Super Smash Bros. Character Interview #3

The Villager


Welcome to the (long overdue) third iteration of my Smash Bros. character interviews.

Here’s the link to the first one:

And the second one:

Assuming that you’ve read my first stories, you probably know what’s up so I won’t bore you with the details. Just find you reading glasses, open up a coke, and enjoy my literary masterpiece. This interview will be of the Villager. As new characters introduced, I’ll write about their interview process. Up on the pipeline are Rosalina and Little Mac. NOW ENJOY!!!!

WARNING: If you feel as if I haven’t portrayed the character’s well, or if I’ve made a horrendous grammatical error, feel free to complain in the comments section. I accept constructive criticism and blatant remarks concerning the weight of my mother.



         “Pika pika, PIKA PIKA! Pikachu pi pika. Pichu, pichu! PIKACHU!!”

         “Dawww, I have no idea what you’re saying,” Captain Falcon cooed.

         “Pika!” Pikachu growled, electricity sparking out of his cheeks.

         Captain Falcon looked at the yellow rodent before bursting out in laughter. “It’s impossible to take you seriously, I mean look at how cute you are!” The Captain poked Pikachu’s red cheek but quickly pulled his hand away as electricity surged through his finger. “Ow!” he yelled.

         Samus snickered as Captain began to suck his finger. “I bet you didn’t see that coming.”

         “It’s just a stupid mouse, last time I checked mice don’t have electrically charged faces.”

         Samus gasped and cupped Pikachu’s ears. “Don’t call him stupid!”

         “Why are you cupping his ears? It’s not like he understands people,” Captain Falcon muttered.

         Samus removed her hands from Pikachu’s ears and pointed at the F-Zero pilot. “Pikachu, use thunderbolt!”

         Pikachu stood on all fours on the folding chair and began to charge. “PiiiikaaaaaCHUUUUUU!!!” the electric type yelled, blasting Captain Falcon.

         “It seems like Pikachu understood me perfectly,” Samus said with a  smile.

         Captain Falcon coughed up black smoke before replying. “Two can play at this game.” He looked at Pikachu while pointing at Samus. “Pikachu, use falcon punch!”

         Pikachu gave Falcon a confused look before blasting him with another thunderbolt.

         “Why are you even here?!” Captain Falcon asked the mouse. “You can’t talk, or even pick up a pencil! Mario must be losing his mind if he thinks you’re a fit judge.”

         “Hey that reminds me,” Samus said, “where’s Link?”

         Captain falcon looked to his right, coming face to face with an empty chair. “Oh yeah, where is that fairy boy?”

         As if on cue, Link walked into the room followed by an evil warlock. “So I was thinking, today is Valentine’s Day, right? You probably have some stupid plans with Zelda later on today, and that’s fine, but if you really want to impress her, I think a damsel in distress scenario would really work. Just think about it, I kidnap Zelda, hold her hostage for a little bit, then you come and attempt to save. And if I don’t end up killing you, you’ll be a hero. And you might even get kiss. Just make sure you don’t end up in the wrong castle. You don’t know how many times Mario shows up my castle all like, “Where is-a da Princess?” I hate that plumber…”

         “For the last time Ganon, I will not allow you to kidnap the princess!” Link yelled.

         Ganondorf cracked his knuckles and deviously grinned, “I wasn’t really asking for your permission.”

         “Why do I even bother? And what’s with you and kidnapping recently?” Link asked as he took his seat.

         “I’m in a little contest with Bowser. That wretched Koopa King will finally kneel before me,” Ganondorf smirked. He walked around the table and was going to sit in his seat until he noticed the Pokémon. “Get out of my seat before I turn you into rat stew.”

         Pikachu twitched his ears, gazing up at Ganondorf. The electric mouse then jumped out of the chair and scampered out of the door.

         “You know what, I actually miss that little guy,” Captain Falcon said. “He’s a lot better than ol’ porky over here.”

         “Would you like me to turn into ol’ porky now, you measly excuse for a pilot?”

         Before Captain Falcon could think of a comeback, a boy wearing a red t-shirt entered the room. “Sorry I’m late,” the boy said, “I had some… gardening to attend to.”

         Samus flipped through the papers laying on the table and came to an application. “You must be the Villager then, welcome to the interview.”

         “Thanks Ms. Aran, I’m glad to have another chance to join you all in this game. You’ll finally see what I’m truly capable of.”

         Ganondorf slammed his fist on the table and began to laugh, “Capable of what, catching beetles?”

         The Villager slowly withdrew an ax from his pocket and rested it on his shoulder. “I’m also quite skilled at chopping down trees.” The boy met Ganondorf with a large smile. “No matter how big.”

         “Bah, trees? I once killed a water sage with my bare hands!”

