The lights are on
BioWare takes the extensive lore of its flagship sci-fi franchise
very seriously, expanding its fiction across various games and mediums.
recent departure of Mass Effect lead writer Drew Karpyshyn is disconcerting
for fans, as is the unrelated controversy surrounding the Mass Effect: Deception novel and its many
While we have no doubt that Mac Walters and BioWare's
talented writing staff will continue to do the series justice, we couldn't help
but ponder what Mass Effect 3 would look like if the developer decided to shoot
the moon and hire George Lucas to finish off the trilogy.
Casting CouchThe first thing George will do is make some pretty drastic
cast changes. For example, in the first two games Garrus was always portrayed
as a calm-headed and loyal companion, willing to fight for justice regardless of
whatever dangers may arise. In Mass Effect 3, Garrus' main attributes will now
be a new speech impediment and his penchant for accidentally stepping in piles
Legion, the geth robot introduced in Mass Effect 2, will now
be witty and British, and will always be accompanied by a robot companion (and
possible lover – the jury's still out) who beeps and buzzes at all the right comedic
Wrex will still basically be Wrex, but will speak with Yoda's
goofy speech syntax.
"Your face I will crush if cross me you do."
Diplomacy In ActionThe next thing George will want to change is the story. Forget
about Shepard trying to prevent the Reapers from destroying Earth and wiping
humanity from the galaxy. Mass Effect 3's new story will focus on the Reapers
threatening mankind with a galaxy-wide trade embargo, due to the discriminatory
hiring policies Cerberus employs under the leadership of the Illusive Man. It
will be Shepard's mission to oversee the ensuing diplomatic talks. If you're
lucky, you'll be able avoid the embargo and convince the council to repeal any
outstanding intergalactic tariffs and sanctions. Brace yourself for the excitement!
Love ConnectionIn the first Mass Effect, many players pursued a romantic
relationship between Shepard and Liara. In Mass Effect 3, George will reveal
that Shepard and Liara are in fact brother and sister – now you know why she
gave you the cold shoulder in ME 2.
If you manage to take enough space showers to wash away the
guilt and shame (expect a QTE-based puking/sobbing minigame), you'll be free to
pursue a new romantic partner. However, any and all love scenes in Mass Effect
3 will be limited to brief shots of closed-mouth kissing, followed by a slow
pan to Shepard's window drapes billowing in the breeze. If you're confused as
to why there's a breeze in space, you've already put more thought into it than
Face/OffConsidering the fact that Mass Effect 3 is the final
installment in the trilogy, many gamers are hopeful they will finally get a
glimpse of Tali's face. With George overseeing the sequel, Tali's unmasking
will reveal that she's the species of alien seen in E.T., a cameo that will be
too irresistible for him to pass up. Fans may pick up on the twist earlier in
the game, however, based on the fact that Tali will now sport a greatly
simplified vocabulary and glowing fingers.
"Well, that's one of my favorite childhood movies ruined forever."
Stay of ExecutionOne of the more intriguing aspects of Mass Effect is
BioWare's willingness to kill off main characters at various points in the
story, leaving players with the feeling that no one is ever truly safe. That's a
little dark for George, so in Mass Effect 3, players will find out that any of
the main characters that died under their watch didn't really die, but will instead
return with shiny new robot hands. In the event that some characters absolutely
can't be brought back from the dead, their spirits will hang around on the
Normandy as glowing blue auras, happily dancing along to whatever music EDI is
playing over the ship's PA system.
The Eternal ParagonAnother core aspect of Mass Effect is the ability to make Shepard
a good or evil character based on your choices. But how can an evil character
save humanity from destruction trade embargos? That's not exactly
kid-friendly, so from now on George will insist all Renegade moments be tweaked
so Shepard will always be clearly justified before doing something bad.
Decide to throw another random alien out of a skyscraper? Don't worry; he was
actually a terrorist with a bomb strapped to his back! You saved the day again!
"Don't worry, he totally shot first."
Up Next: More ridiculous changes...
Email the author Jeff Marchiafava, or follow on Google+, Twitter, and Game Informer.
Man. Some serious passive aggressive GL hating going on here. Actually, it's not really that passive. The question that this little 'what if' begs is, why would people that obsess over one set of sci-fi lore choose to make fun of someone that created another.
Now I want Harrison Ford in ME3 SOOO BAAAAAD!!!
Mass Effect is more The Fifth Element than Star Wars. Ruby Rhod would be a cool squadmate!
You guy's are so coool. Another mean spirited article aimed at miserable jaded gamers. Misery loves company. Q:How do you come up with such brilliant trashy humor? A: Copy it off of other sites. No Lucas...No Mass Effect. It's that simple
haha this is ridiculous (both good and bad)
this is a great idea, crapware and george lucas join together to crap on the mass effect franchise even more
I know this is just a Hangtime sarcastic parody, and I found some of it humorous, but it seems a bit overly harsh. Maybe since I've been listening to idiots complain about the stupidest *** for the past 15 years. Seriously, I haven't heard one big legitimate complaint, ever. Just a lot of hypocritical assholes. You're trying to tell me, that I'm the one who's a 'superfan', because I enjoy the prequel trilogy, when you're the one who is so *** obsessed with the original trilogy, that you're completely blind to the fact it's been 30 *** years, and *** changes? And you want George Lucas to die? Really? Who's being a child here? Sure as hell isn't me. So what if he made some *** changes, it's been a long ass time. Deal with it, and shut the *** up, because no one wants to hear your stupid ass complaints anymore.
This isn't aimed at Marchiafava, just to clarify. I usually enjoy your sarcastic humor, and I'm aware this post wasn't serious.
For the love of god I hope they don't get Lucas in on this, after what he's done to the new Star Wars movies he will destroy Mass Effect!! Dont even joke about that. :(
I think I'm gonna be sick.
This reads almost identical to a GI staff members blog about the mess ups of the Star Wars series *cough*Phil Kollar*cough* lol. It was funny in some parts, not so much in others cause it's some of the same tired humor. Still a good article though Jeff!
LOL this is perfect
adds a retarted companion known as bar bar jinks... says nothing like it has ever been done.
Haha! This is hilarious! I am a huge Starwars fan but I would have to say- The Mass Effect series would suffer tremendously!
Meesa think. Yousea wanna hear about the Enkindlers...okeyday!
hahaha LOVE IT. it was a lot like reading a cracked article. very funny, thanks for the post :)