Donkey Kong Country Returns

Alternate title that means the same thing: "What Donkey Kong Country Returns Is Like If Your Partner Is Jeff Cork"

Everyone loved playing the original Donkey Kong Country SNES trilogy with a partner, but it never allowed simultaneous play. With the upcoming DKC Returns, two players can play at the same time, operating DK and Diddy Kong independently of each other. This is all well and good if you're playing with someone with adequate gaming skills, but it can be a hindrance if you're playing with someone that sucks (Jeff Cork).

For some reason, Reiner loves saying that I'm terrible at games (even though I handily outperformed him in part 1 of our Super Mario Bros. 3 Super Replay). While I may be his favorite target for the "sucking at games" argument, I saw evidence yesterday that Jeff Cork may in fact be worse.

While we played the new DKC in Nintendo's traveling game trailer, I noticed more and more that I was pulling the weight in this team. You see, it's possible for Diddy Kong to travel piggybacked on DK. With DK's weight, it's impossible for the reverse to happen. Once Jeff realized this, there was no turning back. I cartwheeled through the levels by myself while Jeff hung on for dear life and shot his little peanut gun at nothing in particular.

Note who's doing the work in the above image

In most cases, this sucks. Going up against a horned rhino-like boss, the best way to approach the fight is with a divide and conquer strategy. If you're on one side and Diddy is on the other, at least one of you will have a chance to jump on his exposed rear. With a freeloading piggybacker, however, the boss is going to relentlessly charge you no matter what. As expected, Diddy's little peanut gun is of little to no use in this situation.

Useful until dumb Jeff decides to abandon ship without telling you

There is one advantage to the piggyback situation. When you're separate, only Diddy Kong can jetpack across gaps. However, if you're playing as DK and Diddy is attached, you can utilize the jetpack as well. If you were playing with a child that has trouble with platforming segments, this is a fantastic way to help them reach the other side safely. If you're playing with Jeff Cork, this is more of a curse than a blessing. It's a huge help if Diddy stays on your back on a consistent basis, but Jeff liked to hop off without warning whenever he saw a nearby shiny object. This led to several moments where I'd make a long jump and attempt to activate the jetpack, only to find that Jeff had hopped off and taken his jetpack with him. As you could expect, this led to Donkey Kong falling to his death.

In situations such as that one (where Diddy is alive and DK has perished), DK will float back to action in a balloon as long as you have one. These balloons drift towards the ground rather slowly, so it's important for your partner to be on level ground and not move terribly fast. When you're playing with Jeff Cork, he'll jump right on a speedy minecart after DK dies, meaning your balloon will never catch up. It amounts to a completely wasted life, which will inevitably become two wasted lives once Jeff runs directly into the next enemy or falls into the next hole.

Nintendo is often criticized for the lack of solid online play for the Wii. In this particular case, I argue that it's a good thing. At least no one will get randomly partnered up with Jeff Cork and his dumb beard.