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So, me and Xl9 decided to do something stupid. You can check out his review of the fanfiction here. Now, the fanfiction in question is called Zero Escape: Friendship is Betrayal, and is a crossover between the Zero Escape universe and the My Little Pony universe, and it creates something that is bad on all fronts, though, we're just looking at how this fanfic destroys both universes, not the bad grammar it has. I'll of course be analyzing how awful it is from a Zero Escape perspective-I won't pretend to understand any of the My Little Pony stuff, and I'll try to hide my utter disgust dislike of the fandom.
Disclaimer: I don't like MLP, but the mocking of it I do is meant to be funny.
The fanfiction only has two chapters (thankfully), and like xl9, I'll be going through each paragraph and critiquing it. It may be a very long blog, but it'll be a good review, and a good way to finish off this 31/31. So, let's get to it. My comments will be those in italics.
Chapter 1: Rude Awakening
*WACK* “OOOOWWWW” I screamed as I woke up (Okay, what? That "wack" implies the dumb pony was hit and knocked out, but in the Zero Escape universe, people are knocked out with white gas. Already getting it wrong). With my head throbbing I looked around the room. “Wh-Where am I?” It looked as if I was in some kind of cabin (Okay, so it's like 999-everyone was in a cabin at the beginning). I was sitting on the bottom bunk in a bunk bed. In the room there were some boxes and barrels. There was a clock that looked to only have a minute hand, a desk with a piece of paper on it, a mirror, and a door with a big number 3 on it (This pony must have the number three bracelet for the Nonary Game). I sat up and walked over to the desk. I picked up the paper and started reading it (How do ponies do this? Whatever, stupid pony logic).
“Hello there! And welcome to my kingdom! (HOLD IT-THAT'S A ZERO THE THIRD QUOTE, IMPLYING THIS IS VIRTUE'S LAST REWARD. NO, YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE DIFFERENT FORMULAS) Now I bet you’re wondering why you are here? Well I’ll get to that a little later. Right now I have a game for you to play! All you have to do is find a way out of this room! Easy right! Well just to make it a little harder for you. You will have 30 minutes from the time you stepped down from the bed to escape (uh, what? What about the water in Junpei's room, or the elevator falling in VLR? There's no sense of urgency). So I’d better get moving! Because if you don’t get out in time… well it’s not going to be good.” (This sounds like Zero the Third dialogue, but one, it's in a note, which makes no sense, because he's an AI, not someone who can write notes, and also, it's about a 999 scenario-Zero the Third wasn't around then-this is wrong on so many levels so far)
I looked up at the clock with the minute hand. It looked as if the hand was in-between the 6 and the 5. “28 minutes” I said to myself (There was no timer readily present in either game-uh, this is wrong. Again, no urgency). I quickly looked at the door with the 3 on it. I saw that there were 3 rectangle card readers next to it. Was this the key to opening the door? If so then where are the cards? I looked around the room for a good 10 minutes before I finally found some cards in a box near the far corner of the room (What? Are you kidding me? It took you 10 minutes to find them in a stupid box? Also, there was no puzzle to this? Junpei had to solve a puzzle to find his cards, so why didn't you, you pony? Well, I guess the puzzle was actually finding them, considering how dumb you are). I spread the cards out on the floor. All the cards were numbered 1-9 but the number 3 card was missing. I looked over at the door and back to the cards. “How am I supposed to know what cards to use?” I asked myself. I looked around the room and found some writing on the wall. “1+6+9=7” I had no idea what this meant. I know that 1+6+9=16 not 7. I pondered over the problem over and over in my head. “How could 1+6+9=7? 1+6+9=16… 1+6=7 but not 1+6+9. … wait a minute. 1+6+9=16…. 1+6=7. 