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BioShock Infinite Enemy Report

by Jeff Marchiafava on Mar 22, 2013 at 01:23 PM

I'm an established pro at analyzing deadly video game characters, from the ferocious beasts of Monster Hunter to the slightly less ferocious beasts of Pokémon to the lethal fashion sensibilities of Devil May Cry's cast (that last one is a bit of a stretch, I admit). I didn't expect BioShock Infinite's foes to put up much of a fight, but my initial research revealed some shockingly dangerous enemies. Here's my rank of the deadliest enemies in BioShock Infinite, from wimpiest to most dangerous.

Enemy #9: Songbird
Analysis: Much ado has been made about Songbird, the giant flying monster that's constantly chasing you through Columbia. Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is; he's just a big robotic bird. You know who else was a robotic bird? Bubo, the mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans – and he was hilarious!

If Songbird was actually terrifying, he wouldn't be named Songbird. I bet there's some kind of twist where the winged creature turns out to be a misunderstood sweetheart.
Threat Level: It's a bird.

Enemy #8: Horn Guy
Analysis: I'll admit this guy looks a little creepy in an Alice In Wonderland sort of way, but think about it: It's just a dude with horns on his head. What's he going to do, give you a headache? I guess if he blows loud enough he could injure your ear drums, but it seems like his main form of attack can be nullified by a 99¢ pair of earplugs.
Threat Level: More annoying than deadly

Enemy #7: Flying Squirrel Dude
Analysis: Holy crap, these guys can fly? I don't know what the backstory for these human-looking enemies are, but based on their behavior I'd say their DNA has been crossed with a flying squirrel somehow. I'm not going to speculate as to how they may have been exposed to squirrel DNA, but I'm sure the explanation only makes them even more terrifying.
Threat Level: High (especially if you're a squirrel)

Enemy #6: Oven Face
Analysis: This enemy appears to have an oven for a face. He's also covered in glowing pipes and has fire shooting out his head. Also, he may be farting an explosion. So either he's got all that fire under control and is extremely dangerous, or he's ready to burst into flames at any moment. Either way, I'd steer clear of him.
Threat Level: Flames are never a good sign

Coming Up Next: Even more dangerous enemies in BioShock Infinite...

Enemy #5: Paper Man
Analysis: Sure, the old man selling newspapers looks harmless. Don't forget, though, that Columbia is packed with all kinds of deranged monstrosities and killers. And yet paper guy is just shambling along selling his wares and minding his own business. Not only is he completely unfazed by Columbia's insanity, but no one else is messing with him. Imagine the powers he must possess to keep Columbia's villains at bay.
Threat Level: You'd better buy a freaking paper if he offers you one

Enemy #4: Big Hands
Analysis: Look at how big this jokester's hands are! His knees too – it's no wonder his clothes are ripped to shreds. I'm not sure who transformed him into a robotic muppet, but he seems pretty pissed about it. He'll probably take his anger out on anyone who can't sew him a new pair of pants. Based on his getup on the front of the box, Booker might be a pretty good seamster, but if not, try shooting this guy in his dumb glass heart.
Threat Level: Big

Enemy #3: Ice Cream Boy Gang
Analysis: Similar to the old paper man, these ice cream boys don't have a care in the world despite the dangers Columbia poses – they're just palling around in their cute little outfits, chowing down on cones. Not only that, look at those prices. Three scoops for five cents? Clearly the ice cream boy gang is making its money in some other way, which must also be gruesome enough to scare off Columbia's predators. They probably rob and murder their customers and then grind their bones into waffle cones – the evidence is all right there in the picture.
Threat Level: You'll scream for death cream...or something

Enemy #2: George Washington?!
Analysis: You know you're in trouble when our founding father opens fire on you with a minigun. Looks like Washington's famous quote about war being the plague of mankind was a bit of an overstatement; he clearly loves it. Maybe it's just because the weapons weren't as cool back in the 18th century. Either way, Washington is incredibly dangerous, and the worst part is you can't even fight back – he's a national treasure!
Threat Level: Presidential

Coming Up Next: The most dangerous enemy in BioShock Infinite...

Enemy #1: Elizabeth
Analysis: Sure, Elizabeth appears to be the caring young woman you're trying to rescue from Columbia, but my expert analysis exposes her as the most vicious predator in BioShock Infinite. Don't believe me? Besides her penchant for bludgeoning people to death with giant books, Elizabeth's violent behavior has been hinted at in a variety of other pictures...  

Exhibit B: Elizabeth wearing a giant ring to permanently scar the people she beats. Just look at the way she caresses it while looking at you with that dead stare. Not to mention the barrels of explosives she's stockpiling. What a psychopath.

Exhibit C: Elizabeth placing a bouquet of blue flowers on the corpse of her slain victim, a calling card she uses to taunt Columbia's authorities.

Exhibit D: Elizabeth sneaking up on a man wearing an old-timey sunbathing outfit. I haven't quite figured out what she's planning in this one, but I'm sure it's something sinister.

Exhibit E: Elizabeth caught feasting on her latest prey, a dead horse. What kind of sicko kills a horse?!

Yep, Elizabeth is one stone-cold freak. If you see her in the game, my recommendation is to run the other way.
Threat Level: Extreme

Come back on Monday for Joe Juba's review of BioShock Infinite, which may or may not provide a more intelligent analysis of the game.