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I've talked about my love for the concept of Metal Gear Solid numerous times over the past few months. By "concept" I mean that the Metal Gear universe is something of a childhood dream for me. There are old dudes that have mullets, and comb-style mustaches. There are wicked sweet, but terribly stupid one-liners. Also, there are things like mechs and espionage waiting at every corner, just waiting to destroy or confuse you, respectively. I've also spoken of how hard it is for me to play the games. I'm a "guns-blazing" type of guy first, a "jump off of the highest point I can find on to my enemies heads" type of guy secondly, and a stealth guy almost never. Just in case you haven't played the Metal Gear series, I'll go ahead and tell you that every game is based heavily around stealth. Stealth and I can't co-exist.
Despite this personal shortcoming, I powered through the Metal Gear Solid games, and I cannot stress "powered" enough. Why, you ask? Because like I said, the universe is freaking awesome. The music, the plot twists, and nineties style exposition, was all just made for ME. I'm into cheesy one-liners, and karate chops. Those things are my bread and butter. Throughout my playtime though, there was one thing that stood so far above everything else. One thing that kept me going through times of self doubt. One thing that kept me from quitting at my weakest. That one thing would have to be the completely sweet names.
Below this introduction, you'll find a list of names, and characters that I'm incredibly jealous of. Whether or not these names are their "real" names matters not. All that matters is that one of them is named after a FREAKING GUN. Gaze down below at Hideo Kojima's greatest achievements.
Note: These are just the characters from the first Metal Gear Solid title. There were simply just too many awesome names to cover the entire series in one blog.
7. Solid Snake
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Solid Snake? A game where espionage, one-liners, and mullets reign supreme, with a main character by the name of Snake? This is the Escape From New York video game tie-in, I know it! I swear if he isn't voiced by Kurt Russel then this game will forever be a failure in my eyes.
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: Nope. He wasn't voiced by Kurt Russel. He wasn't even voiced by someone who sounded SIMILAR to Kurt Russel. That was a missed opportunity. He was totally awesome though. I kind of wanted to throw my PlayStation out my window every time he died though...
6. Liquid Snake
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Hmmm...this kind of debunks my Kurt Russel theory. So, these snakes come in different elemental forms I suppose? Is there a Gaseous Snake by any chance? I imagine it'd be pretty hard to kill a Liquid Snake though. A Solid Snake is realistically a regular snake, and I imagine a Liquid Snake would just sort of slosh if you tried to shoot it or chop off it's head...I wonder if it's venomous?
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: GUYS. He wasn't a Snake! He wasn't even Liquid! In fact he was totally, not-Kurt Russel's c-- Deleted due to spoiler. To be honest he was kind of lame though. He couldn't live up to the name.
5. Sniper Wolf
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Oh crap. So not only can this thing shoot Kurt Russel in the face from across the map like some sort of Call of Duty troll, but if it misses, or runs out of shots, it can claw Snakes eyes out with it's freaking Wolf claws. Not cool Kojima.
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: I've have never been so angry in my life. That was the HARDEST boss battle I think I've ever been through. SHE was not a Wolf. Apparently these people have code-names or something, because I'm not getting to fight any water-snakes, or crack-shot wolves.
4. Vulcan Raven
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Okay, okay. I have to try my very hardest not to imagine a sentient Raven, from planet Vulcan. This is Metal Gear, not Star Trek. I mean, how awesome could a space-faring death bird actually be? The answer is "pretty awesome" actually...
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: A freaking TANK? Really? I got into this boss fight expecting to have to dodge Vulcan pinches (yeah, I gave into the space bird theory), and they throw a freaking tank at me. Wow. Anyways, you have to fight the guy twice, and aside from the lack of Star Trek involvement, he was still a pretty awesome boss.
3. Decoy Octopus
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: ...huh? An Octopus, which is one of the most terrifyingly creepy monsters in the ocean, serves as a DECOY for something else? I swear if I end up fighting a Shark in a helicopter I'll snap my console in half. Just kidding. That'd be the best boss fight ever thought up...DIBS ON THE IDEA.
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: Well, he wasn't a "decoy" for anything really, he was just more of a jerk. I've got to say, he had one of the coolest names in the game, but he was easily the character I liked the least. Still though, Kurt Russell versus a Shark in a helicopter would have been brilliant. Way to the drop the ball guys.
2. Psycho Mantis
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Whoa! Why didn't my parents name me that?! I bet NO ONE messed with him in grade school, if that's his real name. I mean, he's got to be a total bad a** kung foo war lord or something right? Maybe a mustache twirling, schizophrenic? Wow I can't wait to meet him.
Thoughts Upon Finishing The Game: OMG, OMG OMG, that boss fight was awesomely frustrating! I mean, what happened to the controller? Psycho Mantis is seriously the greatest thing to come from this game. Even Kurt Russel couldn't hold a candle to this dude. The lack of a nefarious mustache detracts from his rating though. You can't have a name like Psycho Mantis, and not have an evil caterpillar resting on your upper lip.
1. Revolver Ocelot
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: No way. There is absolutely no way that someone was deemed awesome enough for that name. I fully expect a snarky, duel-revolver wielding, jungle cat. I mean, a revolver is a weapon used by someone who thinks automatic weapons, and explosives are for pansies. This has to be one hardened dude for his first name to be Revolver.
Thoughts Upon First Hearing The Name: Meh. His boss fight wasn't all too impressive. But Revolver himself...he was a beast. He may not have had the ability to scale trees, or hunt gazelle, but he was a grizzled old man, who toted around a western style revolver. Also: THAT MUSTACHE. You leave this blog with style points sir. I'm naming my first born after him. Yes, even it's a girl.
I think we can all agree that Hideo Kojima, and his development team are a group of mad men, who deem it necessary to bless their characters with the most stupidly awesome names ever concocted. Later games have characters that go by names like, Solidus Snake, and The End. While neither are as astonishingly creative as the ones on this list, it's safe to say that any name goes over at Kojima. Anyways here are a few recommendations for bosses in Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes.