The lights are on
Gamescom 2014 wrapped up this past weekend, and our eyes are only starting to recover from watching all the trailers. We couldn't help but notice that a lot of them ended with taglines – some good, some not so great. We're nothing if not helpful, so here are our suggestions on how they could have been improved.
DestinyThe Tagline: Become LegendTeardown: Let’s ignore the fact that this sounds like something a caveman would say. In Bungie’s MMO shooter, you’re in a world that’s densely populated with people all vying for glory. And they all happen to be the chosen ones, too (or so we think). While it’s good to have goals, you probably aren’t going to rise to straight-up legendary status in Destiny. Sorry, space warlock.Suggested Replacement: Become A LegendAlternate Suggested Replacement: Be A Shooty Guy In Space
Dead Island 2The Tagline: Come for the Fun, Stay for the Slaughter / Fry ‘Em, Freeze ‘Em, Slice ‘Em / Rock ‘Em, Hawk ‘Em, Shock ‘Em / Living the Dream in CaliforniaTeardown: Holy. Crap. When you’re cutting zombies apart and fighting to survive, you have to make split-second decisions. Perhaps the people behind all of these taglines should have made some decisions, too. For example, they could have picked one good suggestion instead of transcribing everything from their brainstorming sessions.Suggested Replacement: Come for the Fun, Stay for the Slaughter [AND END HERE]Alternate Suggested Replacement: Dead Island 2: No Longer On An Island
Galak-ZThe Tagline: Blast Off 2014Teardown: You’ll start to notice a pattern when you look at a lot of these taglines. With few exceptions, they’re written in fragmented headline-ese. You could look at them as puzzles, inserting the appropriate words to figure out their meaning. Or you could impotently rage about it online. It’s up to you. You don’t need to be a World War II codebreaker to decipher this one, but would it have killed them to add a two-letter word? It’s not like they were hard up for space.Suggested Replacement: Blast Off In 2014Alternate Suggested Replacement: Blow Up Everything In This Awesome-Looking Space Game
Assassin's Creed UnityThe Tagline: Make HistoryTeardown: How are we making history here? By getting desynchronized when we move out of a mission’s boundaries? By watching a bunch of French people give speeches in British accents? By participating in a record attempt at “Most combined hours wasted watching an end-credits sequence”? Monsieur, help!Suggested Replacement: The Past Comes To LifeAlternate Suggested Replacement: Homework Stinks, Play This Game Instead
War ThunderThe Tagline: This is WarTeardown: There’s nothing inherently wrong about this one, except that it would work for virtually any other video game ever made. That’s a problem, right?Suggested Replacement: Blood in the SkiesAlternate Suggested Replacement: No, It’s Not World Of Warplanes
Shadow RealmsThe Tagline: You’ve Been ChosenTeardown: We’ve heard this kind of approach before, and it was usually when we had to mow the lawn or do something unpleasant around the house. Is that what you’re going for here, BioWare? Suggested Replacement: Master Your DungeonAlternate Suggested Replacement: Please Don’t Hold Mass Effect 3’s Ending Against Us Any Longer
Mortal Kombat XThe Tagline: Who’s Next?Teardown: OK, this sounds like something that Kano would say immediately after breaking bones, tearing muscles, and ultimately burning a hole through some guy’s head with his eye-laser thing. Fair enough. Still, if you’re going to mine The Who’s discography for lines, why stop there? Here are a couple alternatives that work even better, in our humble opinion.Suggested Replacement: Who Are YouAlternate Suggested Replacement: Live at Leeds
FIFA 15The Tagline: Feel the GameTeardown: EA Sports already has a perfectly great tagline in “It’s in the Game.” It’s simple, effective, and short. Why get cute, especially when goalies – the subject of the trailer – wear gloves that inhibit their ability to feel anything? If it works, keep rolling with it. That’s never been a problem before, right EA?Suggested Replacement: It’s in the GameAlternate Suggested Replacement: Yes, People Play the Crap Out of These Games
