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Le Hannibal - A week or so ago, I was planning on writing a little blog on the best facial hair in gaming. I was actually three quarters of the way through with a rough draft when I got several messages from different people suggesting that I do this one as a co-blog. Who do you think they suggested? That cynical jerk Jolt for some reason. So, said jerk and I now bring you the list of the definitive list of the best facial hair in gaming.
Jolt the Cynic - It obviously pays to be cynical. The GIO appreciates the truth every now and again. But yes, I happen to be an expert when it comes to facial hair. My wife digs the caveman look. If I shave, I look like I am in middle school. Yeah...be jealous of my natural good looks.
LH - I'm more of a mustache kinda guy, although it defies the bro code. Thing is, if you can grow a mustache worthy enough, the bro code is negated. (read: Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliot) Anyways let's get this thing started.
Jolt - Sam Elliot is amazing.
10. Max Payne
LH - When Max Payne 3 was first announced, I knew this game would be something special. Not because of his notoriety as a bullet throwing bad ass, but because of his Bald/Beard combo. If you're the singer of a heavy metal band, a taxi driver, or Bruce Willis, then you rock this combo. And now Max Payne has joined the party, and he's joining it with a moderate length face warmer.Congrats Max.
Jolt - You stole my Bruce Willis line...you know what? I'm gonna say it anyways! Bruce Willis anyone? There, I feel better. While I never could get into the Max Payne series, the facial hair alone on Max is enough for me to give this game a go. I've always wanted to play as Bruce in a game. A Die Hard game would be good, given Rockstar was responsible. Anyways, back to the point - Good job Max!
9. The Truth
LH - I know absolutely nothing about this guy besides the fact that he's in the GTA universe, more than likely smokes an illegal herb, and has outstanding fibers. I'm going to guess that he owns a coffee shop, and talks about aliens. Take it away Jolt, before I embarrass myself.
Jolt - Too late. The Truth is probably my favorite GTA character in my favorite GTA game. Not only is he what I want to be when I grow up, but he is the smartest person in the GTA universe. The old-man whiskers are icing, really. Truth's missions leads to the most awesome mode of transportation in any GTA game. No, not the jet pack, but the psychedelic van. I could probably do an entire blog on this guy alone, so I should let Hannibal move on so he can redeem himself. He has never played San Andreas...yes, let the lynching begin.
LH - What...what have you just done to me?
Jolt - I let the Truth be know! See what I did there?
LH - *sigh*
LH - Slaughtering his way into the top ten is Kratos. He murdered everyone from the Sonic, and Mega Man universes, and is now flaunting around with an incredible chin something. Beard? Sure. He's also sporing the bald/beard look, so he gets style points for that as well. Also Kratos, if you're offended by being so low on the list, take it up with Jolt. I had nothing to do with this and do not wish to feel your wrath.
Jolt - YEAH! Hannibal wanted you at number 2, associating you with poop. I saved you that humiliation, Kratos. Props to the god-killer. Take it from me; it takes skill to pull off that look. I tried and failed miserably. To be able to beat out all those other old-timers with their hugemungous facial follicles is a feat in itself. Oh and he beat out an old hippie and a drugged out madman. Good job Kratos, you dork.
LH - Yep, Jolt said it...
Jolt - You need to grow a set.
LH - While modeling his hair style after Jolt's back hair, Heihachi wins vicious bonus points for that incredible soup strainer. It's thick and even from end to end, and curls into an angry looking handle bar. Heihachi may have a dorky haircut, but the ladie are sure to flock towards his masculine lip growth.
Jolt - I hate your face Hannibal, and I don't even know how ugly it is. Anyways, Heihachi was my favorite fighter when I was first introduced to Tekken, and he is still my favorite after a bunch of sequels and spin-offs. Hannibal thinks this guy is silly-looking, but I would call it intimidating. Think about it...an old guy across the fighting ring that looks like he just stuck his tongue in a light socket. I'd be afraid. Keep in mind that I just stood up to Kratos.
LH - Excuse me if a God Slayer frightens me more than a walking cotton swab haha. Moving on.
6. Gordon Freeman
LH - Gordon Freeman is one of my favorite video game characters of all time. He's completely emotionless, and doesn't say a word, but his actions most definitely speak for him...what speaks even louder is that righteous goatee that he gracefully carries around. Seriously, if you want a goatee, you should be holding said goatee up to this standard of quality.
Jolt - I am a huge fan of Morgan Freeman. I loved him in Seven with Brad Pitt. My favorite with him in it though is Wanted. Remember when the dude got smacked in slo-mo with the keyboard? Classic. Everyone wants a voice like Morgan's too. Quite distinctive and distinguished and such things. He is a national treasure for sure. I didn't know he was in a video game though...good find Hannibal.
LH - O_o...So everyone, Jolt has a death wish.
Jolt - You have something against Morgan Freeman?! You are the one with the death wish!
LH - Now we get into the upper echelon of facial hair glory. The old master himself is stepping up at number five, and then putting the number itself into a hairy choke hold. From his skullet, to his ridiculously simple yet elegant beard, he reeks of pure awesome. He trained Ryu, and Ken, and then presumably put them to sleep with a chloroform beard punch. Also like Chuck Norris, he hides another fist behind that thing. Just saying.
