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New Games on the Horizon

Xtra word-up supa dope mad homeboy props to codforlife for providing a subject idea that I could steal. Although, why the guy is fixated on fish is beyond me.

I present forthwith games that are in production as we speak. Or, they should be.

Bioshock Allegorica: Ken Levine sallies forth on educating players concerning the dangers of free market capitalism in a game that draws heavily from the book An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith. Set in Machu Picchu, the Lost City of the Incas, the protagonist (a Scottish economist named Adam Smith, oddly enough) is beset by a group that calls itself Division of Labor. Nominally a populist military organization, their real agenda is the subjugation of the lower class. Smith must battle the group, while fending off attacks by a mysterious beast called The Invisible Hand. It's a first person shooter in which Levine gets his point across by having the player kill any NPCs that disagree with Ken Levine. The climax sees Smith confront the leader of Division of Labor on the top of the Incan Pyramid of Efficiency, cryptically asking him how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

"Will your multiplicity of manufacturing procedures and resultant leisure time save you now?"

BOOM!!

"Guess not."

 

Ken Levine has something to say, dammit! Listen to Ken Levine!

 

DLC announced to follow: Bioshock Deciduous; Bioshock Coniferous; Bioshock Tempestuous; and The Trials of Alan Alda.

 

New Super Marion Bros.: French actress Marion Cotillard and her sister Louisa romp through 50 levels of challenging platforming fun to rescue Prince Hollande from the clutches of Schnauzer, the rascally German would-be ruler of Quiche Kingdom and its residents, the Frogs. Bounce and bound off famous French landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, the Arch de Triumph, and the McDonald's in Paris (although you should probably avoid the Ardennes). Hear Marion say funny little foreign phrases like "C'est la mort" when she stomps enemies, and "Sacre Bleu!" when the player loses a life. Alienate video game heroes by acting all snooty and superior and disagreeing with everything they say. Threaten to withdraw your membership from the United Video Games League of you don't get your way. The possibilities are limitless!

Region locked.

 

Jump on it, Marion!

 

Other titles to look for:

- Marion Soiree Neuf, Wine and Cheese Edition

- Marion vs Donkeaux Kongoisee

- Marion and Louisa: Schnauzer's Inside Story

 

Call of Duty Black Special Ghost Spartan Pirate Secret War World Frigate Ops 27: Now with online multiplayer!

 

Obami: The great spirit of John Maynard Keynes inhabits the President of Nippon as he attempts to rid the land of creeping supply-side darkness. Throw billions of yen at evil spirits. Battle bloated, hideous, limited government bosses. Be rendered impotent by uncooperative allies. IGN calls it "The most fun I've had in a game since the 'Self-Surgery' series."

 

Tales of Ickia: RPG in which middle-aged Japanese men finally get to give full rein to their rather disconcerting obsession with underage girls in really short skirts who battle each other over the course of a nubile 100+ hour adventure. Auto-pause enabled, zoom-enhanced, turn-based ogling combat system ensures that every katana strike and heaving bosom can be savored in glorious high definition. Not a minute of the creepy-as-hell action will be missed. There is even a freeze and save option, so you can load your triumphs to view any time you like on your PC, laptop, tablet, smart phone, television, microwave, refrigerator, clock, car windows, dishes, glasses, pets, and burned onto your retinas. Lush, beautifully rendered hand-painted backgrounds mean reviewers will overlook the obvious and drone on and on about how this game is a work of art and that gaming is finally ready to be taken seriously as a legitimate form of expression.

 

It's all about the gameplay. Riiiiight.

 

Release date: Not nearly soon enough.

Retail price: Doesn't matter. You know you'll pay it.

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