The lights are on
Do you like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? You aren't alone, as many others do too. Are you a brony who uses GIO? Then this is the place for you.
I was walking down the street when a giant sandwich fell out of the sky and it horrified everyone.
I looked in terror, when all of the sudden a mechanized giant samurai warrior was seen rocketing straight for the giant sandwich and sliced it into small enough pieces to eat in 10 SECONDS FLAT. Then, the sandwich pieces started to glow an eerie green color and they transformed into an army of miniature ninja aliens.
The ninja aliens swarmed over the giant mechanical samurai warrior, tearing through the city when he suddenly revealed his secret attack: Warren Spector! Warren Spector used his incredible game designing powers and shot augmentations right at the citizens of the city. However, the citizens, already in terror, whined too much about the horrible camera and started attacking the samurai warrior too! The warrior fell to the ground, and he activated his self destruct sequence...
But then Tara Strong wakes up and laughs at the silly dream she just had. She logs on to twitter and decides to torture her followers by doing nothing for weeks. The whole world worried, so they sent their prophet, Warren Spector, to find out what happened to her. In a warehouse on the coast of western Hawaii, he expected to find Tara, but instead he found himself, only from the future. Now he must embark on a transdimensional journey with his other self to save the gaming industry from hordes of Angry Birds clones, but first he must master the ways of the Force! so he heads to Dagobah to receive his Jedi training from Yoda. But before he gets there his ship is attacked by mutated cyborg ewoks!
In the ensuing epic battle, Future Spector sacrifices himself so Present Spector can get away. After running low on fuel he crash lands on The Citadel in the middle of a battle against geth. All of a sudden Gabe Newell shows up and they realize they must gather an army of famed game developers to have a chance at winning this battle.
They first set off to find Dan Ryckert to craft the heretofore unfinished masterpiece "Air Force Gator." First, they needed something to trasport them to 2012 Minnesota so they went to get Shigeru Miyamoto, who uses his flying cap to bring Spector and Newell to Minnesota. After they get there, they notice a problem, though, that they are months behind the time that Dan will be back from E3. After pulling the Master Sword, they encounter another problem; that being SARAH KERRIGAN!!! She had massed up a swarm of Zerglings to take out the younger version of Spector, in order to remove the future one from ever existing.
Our heroes rush forward to attack her when Chuck Norris appears and wreaks havoc by staring Sarah and her Zerglings down and kills them all. Walking up to our heroes, Norris shoots a friendly smile and reaches out to Spector for a handshake. After Norris and Shigeru agree to come with them to the future, our heroes walk up to the Master Sword and pull it out of the pedestal. Instead of waking up four weeks later they wake up seven years later, where the reapers are getting an early take at destroying the world.
When all hope seems lost, Gabe Newell finally announces Half Life 3. The Reapers minds are blown, and humanity is safe again until they realize that Tara Strong is still missing even after all these years. All of her fans freak out, everyone else is fine - that is until they realize that she played roles in almost every nostalgic cartoon from, what 1995 to 2012 (when she got kidnapped). They put Warren Spector in front of the search again, this time with his crew Gabe Newell, Shigeru Miyamoto, and now Hideo Kojima.
Gabe betrays the team, and leaves them for dead in a sarlac pit. Just when all hope seems lost, Gilda swoops in and saves them all! Only they're still trapped in the wastes of Tatooine. Three days later, the team recruits American Mcgee, who became a bounty hunter on Tatooine while our heroes slept. Mcgee took them to a weapon shop where they found Notch and David jaffe, who join the party. They gear up, then go to recruit Dan who is in Montana with Gabe Newell freshly back from his trip to buy a new knife. They head back to the GI offices to think of ideas for Air Force Gator.*
*I had to edit some stuff here because s--- got seriously out of hand. My apologies to any hardcore fans of Thor's hammer.