1+6=7!” I finally figured it out (Haha, didn't even call it by the proper term). I looked up at the clock. The hand was on the 2. “10 minutes left.” I ran over to the door with the cards in hoof (Now how in the world does that work? Stupid pony logic again). “Now let’s see. 2+4+6=12 1+2=3!” I grabbed the 2, 4, and 6 cards and placed them on the card readers. I green light turned on. “Yes!” I yelled (GOOD JOB, you did simple addition and digital roots. *claps*). Another box that was next to the door opened. It had a number 3 inside a heart (This sounds stupid already-a heart shaped bracelet?). My heart dropped. “There was no number 3 card anywhere. I looked around the whole room and only found those cards.” I wanted to cry. I went over to the mirror on the wall. I looked at myself. “What do I do now?” (Junpei looked at himself before finding his cards. Wrong) I looked at the clock. “6 minutes.” I sighed and looked back at the mirror. My eyes were turning red, my mane was getting messed up. “Wh-what the hell?” I looked closer at the mirror. There was a necklace around my neck (NOT A BRACELET?! NO, THAT SCREWS THE ENTIRE THING UP-FIRST, HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE IT BEFORE? You must be a stupid pony. Second, if it's around your neck, and you're a pony, how do you check it during the game? That's stupid). It was very tight around my neck (Then how did it take so long to notice?). There was no way to pull it off, and no clamp either. There was something hanging from the necklace too. It looked like a heart. The heart had a 3 on it. It was red and said “solo” under the 3 (So this is the Nonary Game: Ambidex Edition...but...it's following a 999 intro...*facepalm* NO.). “How did I not see this before?!” I ran over to the box. “How do I take this thing off?” I pulled on the heart and pulled out with a string attached to it. I placed the heart on the box and a second green light came on and the door opened. “OH THAK YOU!” I yelled (Thak? Must be a stupid pony thing). The heart zipped strait back to the center of my necklace. I immediately ran out the door.
I found myself in some kind of hallway. A very long hallway with lots of doors (Seems to be like 999....not VLR...so, uh, WHICH GAME IS THIS BASED OFF OF?!). I ran down the hallway checking every door along the way, but none of them would open. As I was trying all of the doors I tried to remember how I got here, who could have taken my, and why they would want to take me. Then I realized something. “I… I don’t remember anything. How I got here, who brought me here, not even where I live or what my name is!” (You must be an idiot for not realizing this beforehand. Also, if you don't remember anything, you must be taking the place of Seven or K, so you better have some secret background that's important to the plotline) I tried to go through my head to remember anything about my past life, but I could only find one thing. Only one memory of my past life.
I was in some kind of library (You're not either of them. WRONG). I was sorting out the books and putting them back on the shelves. Maybe I was some kind of librarian. There was somepony else with me too (Somepony? Are you kidding me?). I couldn’t really make out what they looked like, but I knew they were there. “Oh crap I totally forgot!” The pony screamed. “I got to go!” “What did you forget?” I asked the pony. “Oh it’s this really really REALLY big thing. I’ll tell you about it later I gotta run. Later!” And with that she ran out the door. I continued placing the book on the shelves when suddenly I hear a window crash. I turned around to see a can lying on the floor. I walk up to it and it starts spraying some kind of gas in my face (Oh, so there WAS gas-then what was with the "*wack*"? Fail logic). I fall to the ground and start feeling really dizzy. All I see is what looks like a pony with a gasmask on staring at me (No, that pony should be draped in a robe, and not look like a pony, if you can only see the gas mask. Either it's only wearing a gas mask, which is wrong, or the pony knows that Zero is a pony, obviously meaning that the pony DOESN'T HAVE AMNESIA, and is hiding this from the reader, so fail logic again. Whatever, I don't know). Or just, well, Before I could say anything I pass out.
