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If George Lucas Created Mass Effect 3

BioWare takes the extensive lore of its flagship sci-fi franchise very seriously, expanding its fiction across various games and mediums. However, the recent departure of Mass Effect lead writer Drew Karpyshyn is disconcerting for fans, as is the unrelated controversy surrounding the Mass Effect: Deception novel and its many errors.

While we have no doubt that Mac Walters and BioWare's talented writing staff will continue to do the series justice, we couldn't help but ponder what Mass Effect 3 would look like if the developer decided to shoot the moon and hire George Lucas to finish off the trilogy.

Casting Couch
The first thing George will do is make some pretty drastic cast changes. For example, in the first two games Garrus was always portrayed as a calm-headed and loyal companion, willing to fight for justice regardless of whatever dangers may arise. In Mass Effect 3, Garrus' main attributes will now be a new speech impediment and his penchant for accidentally stepping in piles of poop.

Legion, the geth robot introduced in Mass Effect 2, will now be witty and British, and will always be accompanied by a robot companion (and possible lover – the jury's still out) who beeps and buzzes at all the right comedic moments.

Wrex will still basically be Wrex, but will speak with Yoda's goofy speech syntax.


"Your face I will crush if cross me you do."

Diplomacy In Action
The next thing George will want to change is the story. Forget about Shepard trying to prevent the Reapers from destroying Earth and wiping humanity from the galaxy. Mass Effect 3's new story will focus on the Reapers threatening mankind with a galaxy-wide trade embargo, due to the discriminatory hiring policies Cerberus employs under the leadership of the Illusive Man. It will be Shepard's mission to oversee the ensuing diplomatic talks. If you're lucky, you'll be able avoid the embargo and convince the council to repeal any outstanding intergalactic tariffs and sanctions. Brace yourself for the excitement!

Love Connection
In the first Mass Effect, many players pursued a romantic relationship between Shepard and Liara. In Mass Effect 3, George will reveal that Shepard and Liara are in fact brother and sister – now you know why she gave you the cold shoulder in ME 2.

If you manage to take enough space showers to wash away the guilt and shame (expect a QTE-based puking/sobbing minigame), you'll be free to pursue a new romantic partner. However, any and all love scenes in Mass Effect 3 will be limited to brief shots of closed-mouth kissing, followed by a slow pan to Shepard's window drapes billowing in the breeze. If you're confused as to why there's a breeze in space, you've already put more thought into it than George.

Face/Off
Considering the fact that Mass Effect 3 is the final installment in the trilogy, many gamers are hopeful they will finally get a glimpse of Tali's face. With George overseeing the sequel, Tali's unmasking will reveal that she's the species of alien seen in E.T., a cameo that will be too irresistible for him to pass up. Fans may pick up on the twist earlier in the game, however, based on the fact that Tali will now sport a greatly simplified vocabulary and glowing fingers.


"Well, that's one of my favorite childhood movies ruined forever."

Stay of Execution
One of the more intriguing aspects of Mass Effect is BioWare's willingness to kill off main characters at various points in the story, leaving players with the feeling that no one is ever truly safe. That's a little dark for George, so in Mass Effect 3, players will find out that any of the main characters that died under their watch didn't really die, but will instead return with shiny new robot hands. In the event that some characters absolutely can't be brought back from the dead, their spirits will hang around on the Normandy as glowing blue auras, happily dancing along to whatever music EDI is playing over the ship's PA system.

The Eternal Paragon
Another core aspect of Mass Effect is the ability to make Shepard a good or evil character based on your choices. But how can an evil character save humanity from destruction trade embargos? That's not exactly kid-friendly, so from now on George will insist all Renegade moments be tweaked so Shepard will always be clearly justified before doing something bad. Decide to throw another random alien out of a skyscraper? Don't worry; he was actually a terrorist with a bomb strapped to his back! You saved the day again!


"Don't worry, he totally shot first."

Up Next: More ridiculous changes...

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