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The group for lovers of Fanfiction. Write and Discuss all of the GIO members Fanfiction here. Original Works from GIO members!

Sonic x Pokemon

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  • This is the forum to discuss my fanfiction Sonic X Pokemon: Speed Blue version. As you can clearly tell from the unoriginal title, it's a Sonic and Pokemon crossover. It's my first attempt at a crossover fanfiction and one of my first fanfictions in general.

    I picked Sonic and Pokemon as the fandoms used because they're easy to work with and have interesting universes. I would be really thankful for any feedback and suggestions you have.

    Peaceful Days died, Let's Survive 

  • Dude, the mods are gonna shoot this down faster than pigeon hunting rednecks. 

     

  • Sorry man, wasn't paying attention to what forum I'm posting in. Anyway, your idea sounds intriguing. Never heard of that combination before. I'll have to give it a look. 

     

  • 0-0, what where you looking at when you typed that? Never mind, I get the feeling I don't want to know.

    Peaceful Days died, Let's Survive 

  • I read it, and i actually really enjoyed it. It was a fun read. I like the more serious, yet still light-hearted Sonic touch you bring to the story. Great job, can't wait to read more. I honestly didn't know what to expect from that concept, but it came out well.

    Creator of The GIO Fanfiction Group!

  • Well, I got some spare time and I managed to read through your first chapter. Like blaze said, it was a fun read and the premise of the story sounds rather interesting. That said, the writing needs some work. The beginning is full of grammatical errors, and the sentences are rather short and choppy. The story also makes a lot of assumptions about the audience, which isn't too bad most of the time but if someone outside the audience comes in to read it, they can feel a little lost. The dialogue is also very hard to follow. While there isn't a flood of "he said/she said", the total lack thereof had me staring at the screen for a while trying to figure out who was saying what. The story also doesn't offer a whole lot of descriptions to form the mind of the reader, but where it does it kind of seems forced. A notable example:

     

    Gaming Warthog:

    The pokemon had a humanoid appearance. It's stomach was yellow, as well as it's ears. It had red and white shoes and green eyes. Everything else was blue, from it's skinny legs to it's spiky 'hair'. 

    While the description of Sonic is rather apt, it would be better to combine sentences and add subtle ways of introducing the description. "Suddenly it opened, and a trail of light came out, hitting the ground and forming into a Pokemon Miri had never seen before. Aside from its yellow stomach, the entire body from its skinny legs to its spiky hair was covered in a thin, blue fur coat. The humanoid Pokemon rubbed its dark green eyes and then proceeded to dust off its red and white shoes. "

    Something like the above helps gives the reader a good picture of what you're describing while keeping the story flow. Multiple sentences of descriptions put the scene "on pause" as the reader tries to digest the information they've been given. Using something like the above helps keep the scene moving with very little down time because the reader can form the picture as the story progresses. 

     

    If you feel you need help, want a proofreader, or have any other questions, you can always ask any of us here. Good luck and I look forward to the next chapter

  • Yeah, so iDreamRunner just gave a ton of advice, that I probably could never have given. That was really good. I look forward to what you have next.

    Creator of The GIO Fanfiction Group!

  • Thank you. I've been trying to get some criticism for this story for a while now.The actual writing of the story is my weak point. I can come up with a great plot and characters but the actual writing is where I struggle. Well, time to edit.

    Peaceful Days died, Let's Survive 

  • Don't let it get you down. Many people, including myself, just aren't that great at the writing portion. Don't give up though, keep trying and make it the best you can.

    Creator of The GIO Fanfiction Group!

  • Oh my.... I just looked at the blog post and realized the story had become much more compact writing wise. I hate it when stuff like that happens.

    Peaceful Days died, Let's Survive 

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