We Hardly Knew You

Over the years video game characters have quickly come and gone without warning. Like a one night stand, you enjoy the short time spent with these individuals and really want to do it again sometime, but probably won’t. Ever. They won’t return your phone calls and probably won’t be showing up at your doorstep for another go anytime soon. Here are a few characters who we had some good times with and would like to see more of, even though they're not coming back.

Nero (Devil May Cry 4)
A demon slayer with a “smokin’ slick style” very few possess (the only other being Dante, of course). He was last seen wielding a Red Queen Sword, Blue Rose revolver, and Devil Bringer a.k.a. his wicked right arm, all of which was complemented by a mean two-legged kick. Nero spent a good chunk of DMC 4 committing acts of bada**ery and wasn’t too much of a man to shed the occasional tear. We hardly knew you, Nero, all because Dante came along and bumped you from the spotlight for about seven missions. Typical Dante.

Auron (Final Fantasy X)
Hands down Auron was the most BAMF of the entire FFX crew. He’s a legend among the people of Spira for helping defeat its biggest threat and carries on to protect a young girl on a pilgrimage. Legend has it that during an epic battle, Auron suffered from a fatal wound and crawled all the way down Mt. Gagazet before finally losing strength and dying. The salt-and-pepper haired, sunglasses at night wearing, mystery man draped in a cloak is a ghost. A zombie. An apparition. Someone we wanted to see more of, and no, the Kingdom Hearts cameo wasn’t enough. We hardly knew you, Auron. Instead of focusing on Tidus the crybaby, FFX should’ve given Auron more face time.

Lt. Simon “Ghost” Riley (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2)
Ghost’s nickname was a clear giveaway of what would be his unfortunate fate in the single-player campaign of CoD: MW2. He was second in command of Task Force 141 and easily recognized for the iconic dark sunglasses and skull-patterned mask. The lieutenant was last seen leading a strike team in search of a Vladmir Makarov at a safehouse loaded with intel. After an intense run for your life bonding moment with this character, your boy is shot to death and tossed in a ditch. We hardly knew you, Ghost (however, if you are interested in learning more about his exploits prior to his untimely demise, you can check out the comic miniseries, Modern Warfare 2: Ghost).

Kane & Lynch (Kane & Lynch series)
Take a corrupt merc and a schizophrenic psychopath and you have the makings of what could be an amazing, narrative-driven series of third-person action titles. Instead they somehow got themselves mixed into a mediocre debut and an even worse sequel. This pairing has undeniable potential that will hopefully get the justice they deserve on the big screen, though we’ve all seen how poorly movie adaptations of games perform at the box office. We hardly knew you, Kane and Lynch. Maybe it’s time to leave the life of crime behind and get a clean start. Or not. Don’t shoot.

Maximo (Maximo: Ghosts to Glory)
The heavily armored warrior, Maximo, discovers his kingdom has been taken over by some dude named Achille, not to mention his beloved Sophia is captured. Achille then kills Maximo, but with some help Maximo returns to the mortal world to reclaim what’s rightfully his. His adventure spun off into a sequel and almost went on for a third installment that sadly got canceled. We hardly knew you, Maximo. Your boxer shorts will be missed.

Faith Connors (Mirror’s Edge)
There is nothing cooler than a woman who can free run across rooftops at high speeds. With her pristine athleticism the street savvy bada** earned her living as a “runner,” which in urban circles means an entirely different thing, but I digress. Mirror’s Edge only lasted a few hours, so while we hardly knew you, Faith, we’d love for you to come back for a sequel. Please?

Soda-Drinking Monkey (Metal Gear Solid 4)
We hardly knew you, soda-drinking monkey, but if we can have a say in this, things are going to turn around for you, buddy. Konami, if you’re reading this, we demand that the soda-drinking monkey appear in all Metal Gear games going forward. In fact, we ask that soda-drinking monkey make cameos in all of your franchises. We’re thinking Castelvania, Dance Dance, the whole nine.

Kai (Heavenly Sword)
Heavenly Sword follows the story of the powerful, red-haired Nariko, who is followed by an unusual gal named Kai. Gaming forums suggest the mysterious girl covered in face paint who admits to eating cockroaches has a screw loose. Where would they get such an idea? And so what if she is a little crazy? She’s had a rough past! Give her a break, man! We hardly knew you, Kai. Gotta show some love for the crazy (and crazy powerful) chicks.

Detective Isaac Washington (House of the Dead: Overkill)
Well, f***. We make way too many f***ing references to Overkill, but for good reason. It’s a great f***ing game that no one f***ing played, which is why we’ll never see Detective Isaac Washington ever again. The ladies man with a love of alcohol has a dirty f***ing mouth who can’t finish a f***ing sentence without some sort of f***ing expletive. We hardly f***ing knew you, Washington. We also don’t expect a f***ing sequel to one of the most profane games in video game history. The ESRB must be thrilled. F*** that.

Ristar (Ristar)
Ristar is a shooting star that fizzled out too quickly. The idea for the character spawned from a concept that eventually became Sonic the Hedgehog (guess who at GI suggested this one) that somehow evolved from a rabbit into a star. Though his self-titled platforming debut was a critical success, the Sega star was quickly overshadowed by a certain speedy blue rodent. We hardly knew you, Ristar, and it’s all Sonic’s fault.

The Nameless One (Planetscape: Torment)
Not so nameless, as The Nameless One has been named one of the greatest video game characters of all time on several occasions. Nameless wakes up in a mortuary to only discover he cannot die, nor can he remember his past with the only clues being strange tattoos across his body. A tormented soul, who is killed, but continues living as a randomly chosen soul in his world has to die to power his resurrection. Sounds pretty bada** if you ask me. We hardly knew you, Nameless, but you hardly knew yourself so whatever.

Manny Calavera (Grim Fandango)
Calavera is a travel agent at the Department of Death forced to work off a debt “to the powers that be.” Something we can all relate to. The quick-talking salesman means business and will do whatever it takes to get out of debt, even making himself a bit taller with a pair of stilts tucked under his grim reaper getup. Still, we hardly knew you, Calavera. Hopefully Tim Schafer will hear our plea and resurrect Grim Fandango!

Any game characters you wish you could have another adventure with?