Was that the day I was kidnapped? Why was I kidnapped? Who was that other pony with me? So many questions went through my head. I was interrupted by somepony yelling from the other end of the hallway (If this is a long hallway like 999's, how can you hear them? Fail logic). “Hey! You there!” I turned around to see a white unicorn staring at me. She had a purple curly mane. She had a necklace too, but hers had a blue 3 on it and said “solo” (So, this seems right, it's blue, and indicates that this game is played with the AB game, but why the ship? Why is this like 999? Guh, any Zero Escape fan would be hating this travesty) “Do you have any idea what’s going on?” “I’m not sure.” I replied to the other pony. I told the unicorn about how I escaped from my room. “Well that about the same thing that I went through.” She looked around the hall. “Do you think that anypony else is here?” And as if on cue we heard a high pitched from down the hall. “Well I guess that answers your question.” The screaming got louder and louder. All we could see was a big yellow and pink blob fly past us. (This is really stupid-they all meet each other at the stairs, not at the hallway.) We looked at each other in confusion. Following that was the sound of rushing water. We looked down the hall to see a huge wave coming toward us (What? No explanation at all for this. It should've been from the main character's room, not some random pony's room. Fail). We both screamed and ran down the hall. At the end of the hall we saw a big double door. We struggled to open it but just managed to get it open and close it before the water reached us. Unbelievably the door held the water in the long hallway. We were both gasping for air. “I… can believe… we… made it.” I said trying to catch my breath. “Well… I guess that makes 9 then.” We both looked up to see 7 other ponies looking at us. So many questions ran through my mind. But one stood out the most. “What the hell is going on here!?” (I know! Messing up the entire Nonary Game)
Chapter 2: So It Begins
The nine of use stood in what looked to be a ball room of some kind (Well, what about the grand stairs? No one came down them-this is flawed). "Okay let me get this straight. We have all been kidnapped by some crazy psychopathy and he is forcing use to play some kind of game." The other eight nodded their heads. "And we have all lost our memories."(HOLD IT-EXCUSE ME? WHAT? THAT'S AN AWFUL CHOICE TO MAKE, AND DOESN'T GO WITH ZERO ESCAPE AT ALL. Whenever the Nonary Game is played, there's someone who hides secrets from the others. If they've all lost their memories, than the entire game is going to be different, in a bad way. Not all of them can be lying) "Look we've already gone over this!" An orange earth pony stated. (Orange earth? What does that even mean?) "We need to stop sitting around and try to get out of here." "But we've already tried to find a way out!" Replied a yellow pegasus. "All of the doors are locked! The only doors that could possibly be opened are those weird colored doors and their locked too!" I looked over at the colored doors. There were three of them right next to each other. One was magenta, one was cyan, and one was yellow (So, they ARE Chromatic Doors from VLR. HOWEVER-why was everyone locked in a room like 999, with a number on their door? Why in the world would the Nonary game be a mix of their different mechanics? Answer: It wouldn't). They all have these small boxes next to them that said "LOCKED" in big red letters. "Unless we can find a way to brake down one of those doors we're going nowhere." Before she was even done speaking the orange pony was at the yellow door trying to bust it down. "It's a metal door! There is no way you're going to brake it down!" "Well I could at least try! We got nothing better to do." (I'm bashing my head against the keyboard right now at this writing-doesn't live up to 999/VLR at all).
I was about to say something but I could see out of the corner of my eye that a TV had turned on. (There's only a projector in VLR-what the heck is with this TV?!) "How long has that been on?" The others looked at the TV. There was nothing but static on the TV. I walked closer to it and I could hear what sounded like somepony laughing. I stopped walking but the laughing kept getting louder and louder. The static faded to show a young mare, no older then 16, sitting in a pure white with her back to us laughing (How do you know a pony is 16? And sitting in a pure white what? -.-). After a few seconds she stopped. She stood up and turned around. She was a grey pegasus with a dark blue mane and red eyes, around her eyes were these black circles (That is NOTHING like what Zero the Third looks like at all, so this stupid pony can't be Zero the Third, but that's the only thing that makes sense, because Zero doesn't reveal himself before the participants of the game).
"Welcome!" she said. "It looks like everypony is finally here!" she giggled. "Now that everypony is here we can finally start the game!" she started to jump up and down in excitement (Definitely a Zero the Third excitement going on, but no cynicism like him. Guh, so, an unlikable antagonist. So unlike VLR). A cyan pegasus stepped in front of the TV. "Okay! What the hell is going on here? I want answers. Now!" "Well no need to be rude." "Oh. I'M being rude! You're the one who kidnapped us and are forcing us to play in this dumb game! What is this game anyway?!" The mare on the TV just rolled her eyes. "Look I'm getting to that okay. So why don't you sit your pretty butt down why I explain okay!" (Zero the Third says that they're playing the Nonary Game while they're IN THE ELEVATOR-aka, the opening room. This is so wrong-they should know the name of the game before this). The cyan pony just grumbled and the gray pony continued. "Well okay my name is Zip. And I am the Game Master of this game." (ZIP? THAT IS NOT ZERO. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? That is an awful substitute. Also, Game Master? THIS ISN'T THE REAPERS' GAME, IT'S THE NONARY GAME). A blue unicorn spoke up. "Um... what do you mean by 'Game Master'?" "Well. I'm the one who will be watching over all of you to make sure everything goes as planed and no pony tries to brake the rules." We all just looked at each other. "Okay. I think it would be easier for all of us if I start from the beginning. Well all of you are here to take part in a game called The Nonary Game!" little fireworks went off in the background when she said 'The Nonary Game'. "The Nonary Game?" a dark blue alicorn said. "Yes The Nonary Game. The goal of The Nonary Game is to open the number nine door and escape."(Thank GOD that's right) "Number nine door?" I asked. "Where is that?" "It's right behind you." We all turned around to see a giant door with a number nine on it. "Oh... yea... that number nine door." "Well how do we open it?" the white unicorn from earlier said. "Well to open it you need to have your HP reach nine or higher." "HP? What the hell is HP?" (YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS HP? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BP, AKA BRACELET POINTS. They're wearing necklaces, so in this case, it should be NP anyway, but it should've been BP in the first place) "Okay look you all need to stop asking questions like now! I promise I'll explain everything just stop asking questions."
