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Analyzing Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate's New Monsters

When it comes to hunting, people often say that man is the most dangerous game. Those people are idiots; giant monsters are clearly way more dangerous, and the Monster Hunter franchise is loaded with them. If you don't believe me, join me for an analysis of the deadly new monsters of Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, which launches on March 19.

I've never actually played a Monster Hunter game before, but I've already proven myself an expert at monster analysis, having tackled the terrifying and deadly creatures of Pokémon on two separate occasions. After assessing dozens of pocket monsters, I think a handful of new Monster Hunter monsters shouldn't be too hard.

Nargacuga (Rare Species)
Species: Flying Wyvern
Analysis: Holy crap, these monster hunters aren't messing around. This rare form of Nargacuga has the ability to turn invisible, and can also shoot poisonous spikes out of its spiky tail, which is overkill if you ask me. It's also classified as a Wyvern, which is basically a two-legged dragon...even though this thing clearly has four legs. I'm not sure what purpose the orange markings under its eyes and rainbow-colored scales on its chest serve, but I'm going to assume it's because even a ferocious monster likes to feel pretty from time to time.
Danger Level: High
Demeanor: Fierce Yet Fancy

Brachydios
Species: Brute Wyvern
Analysis: Alright, I'm just going to assume that Capcom decided to throw the whole "Wyverns have two legs" thing out the window, because all of these monsters have way too many limbs. This one also seems to be suffering from some kind of terrible illness, because it's covered in phlegm. Have monster hunters ever considered the possibility that maybe these guys are just ticked off because they're sick all the time? Or do they just jump straight to killing these creatures without considering what makes them monsters in the first place? I'm beginning to sense an injustice here...

The Brachydios have a weakness to water attacks, but I'm guessing a box of Kleenex and a dose of Nyquil would also do the job.
Danger Level: Medium
Gross-Out Factor: Off The Charts

Rust Duramboros
Species: Brute Wyvern
Analysis: The poor Rust Duramboros doesn't get nearly the amount of respect it deserves. Despite its menacing horns and deadly ax tail, this subspecies of the Duramboros has been nicknamed Pink Dobo, due to the coloring caused by living in the deserts of Sandy Plains. It's bad enough that monster hunters slay these legendary beasts for no good reason; calling them Pink Dobos is just demeaning.
Danger Level: Underrated
Respect Level: Ain't Getting  Any

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