10 Characters We Don't Want To Pinch Us On St. Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which is technically some kind of holiday. If nothing else, it’s a way to work the color green into the color conversation. And what a versatile color it is. You can use it to dye rivers and beer, and also to ward off pinch-hungry friends and co-workers. If you weren’t able to scrounge up green clothing today for whatever reason, you may have unwittingly put yourself at risk. Here are some characters from games that you’ll probably want to avoid today for that reason. 

Chibi-Robo!
Chibi-Robo! is small and helpful. That much, we know. He does a good job of picking up trash and scrubbing floors, even if he does use your toothbrush as a broom, which is technically a gross thing to do. But look at his little hands! Calling them hands is being generous, actually. Perhaps manufacturer Citrusoft decided against fingers as a cost-cutting measure, or maybe it was a purely aesthetic decision. Regardless, his little grippers would leave welts that no amount of buffing or scrubbing would remove. Still, it’s technically better than being crushed between big brother Giga Robo’s mechanical mitts.

Captain John Price
Modern Warfare’s A.I. pal Captain John Price seems like a pretty cool guy. He’s calm under pressure, whether he’s taking fire from terrorists or guiding you through a dramatic escape from a sinking ship. On the negative side – at least for today – he is probably very strong, and his fingers most likely smell like cigars. For those reasons, we are planning on going oscar mike if we hear a British baritone on our six. 

The Colossus of Rhodes
Kratos handily defeated this animated statue in the opening moments of God of War II, which makes it unlikely that it poses a threat. After all, that was a long time ago. Even still, I am keeping my eyes on the horizon for this big weirdo. It’s unlikely that he would go in for a big-ol’ pinch, but you never know. This scenario does admittedly require a lot of setup, including A) someone telling The Colossus of Rhodes about St. Patrick’s Day and its associated traditions and B) it listening and understanding and also really getting into it. I think we’re safe.

Chop Chop Master Onion
Mr. Onion’s gross claws make Captain Price’s fingers smell like perfume. Nope.

McCree
Overwatch’s resident cowboy shares something in common with co-worker Hanzo: a robot hand. He presumably has control over its grip strength, otherwise he would break his six-shooter whenever he did that hammer-fanning thing. So yeah, if he gave it his all he could probably pinch our bicep clean off. We would worry more about Hanzo, but if he saw us today he would more than likely run away while demanding heals.

Master, Crazy Hand
You can probably reason with Master Hand and convince it to leave you alone, but there’s no telling what Crazy Hand might do. We already know that the Smash Bros. bosses can turn into earthshattering fists and functional (!!!) firearms – just imagine their pinching power! And unlike their E10+ incarnations, they would not limit their mischief to comic or their violence to the realm of cartoons when summoned to our world. Of course, now that I think about it, they don’t have eyes to see our lack of green. I think that we’re safe, but I’ll still stay away from the Final Destination part of town today just in case.

Frank Honey
Lego City Undercover’s comic sidekick has the same hand style as someone we’ve already discussed, with a few critical differences. First, at 1.5 inches tall, he’s less than half the size of Chibi-Robo!, and his claws are even smaller (and pinchier!). Last, Frank Honey is a bit of a buffoon, and it wouldn’t surprise us to learn that he routinely uses the restroom and fails to wash his hands. Minifig? More like mini-PIG.  

Voldo
Not to kink-shame, but I’ve just never liked this guy.

A Mudcrab
Crabs are notorious pinch fanatics, as anyone who has ever watched a cartoon can testify. When one of these creepy crustaceans are around, look out! One false move, and you’re likely to find it dangling comically from your rump. Yeouch! A pinch from one of The Elder Scrolls’ mudcrabs is bound to be the same, only with the added indignity of getting mud smeared on your (non-green) clothes. I did beat a crab in a footrace one time though, so it’s certainly possible to get away from one of these suckers before they get within gripping range. 

Anyone from Mass Effect Andromeda
I know it’s probably not contagious, but just in case I don’t want to risk getting any of this on me.

Did I miss any characters that you don’t want to pinch you today because you aren’t wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day? Let me know in the comments because it is critically important!!!