Dan then tells the crew all of his ideas and they get hard to work on the game, thinking that it will grasp the attention of Tara Strong or her kidnappers, wherever they are. First thing they did was watch Transmorphers: Fall of Man on Netflix to get ideas for a script. Notch, not knowing what the hell a "script" is, gets angry and starts yelling at everyone that the game needs more simulated manual labour, at which point they buy a really really expensive camera, and get a random bodybuilder. They film him cleaning the toilet, and mowing the lawn, and flexing in odd positions. When he is done, they don't have any money to pay him with, so Glida, who rescued them earlier, kills the bodybuilder. The cops arrive on the scene and arrest the devs. They hire Phoenix Wright to be their attorney. In court, Phoenix Wright gets too excited when shouting OBJECTION!, and accidentally says it when the judge says they are innocent. The devs are taken to jail.
To bust them out, Shigeru Miyamoto makes some wacky contraption. Outside, their arch-nemesis Zynga challanges them to a battle. Luckily, Mray was there to help out by helping everyone, and it seemed like it would all get better until Rovio moble showed up and insulted everyone, saying they were better. Dovahkiin shows up, yells at everyone and leaves.
Warren Spector attempts to put everyones' ribcages back together. Newell's ribcage was covered with too much fat, so he had to suffer on with the pain. Walking in the desert all of the sudden a thresher maw kills Warren Spector in such a way to where he can never be brought back into the story.
Then Mray and Rainbow Dash meet and Mray dies of a heart attack. Then Rainbow Dash returns to Ponyville only to be confronted by a dragon! but not just any dragon, SPYRO! Spyro claims to be the fastest flyer on the planet, and challenges Dash to a race when suddenly Fluttershy comes in on a butterfly boom and engages in melee combat with Spyro, using her special forces skills. She cuts her hooves on Spryo's scales and exclaims "Lord Smooze will be pleased for the blood I have shed!"
And she calls forth an abomination from the sixth dimension and Pinkie Pie uses her gipsy magic to create a portal to Detroit. She throws the monster in and he is instantly gunned down. The Detroiters see Equestria as a new land and found "New Detroit" right next to Ponyville, but due to all the fighting and battles, the Wendigo's cause a huge blizzard that covers the world in snow and ice!
Equestria, now covered in ice, is doomed. However there is one that can save this land. His name is Tobacco Sauce*! Their first objective is to track down the final member of their unstoppable team, Kevin Butler! but sadly Kevin Butler is busy being awesome. They have to call Master Chief for help and he tries to teleport from another dimension, but instead Link hops out of the portal, and viciously throws random objects, yelling, "GIVE ME THE GODD**N MONEY YOU FREAKING JUGS!"
*It looks like Jack tried to bring Warren Spector back at this point, but the post was edited by mods. Just pretend there is an epic hero named Tobacco Sauce.
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan all come out of a Volkswagon beetle and kill Hideo Kojima and American Mcgee. To combat this, Ewok King uses a cell phone app to turn the VW into Bumblebee, who defeats all four of them. Spock and The Rock surrender, but BB kills The Rock as revenge for the Godawful DOOM movie. Spock joins the team, and tries to get this story back on track by mind-melding with Zoidberg. Naturally, he starts to freak out. This causes him to scuttle away, and he runs straight into Captain Kirk, who pukes with envy at Spock's popularity.
Together they start hunting the legendary Kraken at sea on whim when their ship runs right into CANDYLAND!! The caramel seas were growing too hard to navagate through, but a certain professor would come and help from the cotton hills just a short distance away his name was Warren Spector Junior.
He used his powers he inherited from his dad to clear whatever made the caramel seas hard to navigate through. Then when he finishes, the party kills him and dumps the useless body. Their ship soon sets land on a deserted desert island, where they find Roteps Nerraw.
They're now in a foreign country where everything is going backwards. Speaking, language, and time itself. It is here where they take note and try to learn from their past mistakes. There they meet Commander Shepard, who immediately turns into a german shepherd*. Suddenly, thousands of corgis rush in and, under the leadership of Commander German Shepard, plot to take over the world.
