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Video Game Life Lessons

Everybody has heard the complaints about parents in our society who let television or video games raise their kids. In fact, I think these parents get a bad rap.

It's easy to say things like "sitting your kid down in front of video games for five hours a day will rot his brain" or "TV does not make a good babysitter," or maybe even "you shouldn't tie your kid to the roof of the car if he's annoying you on a 12-hour drive."

It's easy to say, but is it really a bad thing?

Anyway, I think having video games raise our kids can actually be a good thing! There are some valuable life lessons that can be taught by some of the greatest video games. So many lessons, in fact, that I think parents *should* sit their kids down to play these games for multiple hours during the day. That also gives the parents some alone time, if you get my meaning.

Why should adults let kids get in the way of living their life?

Here are some of the many things your kid can learn, if you just take the effort to...well, not put any effort in to raising your kid.

1) If you have suffered a catastrophic accident, or somebody's trying to kill you, eating a bunch of food will fix everything, as long as you don't die first.

Did your dad buy you that "Boy's First Guillotine" that you've always wanted? Did you accidentally set it off when you were putting it together while Dad was inside having his daily glass or two (or three) of gin, cutting off your arm? Don't worry. Just go into the kitchen, chow down on a few apple pies, thick juicy steaks, apples, potatoes, things like that. Your arm will grow back, no problem! Blood loss? Pfft! Not to worry. The food will replenish it. Especially the apple pie.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm apple pie.

2) On a related note, you can eat as much as you want and you won't get fat! Did you want to go out on a grand adventure? Or maybe just impress little Molly down the street with the way you swing that battle axe that Daddy bought you? Just make sure you have a lot of food with you. Eat it all, as there will not be any side effects.

And if you happen to accidentally hit Molly, make sure she eats a bunch before her parents show up. And maybe have her change clothes. They might, for some completely unknown reason, actually be upset with you.

3) Punctuality is for sissies

Were you supposed to meet somebody on the other side of the world? Don't worry, you've got plenty of time for a side trip to every other city in the world first, taking care of all of your other business. They'll just stand there waiting for you. They have their smartphones with them, so they'll get plenty of Angry Birds in while they're waiting.

After all, everything in the world revolves around you, so you get to choose what you want to do first. Even if something else is urgent.

Warning: this may not apply in cases of lycanthropy or any other body transformation illnesses. You might want to get that looked at.

Or have a pie!

4) Experimentation is the key to the universe

Not sure whether something is the smartest thing to do or not? Who cares? You only live thousands of times! What's one little life anyway? Go out and explore! What's the worst that can happen? Evisceration? Disemboweling? Falling into a flaming pit? What are you, a scaredy-cat?

Can you make the jump to that ledge? Don't just hang there whining. Jump! Do it! If you fall off the edge, you'll get another chance.

What's in that forest? Something big and hungry? If you die, just don't go in there next time. Nothing teaches you a better lesson than dying does. That's the most common epitaph out there for a reason, you know.

5) It doesn't matter how bad of a crime you commit, if you can just avoid the police for a while, and maybe change the colour of your car, then all will be right with the world.

Who cares if you just murdered a bunch of cops while robbing a bank. I didn't like  blue anyway. Now red...red is awesome.

 

I think this is why parents should let video games raise their kids. What else are you going to do, bow down to idiotic things like...what, morals? Logic? Science?

It's no wonder we live in the society we do when you put it like that.

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