"Okay! Now, HP also know as Heart Points is indicated by the number on your necklace. Also the necklaces indicate what color you are and if you are a pair or solo. I'll get to those things later for now I would like everypony to look on the back of their necklaces for your name assignments." (Name assignments? What's with everyone having amnesia? Why can't they have their memories? What is with Heart Points? They're wearing NECKLACES, it should be NP if we go by VLR logic. So. Dumb.) We all looked at each other. "Name assignments?" We all asked. "... YES! You r name assignments! I think it would be hard for all of you to try and talk to each other without knowing each other's names since you all lost your memories. So I thought I would help you by making some names up myself. Now don't worry their not stupid or anything." We all looked down at our necklaces. (How do you see that? You're stupid ponies, with long necks! Guh, such fail logic-it should be on their legs, so it could be considered a bracelet, and there would be no problem).
It was true that on the back of each of the necklaces were names for each of us (That was not in VLR or 999-in 999, they made up names for themselves, they weren't given by Zero. Fail again). My name was Shimmer. The white unicorn I saw earlier was named Gem. The orange earth pony was named Peach. The white alicorn was named Blaze. The blue alicorn was named Crescent. The cyan pegasus was named Rush. The blue unicorn was named Mirage. The yellow pegasus was named Coy. And the pink earth pony was named Coral (Guh, all these names are stupid). Zip smiled. "Great now that we got that out of the way we can continue.
"Now how do you get more HP? By playing in the ambidex game. But you can call it the AB game. Well... we'll get to that when it's time to play the AB game. Now I bet you're wondering where do you go from here? Well you see those colored doors over there?" We all looked over at the three colored doors. "Those are called chromatic doors or CDs (They are referred to as CDs ONLY on the roadmap. Everyone calls them Chromatic Doors during the game. -.-). You must enter one and beat the puzzle inside to move to the AB game. (Zero never says anything about puzzles...) How do you know who goes into what door? Well that's where the colors on your necklaces come in. Only certain colors can go into certain doors. Here's how the doors work." A graph showed up on the TV (In VLR, Phi is the one who explains the options, not Zero the Third, not completely at least. And, this Nonary game doesn't have a Phi of it's own also. FAIL).
Blue + Red = Magenta Door
Green + Blue = Cyan Door
Red + Green = Yellow Door
Blue + Blue = Yellow Door(WRONG)
Red + Red = Cyan Door(DOUBLE WRONG)
Green + Green = Magenta Door(MAJORLY WRONG)
That's the ACTUAL thing. Red + Red does not make Cyan. -.-
Zip appeared next to the graph (IT SHOULDN'T BE ZIP). "Okay! So the words on the left here are the different colored necklace pairs there are. And the words on the right are what door each pair can go into. So does everypony get this? Good! Let's more on." The graph disappeared leaving only Zip on the TV. "Now only three ponies can enter a CD at a time. That is where the pair and solos come in. Pairs must go into a CD with a solo and solos must go with a pair (At least that's right). If you are a pair you must enter the same CD as your other pair. Solos can enter any door they want as long as it is with the corresponding pair. So for example let's say that a red solo wants to go into the yellow door. Well they they have to pair up with the two ponies that are the green pair to enter that door. See how simple this is!" We all looked at each other. "Ummm..." Coy said. "This isn't simple at all." (You obviously are dumb-this is completely simple) "Well don't look at me I didn't make the rules to this." "Wait!" Rush screamed. "I thought you were 'Game Master' or something like that!" "Well yea I am but like I said I'm only here to make sure everything goes as planed. That does mean I made this whole thing! Trust me do you know how hard it is to memorize all of these rules! I was studying them for weeks!" (PROVES THIS "ZIP" ISN'T AN AI-WHAT IN THE WORLD. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING...IT'S TOTALLY WRONG) "Wait! So then who made this up?" "Oh! That's Zero!" (OH, SO HE DOES EXIST-SO WHY AREN'T YOU ZERO JR., or ZERO THE THIRD!?) "Well then who's Zero?" She just smiled and turned around. "Oh I'm sure you've met them already today." Rush backed up from the TV. "But we haven't seen anypony else but you today." Zip turned back around. "... Are you sure about that?" (That insinuates that they saw another pony...-.-) I looked around at everypony. I wasn't sure what she meant by that. But then it hit me. "You don't mean that... one of us..." "DING DING DING! We have a winner!" My stomach dropped. "So one of us is the pony that brought us here. The one who made this whole game." "That's right! But don't worry. I wont spoil who it is or anything!" (WELL, that fits in with VLR logic, but why in the world do all of them have missing memories? That still doesn't fit in! I just can't understand why!)
