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"Victory Nub is a smelly oaf. He steals breakfast cereal from kids and soils the contents BEFORE taking the toy surprise and returning it to the pantry. He can't hold his breath for more than 15 seconds, and his jaw makes this weird clicking sound whenever he chews. I'd like my underwear back, a-hole."
~ Margaret Thatcher
Thanks for writing, Margie. Hi, I'm David, otherwise known VictoryNub, otherwise known Nub, otherwise known as Tappahanock Regional Correctional Facility Inmate #DP812203. My favorite hobbies include video games, assault with a deadly weapon, and watching you sleep. I recently painted a lovely reproduction of Madonna of the Rocks without using my hands or feet. A very large man with disturbingly soft hands, who likes to call me "sweet lips" showed me how.
If... er, rather... WHEN I am released, I plan to visit a wide variety of locations that totally comply with my parole restrictions. I'm sure Vegas is one of them, so I don't need to check.
In conclusion, I hope you learned nothing about me and I can continue to be creepy and overbearing while parading as a responsible adult. Thank you, and forget everything you just read FOR YOUR OWN F***ING GOOD.