Feature

Top 10 Dorks Of The Generation

by Joe Juba on Dec 26, 2013 at 01:00 PM

At the end of a console generation, it’s fun to look back at the memorable heroes and villains that contributed to years of quality entertainment. On the other hand, it’s also enjoyable to poke fun at the lame, inept, or hopeless chumps that often tagged along for the ride. For the last 10 years, our Top 50 feature has singled out each year’s biggest dorks, and now it’s time to choose the dorkiest of the dorky.

Drawing from our lists that feature characters from the PS3/Xbox 360/Wii era, we’re ranking the losers of the last generation, complete with the text that appeared alongside their original entries in the magazine. Feel free to point and laugh.

10. Samus Aran (Metroid: Other M)

“This is why Metroid games are usually about exploration instead of story. Other M flings this iconic bounty hunter to rock bottom, painting Samus as a petulant brat instead of an awesome warrior. The ham-fisted delivery of her lame backstory doesn’t help matters. Thumbs down!” (Issue 214, 2010)

9. Wheatley (Portal 2)

“Being a dork isn’t always a bad thing. Yes, he bumbles through simple tasks and makes a few bad choices,  but Wheatley’s awkwardness is somehow endearing. Even with the return of GLaDOS, Wheatley is Portal 2’s most memorable (and lovable) character.” (Issue 226, 2011)

8. Alistair (Dragon Age: Origins)

“Also known as ‘new Carth,’ Alistair has two modes of communication: whining and cracking wise. The problem: His jokes aren’t funny, and his whining is only entertaining when he’s being a crybaby about you making fun of him. Sorry, Alistair – have fun sitting with Sten in the party camp, loser.” (Issue 202, 2009)

7. Those Dudes (Army of Two)

“Oh, you don’t remember their names, either. The only thing that stands out about these muscleheads is their terrible banter, which is about 90 percent f-bombs and 10 percent confusing idioms. What exactly is ‘don’t piss on my cupcakes’ supposed to mean? Is it a euphemism? ” (Issue 190, 2008)

6. Mog (Final Fantasy XIII-2)

“Any goodwill moogles might have had from Final Fantasy games is torpedoed as soon as Mog’s stupid mouth opens. Saying ‘kupo’ at the end of every sentence is a one-way ticket to Dorktown, especially when everything you’re saying is either obvious or annoying.” (Issue 237, 2012)

On the next page: It might not seem possible, but there are even bigger dorks coming up.

5. Rebecca (Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood)

“Yeah, we get it. Rebecca’s totally L337 because she’s a hacker or something. If only she’d keep her mind on her work instead of aggravating everyone with her insipid emails, mindless prattle, and phony personality. If joining the Templar order means no more Rebecca, then sign us up.” (Issue 214, 2010)

4. The MC (Fuzion Frenzy 2)

“Hosting game shows isn’t the most prestigious of showbiz positions, but the MC of Fuzion Frenzy 2 is a true pioneer in the field of shame. His wardrobe is courtesy of stumbling through a clown college, and he desperately tries to convince you that you’re having fun. Unfortunately, repeatedly shouting ‘Was that a lot of damage, player two?’ isn’t very persuasive.” (Issue 177, 2007)

3. Jet Brody (Fracture)

“If there were a computer that generated generic action heroes, Jet Brody would have emerged from its cold, mechanical womb with no fanfare or circumstance. Even having the worst name in gaming history can’t save this buffoon from obscurity. Jet Brody? Is that some kind of surfing airplane?”(Issue 190, 2008)

2. The Alliance (World of Warcraft)

“Comprised of 90 percent hunters and 100 percent pansies, the Alliance it ‘teh weaksauce.’ Did you blockheads know that it isn’t mandatory to have a naked Night Elf dancing on every mailbox? It’s true…but you’d know that if you weren’t playing on Easy Mode. /moo.” (Issue 153, 2005)

1. Nathan “Rad” Spencer (Bionic Commando)

“We could talk about all the ways in which Spencer totally sucks, but we don’t have that much space. Instead, we’ll talk about the ways he doesn’t suck. For instance, his dreads are…wait, that’s no good. But his swimming skills can…nevermind. At least his arm isn’t possessed by…oh. Well, we tried.”(Issue 202, 2009)

Did we omit any of your favorites? Share your personal contenders in the comments below!