Bold Plot Predictions For This Fall’s Biggest Games

From Spider-Man to Red Dead to a host of innovative battle royale shooters, this fall is teeming with huge game releases. However, thanks to our collective obsession with spoilerphobia, developers are keeping much of their projects under wraps, leaving story-focused players little to base their purchasing decisions on. At least that would be true if I wasn’t about to use my incredible insight to blow the lid of this fall’s biggest games.

Plot predictions may seem like a sorry substitute for concrete facts, but I’ve honed my analytical chops through years of experience. I’ve uncovered mind-blowing video game conspiracies, investigated the decline of modern box art, and even reviewed a purely hypothetical game. Just a few months ago I offered readers a wealth of in-depth Detroit: Become Human plot predictions, which I’m sure will prove true if any of us ever actually plays the game to find out. In other words, my predictions basically ARE concrete facts, so there’s no need to doubt anything else I say from here on out.

With that out of the way, here are my plot predictions for 2018’s biggest games. Well, the games that are left, anyway – predicting the plots of games that are already out would just be stupid.

No Man’s Sky Next (July 24)

I actually liked No Man’s Sky when it first came out, which – based on the responses I received from readers at the time – makes me a know-nothing sheeple who is lying to himself in order to cover for an evil mastermind scam artist. And here I thought I just enjoyed chilling out and cruising around the galaxy!

Either way, Hello Games never stopped working on No Man’s Sky, and is releasing a major update for it next week to coincide with the Xbox One launch. What could possibly cause a studio to devote years to the continued development of a game that has brought them nothing but endless scorn from the gaming community?

The answer, I predict, is also the new objective of the game: No Man’s Sky Next will task players with collecting resources and upgrading their ship to get as far away from the internet as humanly possible. Basically, it will be like the reverse of the original game – instead of everyone trying to reach the center of the universe, everyone will be working outwards, away from one another. The new multiplayer component will also factor into this quest – any player you come across will endlessly drone “No Man’s Lie” at you until you finally blast off into the cosmos and isolate yourself in a shack on some icy, unnamed moon. I can’t wait!

We Happy Few (August 10)

This indie project from Compulsion Games has been in development for a number of years, evolving from a fairly simplistic survival roguelike into a more story-driven experience. Unlike other games on the list, we actually know a decent bit about that story – it takes place in a dystopian society where a corrupt government controls its overmedicated citizens through lies and authoritarian tactics. Anyone who questions the government’s actions is swarmed by a mob of brainwashed citizens, which are controlled by A.I. bots and designed to squash any sign of criticism and independent thinking. So what’s the twist, you ask? How about that it’s all based on real-life – WAKE UP PEOPLE, CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT OUR GOVERNMENT IS DO--

Marvel’s Spider-Man (September 7)

*Ahem* moving on. In my opinion (which I’ve been told to reiterate is strictly my own and may not necessarily reflect that of Game Informer), Spider-Man is one of the biggest games of this fall. But while our hands-on time has been promising, we still don’t know a lot about Spider-Man’s story. Or do we?

In an interview from April, Insomniac writer Jon Paquette told us the game won’t focus on the web-slinger’s roots. “We all knew that people have seen the origin story before, right?,” Paquette said. “We know what that teenage Peter Parker is about. We didn’t want to tell a story that had already been told.”

Based on that information, there’s only one plausible scenario: Instead of his origin, Insomniac is focusing on the end of Spider-Man’s life. Just think about it – no one has shown what Spider-Man’s life is like as an old man!

I’m guessing – and by “guessing” I mean declaring beyond a shadow of a doubt – we’ll get a few hours of high-flying adventure before the game fast-forwards to Parker in his 80s. At that point, gameplay will switch to a never-ending series of QTEs to make Spider-Man take his pills, go to the bathroom 10 times a night, and yell at neighborhood kids about how he invented both the Spider-Mobile and pizza.

Destiny 2: Forsaken (September 4)

Oh crap, I completely forgot about Destiny 2’s new expansion… though to be fair, I think most people did. Anyhow, I actually have no idea what Forsaken’s story is going to be – I mean, they’re killing off the only memorable character the whole damn series has ever had! Seriously, who are they going to focus on? The creepy Smurf guy? 

My best guess is Bungie is going for some kind of Death of Superman scenario, and he’ll be replaced by 10 more Cayde-6es, leaving fans to guess which is the real one. Hint: It’s whoever is the most annoying.

Shadow Of The Tomb Raider (September 14)

Hoo boy, Shadow Of The Tomb Raider is another tricky one. What can Lara possibly do that she hasn’t already?

That’s what a layman would ask, anyway. However, the all-too-obvious answer is in the title: Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Clearly, Lara will face her greatest foe yet: Shadow Lara, an evil incarnation of herself who goes around killing everyone in her path and robbing…tombs. Actually, that just sounds like normal Lara, doesn’t it?

Hmm…I’m still stumped. Okay, let’s just brute force this one – there’s going to be some old artifact, a lot of family drama no one really cares about, and Lara will barely survive and lose the treasure at the last minute, but realize she grew as a person instead or something. Tell me I’m wrong!

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey (October 5)

Oh, this one’s easy – it’s clearly just 300! I mean look at the screen shot, for crying out loud! Wait, what was the plot to 300 anyway?