An alarm sounded BEEP BEEP BEEP "Chromatic Doors are opening." There was the sound of moving mettle and just like it said all three Chromatic Doors were opened. "Chromatic Doors are open. Five minutes Until Chromatic Doors close."(No, it's "Chromatic Doors have opened. They will remain open for 5 minutes) Zip put one of her hooves on her face. (That shouldn't be able to happen. -.-) "Oh my! We have seemed to have run out of time! Well before I go I'll leave you with one final warning: Don't get left outside of the CDs when they close. OKAY! Good luck everypony! Have a nice trap! HAHAHAHA!" The TV turned off. All of us just stood there, silent, staring at the TV for what seemed like hours. (These ponies are idiots-the VLR cast quickly organized themselves) The silent was broken by the alarm sounding again. BEEP BEEP BEEP "One minute until Chromatic Doors close." We all looked around. "What do we do!" Mirage yelled. "Well I guess we pick to go into one of the doors." Crescent said. "But which one should each of us go into?" Peach asked. "It doesn't really matter just pick one!" Blaze screamed (You could have thought it out according to the colors on your dumb heart necklaces).
I tried to block out all of the yelling and tried to think. So there are three different colored doors that we can go through. A Magenta one, a Cyan one, and a Yellow one. For me to going into the Magenta door I would need to go with the Blue Pair who were Mirage and Rush. If I wanted to go into the Cyan door I would need to go with the Red Pair who were Blaze and Peach. And if I wanted to go into the Yellow door I would need to go with the Green Pair who were Crescent and Coral. I could not go with Coy or Gem since they were the Green and Blue Solos. I took a deep breath (at least that was explained right...but those names...those NAMES...agh) BEEP BEEP BEEP "Thirty second until Chromatic doors close." Everypony was still trying to find out what to do. I knew that if it kept going like this we would never get in one of those doors. I knew I had to be the one to pick. "Okay I'll pick who will go in what door okay!" Everypony stopped talking and looked at me. Well this was it. I looked around and everypony and made my choice. "Ok I'll go into the door with..." (It's not supposed to be that they don't know what to do, but that the person deicing is a tie breaker because people have preferences. But nope, this happened. This awful, awful choice for them to not have memories).
Well, that's where the fanfic ends, thankfully. What a load of awfulness. Just, everywhere. If we were actually giving it a score, I'd say .25/10, because giving it a zero would be comparing it to the character Zero, which this 999/VLR fanfic doesn't deserve at all. It completely mixes up the two games, and also does not get simple mechanics about the Nonary Game right. I cannot overstate how wretched this is. I already know how xl9 has ranted about how bad the story is from a MLP perspective, so we know this story doesn't succeed on any fronts. Please, do read better crossovers.
And well, that's it, the end of my second 31/31...yay, I'm one of two do so now...me, and xl9...great. I hope you all have enjoyed this series of blogs, and this last day. It's been great to have the support from you guys, as well as xl9, Saturday Morning Replay, and Tim Gruver. Each of them had great 31/31's as well, and I hope the three of you had just as much fun as I did. I'm looking forward to posting more blogs and pursuing new projects in the future. I'll close off with this: happy blogging everyone!
Yay! We're immortalized!