         “Don’t try to test me, Ganondorf. Tom Nook once tried to test me. There’s a reason you won’t see him in the next smash bros.”

         The Gerudo stared at the town boy and began to laugh again. “I like you, kid. You don’t seem to be as much as a pushover as pretty boy over here.”

         Captain Falcon learned forward. “Can we start the interview already? Samus and I have some Valentine’s Day plans later on.”

         Link and Ganondorf turned to face the female bounty hunter, awestruck.

         “He asked me out, several times mind you, and I decided to be nice. For once. Tell anybody else about this and you’ll get a super missile to the face. Now can we move on?”

         “Uh, sure…” Link looked at The Villager. “First question, why do you think you’re qualified to become a smash fighter?”

         “I don’t have a good reason for you Mr. Link. I just think it would be fun. All I really wanna do is catch butterflies… and kick ass.” The Villager slowly turned his head to face Captain Falcon, staring him directly in the eyes. Under his breath he said, “And I don’t see any butterflies.”


         Captain Falcon gulped hard. “I don’t like this kid…”

         Ganondorf let out a hardy laugh. “It doesn’t even seem like he can fight.”

         The Villager tightened his grip on his ax. “You’re right, I don’t fight… I murder.”

         There was a moment of silence among the judges.

         “Moving on,” Link said, breaking the stillness in the air, “Now we’d like to see you in action.” The Hylian hit a red button, causing a sandbag to fall from the ceiling. “Just use this sandbag to show us your move set.”

         The Villager smiled. “Gladly.” He then pointed his ax at the sandbag. “I will catch you with my net, kill you with my ax, bury you with my shovel, and plant a tree over your grave. I will gather all my friends around town who, none the wiser will eat the fruits from the tree that has grown off your rotting flesh. They will all admire how good it tastes. I will erase you.”

         “Will you start already?! Your creepy death poem is freaking me out!” Captain Falcon yelled, terror in his eyes.

         “There is no need to be upset. I will commence now.”


         “So… How was that?”

         Samus licked her lips. “Well that was certainly… interesting.”

          “I have never been so scared of a little boy cutting down a tree before,” Captain Falcon responded.

         “I liked it,” Link said, “Especially your use of different tools. You do seem like a very different fighter. Both mentally and physically…”

         “I don’t see the problem. This game needs more psychotic killers.” Ganondorf huffed, “And a lot less prancey fairy boys and cheap knock-off clones.”

         “You’re still on this? I was here before you!!” The Captain yelled.

         The Dark Lord ignored the F-Zero pilot. “Alright kid, one last question then you can go off on a murder spree or whatever. What should players expect from you while playing the game?”

         The Villager smiled eerily, “Mercy.”

         The Captain gave the Villager a puzzled look. “Players should expect… mercy.”

         “Does this look like the face of mercy?”

         Captain Falcon opened his mouth. Nothing came out.

         Samus spoke up. “Well… then… Your interview is done!” She held out the application for the Villager to sign. “Just put your signature here and here and put your initials here.” The Villager did as he was told. “Great, thanks. We’ll make final decisions in a couple weeks. Expect a letter when that time comes.”

         “No, no, no, thank you for allowing me to be interviewed. I’ve wanted to join the fray for quite some time now. Up until recently, I’ve just been standing around… Watching all of you fight… I’ve learned quite a few things… Heh heh… Quite a few things indeed…” said the Villager.


         Link cleared his throat. “Okay bye.”

         The Villager nodded, then walked out the door.

         After a moment of silence, Ganondorf broke into laughter once again, startling the others. “That kid is gonna go places.”

         Captain Falcon placed his application in the out box. “If he gets in the game, don’t expect me to return. I actually like to sleep soundly at night.”

         The other judges did the same, then got up to leave. Link and ganondorf walked next to each other as Captain Falcon walked up to Samus, putting his arm around her shoulders. Samus glared at the Captain, causing him to quickly pull his arm away.

         “Just because we’re going on a date later on, doesn’t mean I like you. So don’t touch me, got it?”

         “You need to lighten up girl.”

         “Then she might become an air head like you…” Link said under his breath.

         “That’s it Pixie Stick, you’re getting Falcon Punched in the face!!” Falcon roared. He then charged after the blonde.

         Link ran away, the Captain following closely behind. “Not the face! I'm going on a date with Zelda in an hour!”

         As the two men ran out the door, Samus couldn’t help but smile. But try as she might, she couldn’t hide it from Ganondorf.

         The Great King of Evil snickered, “And you say you don’t like him.”

         “Oh shut up bacon breath!” Samus barked before storming out the door.

         Ganondorf stood in the doorway for a bit. He cupped his hand over his mouth and nose, letting out a breath. He immediately pulled his head away.