Let’s see, you probably play as a Spartan and kick some guy down a well. But then you realize you actually kicked the wrong guy down the well, and you have to get him out. So you kick another person in to help him, and so on until the entire town is in the well. Then you just board it up and go on your merry way.

Oh, and at some point there will be a guy in a toga eating grapes. Mark my words.

Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 (October 12)

Trick question – the game doesn’t have a story! Next!

Okay, okay, I’m guessing Treyarch will still want to come up with some kind of pretense for its battle royale mode, so here goes. Someone – probably that dumb robot Ethan from Infinite Warfare – will create a time-travel device that accidentally sucks up every character from every Call of Duty game ever. Then it spits them all out on Jonathan Irons’ private island (though they’ll probably want to hire a different actor at this point), where they duke it out to see who the best soldiers are. The top 10 advance to the semi-finals, where Captain Price eventually proposes to the overall winner with a rose like on The Bachelor. Man, I kinda want to play that game now…

Battlefield V (October 19)

I know DICE has said Battlefield V is set in World War II, but we can’t possibly be fighting the Nazis again, can we? We’ve done that a million times! That’s why I’m guessing certain EA’s big game reveal was really just a smokescreen to hide the mother of all video game twists: Battlefield V is actually based on V for Vendetta. You know – the dystopian thriller in which a supremacist regime has taken over the government and oppresses its people through a series of lies and authoritarian tactics, and I CAN’T THINK OF A MORE PERFECT TIME FOR A GAME LIKE THAT CONSIDERING WHA--

Red Dead Redemption 2 (October 26)

You’ve probably noticed the Rockstar-sized crater around the end of October and beginning of November, and the absence of other game launches is entirely understandable; Red Dead Redemption 2 is easily the most anticipated title of 2018, and other developers are giving its release a wide berth. If all the excitement leaves you wondering what kind of story Rockstar will weave, I’m pretty sure I’ve narrowed it down to the only possible answer – they’re going to take the term “Spaghetti Western” literally.

Here’s my theory: Not only is Arthur Morgan the enforcer of the Van der Linde gang, he’s also the cook (that shot of him with the ladle pretty much proves it, along with everything else I’m about to assert). While Morgan will still be doing a variety of rootin’, tootin’ cowboy activities during the game, his main questline will revolve around finding a new recipe to impress his boss, Dutch. From there, RDR 2 will break down its missions into three main parts, as Morgan learns the fine art of making pasta, a traditional marinara sauce, and – you guessed it – spicy meatballs! True to previous Rockstar games, players will be able to tackle these branching missions in any order they choose, and each will take dozens of hours complete, as Morgan tracks down the necessary ingredients, chefs to teach him how to cook each component, and replacement chefs for when he gets frustrated and shoots the previous ones.

All of this makes perfect sense – people love crafting in video games, and landing a Teen rating from the ESRB would sell even more copies. All Rockstar would have to do is change the blood in the game to spaghetti sauce – they could even make it a collectible that Morgan has to gather in jars after shootouts to improve his cooking skills. Aaand that’s all I’ve got!

Fallout 76 (I’ll Believe It When I See It November 14)

Ugh, I feel like I peaked early with the spaghetti thing. Anyhow, considering Fallout 76’s name and the fact that it’s a prequel, I feel 100-percent confident that the game is centered entirely on the Third Dalmatian war, which as everyone knows took place in 76 B.C. As everyone also knows, the Third Dalmatian war was waged entirely by dalmatian puppies, and was positively ADORABLE. My current theory (which again is synonymous with “pure fact”) is that players will play as actual dalmatians, and will be able to customize both the shape and placement of their spots in Bethesda’s most in-depth character creator yet. S.P.E.C.I.A.L. perks will include Sad Puppy Eyes, Butt Sniffer, and Yeah He Peed On The Carpet But Wook How Cute He Is!!!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (December 7)

What? You want a story for Smash Bros.? It’s just a bunch of stupid Nintendo characters fighting each other! Okay, FINE.

On completely independent missions on opposite sides of the galaxy, Fox McCloud and Samus both travel into blackholes at the exact same time, triggering a cataclysmic explosion that fuses all of the alternate dimensions Nintendo’s characters reside in into one massive, quantum-entangled omniverse – you can blame it all on string theory if you’d like.

Moments after everyone phases into the same existence, Boswer, Ganon, and Ridley team up in an effort to capitalize on the ensuing chaos and take control of the new world. The good guys team up in a Civil War-type scenario to thwart the villains, but in-fighting quickly unravels their efforts; Peach makes googly eyes at Link, which causes that jealous jerk Mario to fly off the handle and start lobbing fireballs at everybody. Meanwhile, Pikachu and the other Pokémon see the kind of freedom Yoshi and the Kongs are afforded, and revolt against their trainers slavers. Little Mac and the Wii Fit Trainer get into a fight about who has the best exercise regimen, the Ice Climbers and King Dedede clash over whose home world is the coldest, and Wolf and the Duck Hunt Dog just start humping like CRAZY. Kirby, Jigglypuff, and Pac-Man spar over who makes the best sphere, while Sonic and Mr. Game & Watch argue about which of them is the lamest. Then everyone else joins in the fight because they’ve got nothing better to do. Happy?!