*This paragraph and the marked line in particular are heavily edited because Jack and Stranger insisted on having an in-story arguement over Jack's repeated references to Warren Spector. To avoid confusion, I will hensforth replace any reference to GI members with an already-established character. If anyone has a problem with this, be aware that I was originally going to replace them with the cast of Jersey Shore.
Tobacco Sauce stumbles back from the mass of corgis when all of the sudden Warren...
Comes to save him. Gabe Newall runs in with his new knife and gets into an epic battle against Thor and Mjolnir. With Tobacco and his rainboom baseball bat, Warren Beatty with his Academy Award, Kirk with his rich sauce and meaty toppings, and Gabe with his knife, they take on the enemies. They were beaten senseless despite their great efforts, so they used the Elements of Harmony as a counterattack. This causes Thor to surrender his godhood and retreat to star in Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods. It is a critical success.
Warren Beatty is sad he can't be in the movie, too.
So Joss lets him be in the movie*.
*This part and the next one were written about a month before the movie actually released.
Except people realize its Whedon and they give up on it ultimately leaving another one of his projects a stillborn. Warren then goes on to star in a pointless movie.
Whedon begins practicing black magic to bargain with evil spirits to force people to enjoy his movie. But his dabbling with the inter-dimensional rift allows for the evil spirits to flood our world. Faced with the consequences of his decisions, Whedon realizes that the only solution is to help Tim Burton make another Batman movie.
During his acceptance speech for his Academy Award, Bruce Willis spikes a conch shell to the ground and yells "All praise to almighty Pineapple!!!"*
*This is another one of those "s--- got out of hand" heavy edits.
Rosie O'Donnell is on a destructive spree and has already destroyed half of Detroit when the Detroit Lions rally after being fed up with never winning a Superbowl, so they leave the NFL to start a high class mercenary group and try to gain fame by stopping Rosie O'Donnel. They defeat her by using the forbidden play, but ALL OF THE SUDDEN SUPER GALAXY GURREN LAGANN COMES and Domon from G Gundam shows up and fights Gurren because they stole his style.
All the mech-battling seemed empty without a blaring rap/metal soundtrack, so the team hires Linkin Park's Mike Shinoda to write a song for the fight, but Lil Wayne interrupts Mike before he can finish. A wild Pikachu appears and electrocutes Lil Wayne's genitals so he can't think anymore, then Justin Bieber comes along to take over for Lil Wayne when the whole Iron Maiden band locks him in a cage and start singing their awesome songs to save the situation. Then a giant nuclear slug attacks the stage spreading its nuclear slime all over Iron Maiden and they all turn into zombies and start attacking people.
The Lone Wander walks down the hallway and says "GOOD EVENING, F---ERS!"
Then Delta squad bursts in and kills everyone. Sev shoots the Lone Wander in the head and the rest of the squad kills all the zombies. After Delta squad leaves, Doctor Who and John Rambo go back in time to stop the zombies from dying. Rambo guns down Delta Squad and becomes zombie king. The Doctor goes to find Batman in another dimension when...
Sarah Jessica Parker wakes up, realizing she had the strangest dream known to man.
And she still looks like a moose.
Suddenly, a Tyrannosaurus Rex smashes through the wall and carries Sarah Jessica Parker away while singing "Don't Stop Believin'" at the top of its lungs. And then there are ponies. Suddenly Discord appears and turns the T-rex into a mouse and SJP into a mule. And the ponies all begin to act like dogs, and opens a portal to the land of dreams,* out of which comes the party of heroes from Sarah's dream.
Spock immediately collapses from too much beef jerky. THEN THE BEEF JERKY ERUPTS OUT OF HIS STOMACH AS A FACE HUGGER AND RICK-ROLLS EVERYONE IN THE VICINITY. The heroes all have epileptic seizures and when STROBE LIGHTS DANCE ACROSS THE CEILING AND DUBSTEP KILLS JUSTIN BEIBER.
