Lines start forming in the dead of night for sales on everything from laundry machines to video games when the celestial retail forces align in their annual super-conjunction on Black Friday. Fortunately, we as gamers have the power of handheld systems to overcome the boredom that deadens the eyes of traditional bargain-hounds. Here is the ammunition you need to load into your handheld for five common Black Friday situations.

Unbelievably cheap washer/dryer sets! One day only!

What fresh hell is this? You're surrounded by the demons and devils that haunt this blasted realm: the middle-aged mother of three whose kind nature is corrupted into grasping avarice by the idea of a front-loading dryer for $100, the soulless husk of a single man beaten into submission by the incessant advertising, the bitter young couple who angrily insist that they aren't paid enough to afford basic appliances.

The Sears parking lot at 3am is a terrible place that saps the strongest wills. Let this be your shield:

Feed off of the negativity around you and channel its deadly power into the Vampire Killer. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles is brutally difficult at points as only old-school 2D action games can be, but you can revel in the fact that no matter how many times a medusa head knocks you into insta-death spikes, you won't be the most frustrated person in the room. That would be the guy behind you, who didn't charge his phone and can't even retreat to crappy free Sudoku puzzles.

Next up: How to conquer a 2am wake-up time, and not turn into a zombie!