GameInformer

Back in the winter of '78, I was conceived at a Jehova Whiteness convention that was passing through my small town of Beninze North Dekota. This convention has been described to me, by grandfather, as a traveling carnival of sorts, mainly because many of the woman had full beards. My mother, a Jehova Whiteness just passing through town, had arrived in a terribly distraught mental state. She had her heart broken and had felt like she could no longer go on. So she jumped, beard and all, off the Main Street bridge (that was oddly located on Locust Ave.) into the murky depths of the Raincart River. My father, an olympic swimmer who had won gold in the freestyle category at the 1990 olympics, saw her jump into the abyss of the river and in a split second, dove in after her. Unfortunately his swimming medal was earned in 1990, and since this was the winter of '78, he didn't know how to swim yet. And in their last, fleeting moments they decided that neither of them wanted to die as virgins. They made sweet and sweaty love before drowning in the river. Their bodies were then washed downstream into the Raincart lake, which was mostly frozen. And in the coldness of the lake, their bodies froze, and so did my embryo, which was in the uterus, which is located by the vagina. These events acted like a cryogenic sleep and preserved my embryo, ensuring my survival. Later, in the summer, after the lake thawed, my parents bodies were discovered after they had washed up on the shore. My embryo was extracted and I was raised mostly in a laboratory. Now, here I am, wandering the earth looking for gold within the magma core. And I will never forget my beginnings, during the winter of 1778.