Jolt - Don't get me going on Chuck Norris. My first choice was Zangief. You know, stick with the classics. But Gouken is far too awesome to ignore. He is amazing. When I grow up to be like The Truth, I'd like a pit stop at Gouken along the way. And for once, Hannibal and I agree. I, too, believe he has a fist or seven hiding somewhere in/around his face.
LH - Coming in at number four is...whoa...wait, what is that? How do yo stride into a war zone with that?! All the guys that he's warring against will be aiming down their barrels at him - not because of the war they're fighting - but because of the envy they have towards his epic freaking beard. He's the last beard on this list, and he most certainly deserves it. You go Dusty.
Jolt - This one is totally unbelievable. The military would never allow that. Not to mention the comfort factor. I mean...sweating during a war leads to cases of the itchy beard. If I had to trim my mane a few days ago just because of the heat/itchy factor, there is no way he could deal with that. I'd like to see him get a shot while itching his face. I am all for facial, but Dusty...seriously. Cut it off.
LH - I sense jealousy...it's okay buddy. One day you'll be able to sprout true hairs from that womanly skin of yours.
Jolt - Even considering my plethora of manliness, you continue your childish antics. I refuse to lower myself to your standards. Turd.
LH - Run away, old man. I'll always be one step behind you.
LH - And then we shafted the Mario Bros. and Wario, and chose the gravity defying reject that goes by the name of Waluigi. Personally I've never been on the Waluigi band wagon, but I most certainly respect the stache'. When a physicist looks upon those comically ridiculous whiskers, they tremble with sheer jealousy. He's the gold standard for cartoon facial hair.
Jolt - And back to disagreements. Again. I think Waluigi is the most underrated game villain of our time. Not only is he not a hero like Mairo or Luigi...not only is he not the enemy of the main character like Wario...but he is the enemy of the sidekick. That's gotta be hard to live with. But, even yet, he continues to gob the hair gel onto his face to acquire the epitome of the bad guy mustache. Snidely Junior if there ever was one.
LH - You would know all about that disappoinment wouldn't you? As Robin constantly wipes the floor with you daily. And I'm talking about 70's speedo Robin. (Jolt is really a villain in the Batman universe, in case you didn't know)
Jolt - And you would be an expert on speedo Robin yes? Once again, your sexual orientation comes into question. Being gay is alright, just be honest with yourself, and jump in head first.
2. Old Snake
LH - Snake has built a reputation throughout his career regarding his epic facial hair. While I failed horribly at the series, I was stunned into a teary silence by Old Snake's majestic mustache. It's near perfection goes hand in hand with his well groomed but risky mullet and in the end silences all as we stare, mouth agape, at his fantastic lip comb. Plus old dudes with facial hair are awesome, just in case our list hasn't made that obvious.
Jolt - You failing at things is a normal occurrence. I was never a fan of the MGS series either, but the reasoning wasn't because I suck like my co-blogger here. It's just not my style. Sneaking around and fighting from the dark is for frightened people who can't go toe to toe with hordes of enemies. That being said, I know a righteous lip caterpillar when I see one, and we should all be envious of Geriatric Snake.
LH - You and Snake are both up in the years, and I understand that you're supposed to respect your old and decrepit elders. So I won't be insulting you on this one.
Jolt - That's good, or I will take you to the woodshed and give you a good talkin' to.
LH - That uh...sounds incredibly creepy...alright, well let's move on to our number 1 shall we?
Jolt - Hurry up, I got people to do and things to see.
LH - INAPPROPRIATE!
1. Mike Haggar
LH - Behold, the most incredible collection of hair in the history of gaming...possibly the history of history even. THIS is the exact mustache that I am working towards. It's perfectly symmetrical, and is consistently thick throughout. Bow before the awesomeness that is Mike Haggar. My experience with him comes solely from Marvel versus Capcom 3, but he's apart of my A-Team. His wicked sweet slicked back hairdo, only compliments his glorious lip garden. Jolt may want to be The Truth when he want's to grow up, but that's only because he could never be Mike Haggar.
Jolt - I wouldn't want to be Mike Haggar. If you knew your history, you'd know that his town is always being roughed up by hooligans, and someone is always being kidnapped. Even with Haggars downfalls, he definitely has the greatest mustache in all of gaming. The thing that makes is so awesome? Longevity. He has been punching people in the face for years, and he never has a hair out of place while doing it. Even in Saturday Night Slam Masters, he is a wrestler, and maintains his statuesque hair; not only on his head, but on his face as well. He should have been cast in the Terminator games...
Le Hannibal - Well that's about all we could come up with as far as writing goes, and I still have video games to play, so I'll take this opportunity to say, the end, and thanks for committing your time again Jolt!
Jolt the Cynic - You are interfering with my game time. The next time you need help with blogging, feel free to beg me for my expert analysis. Bye kids! <---- Catchphrase
*A final note* Thanks again to Jolt for stopping by and being a good sport, and thanks for reading guys.