The CrewThe Tagline: Never Stop/Get Caught/Back Down/Look Back/Play Safe/Be Second/Pull Over/Slow Down/Give Up/Let Go/Never Drive Alone Teardown: Ubisoft took a page from Deep Silver, ending their clip with a flashing series of rough drafts before settling on “Never Drive Alone.” That’s either great helicopter-parenting advice or a commentary on the game’s MMO-style playground. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that it’s the latter. Suggested Replacement: Anything but “Never Be Second,” because that one stinksAlternate Suggested Replacement: Never Look For Minnesota on the Map
Fable LegendsThe Tagline: All for One or One Takes AllTeardown: This one’s cute, because it gives you options – just like the game. As the tagline says, you can be a team player or go it solo as the villain. And there’s a little Three Musketeers-style wordplay in there, too. Because of that, we’re going to begrudgingly leave this one alone. Suggested Replacement: All for One or One Takes AllAlternate Suggested Replacement: This One’s Seriously Not on Rails for Reals
DriveClubThe Tagline: #driveclubTeardown: This one redefines laziness. It doesn’t even direct people to a Twitter account they can follow. Instead, they’re given a hashtag. What are we supposed to do now? “Can anyone recommend a dog groomer in the cities? #driveclub” “This bag of chips had a nail in it! #driveclub” “Having a miserable time at dinner with my wife how long are we going to let this charade go on? #driveclub” Thanks for nothing. #driveclubSuggested Replacement: The Heart and Soul of Car Culture [Copied and pasted from their site; I can be lazy, too!] Alternate Suggested Replacement: http://us.playstation.com/ps4/games/drive-club-ps4.html
LittleBigPlanet 3The Tagline: Welcome to Your LittleBigPlanet 3Teardown: OK, it’s another cute tagline. You wouldn’t expect anything less from this franchise, would you? The tagline comes like an adorable one-two punch, starting at the beginning of the video with “Welcome to LittleBigPlanet 3,” turning into “Welcome to Your LittleBigPlanet 3” at the end. It’s hard to find fault with this one. It’s welcoming (quite literally) and friendly. So much of the series centers on users being able to build their own levels and creations, so it only seems fitting to cap it off with “your.” Well done. Damn it.Suggested Replacement: Welcome to Your LittleBigPlanet 3 [Maybe make the text bigger or something though]Alternate Suggested Replacement: Let’s All Pretend That E3 Demo Didn’t Happen
Far Cry 4The Tagline: What Are You Made of?Teardown: What are you made of? Watch the accompanying trailer, and you might assume it’s either red or blue sand. We get that Ubisoft (again?) is playing off hero Ajay Ghale’s journey of discovering his own identity. Tweaking the tagline allows people to answer the question in a way that supports the game. How can you answer that original question, anyway? What a strange thing to ask.Suggested Replacement: Who Are You [Only if Mortal Kombat X hasn’t used it first]Alternate Suggested Replacement: You Can Stomp Dudes On An Elephant In This Game
Toy Soldiers: War ChestThe Tagline: The Toys Are Coming Out of the BoxTeardown: The toys have been coming out of the box since Signal Studios released the first Toy Soldiers four years ago. The games would have been pretty lame if they stayed in, after all. Unfortunately, the Toy Story movies and Disney Infinity have already used up a lot of our toy-based wordplay. That can only mean one thing: Jaws reference.Suggested Replacement: You’re Gonna Need A Bigger BoxAlternate Suggested Replacement: No Girls Allowed
The Order: 1886The Tagline: Discover History’s Darkest SecretTeardown: Werewolves and monsters can be pretty spooky, but are they history’s darkest secret? Even for the game industry, it’s a little hyperbolic. Let’s see if we can dial it down a bit while being respectful of the original intent.Suggested Replacement: Discover History’s Deepest SecretAlternate Suggested Replacement: This is War
Oh, damn it.
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