Cowboy ninjas attack Russia then Benny the Cow appears out of nowhere and is reunited with Carl the Butter Beater who likes to beat butter. Dan Ryckert has completely lost his mind, and he is dragged to a mental institution. When suddenly who should appear but Nolan North and in his best Nathan Drake voice he says "Come with me if you want to live!" But before they can escape, Dan jumps out of a bush with a katana and yells "BONZAI!!!!!!!!!!"
Then Jimmi Hendrix rose from his grave and started beating Dan with his guitar. But then A MIGHTY MORPHING POWER RANGER GLIDED DOWN TO GRAB HENDRIX BY HIS HAIR AND THREW HIM TO CHINA. Many festivals were held in honor of his suprise visit, but then a Django Unchained trailer was released and everyone couldnt stop watching it, until all of a sudden Cheezus appears and surprises everyone in the world, but some people start to realize that they are atheists and try to prove that he is fake.
The Manatees rise up, but then are distracted by Dolan Teh Duk and his squad of trolls come from the sky and kill Cheezus. Dolan Teh Duk attempts to make his escape, but everybody from the internet kills Dolan. Pokemon trainer Red comes and challenges Youngster Joey, and is easily beaten. Dolan comes back from the dead with the help of his friend Spoderman. They kill the Pokemon trainers, but are jumped by rabid Squirtles. Dolan and Spoderman die and someone gives the Pokemon trainers full revives.
Dolan is alive again somehow. He draws a giant spoon and begins massacring everyone who touches the almighty easy button until he dies permanantly and then Satan dances on his ashes. Suddenly Spoderman and Gooby come to avenge Dolan. They are blasted by a laser, making them invunerable, but no one is invulnerable to THE SECOND BAKING OF CHEEZUS who has come back for revenge. Spoderman and Gooby are killed again when all of a sudden Chuck Norris descends from the sky to do battle with THE SECOND BAKING, along with a wise old mage who speaks of a prophecy that says "In the turtle lands, a great Squirtle will destroy the earth."
Everything is fine until the Earth splits in two, creating casualties and accidents and from the gap arises Pac-Man, who thinks the world is a powerup so he summons the great squirtle to break it down to bite sized pieces. The world is doomed until Pac-Man swallows it whole to save it and then he s---s it out whole again and all is right and safe until a large vessel appears in the air, and plays "Call Me Maybe" on infinite loop. The world doomed again until Captain Jack Sparrow blows up the ship with a BFG, but he is backstabbed by a spy pretending to be Marcus Fenix. The spy is about to assassinate the president of the Mushroom Kingdom until Bruce Lee flies down and kicks the assassin so hard he dies on impact. Suddenly, his shadow clone appears and kills Bruce Lee.
The shadow clone is then revealed to be none other than Deadpool who proceeds to make 285,329 pancakes. When he is done, he throws them at Aang the Avatar, who just popped out of nowhere, coating him in a sticky, buttery, and delicious mess. Katara suddenly appears and scolds Aang for being such a moron. She yells "I used to be a idiot like you, but then i took an arrow to the knee!"
Samurai Applejack appears after being thrown in to reality by Aku and Discord and she draws her magic sword to defend her self from these Avatar varmints. They all realize the real enemy is not each other but the flying tacos randomly falling from the sky. At this point they decide to work together when the falling tacos become one huge deformed pony body, which begins to rampage across Gotham City. Then the Justice League shows up and Batman drops the Watchtower on it from orbit.
The Titans decide to take over world-protecting duties since most of the JLA died in the crash. Unfortunately, Nightwing decides to be an idiot and eat the remains of the Space Taco Pony, turning him into "Space Taco Nightwing Pony". Luckily, Godzilla falls in love with Space Taco Nightwing Pony and the two set off into space and settle down in a nice cozy cottage on the planet Jorbiff VII in Alpha Centauri and start a family of Giant Space Lizard Ninja Pony Tacos.
Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh retires and lets Mark Levine take over forever. However, on Levine's first day at work, Agent Mulder is killed by Marauder Shields, the final boss of Mass Effect 3, when suddenly Joss Whedon and Steven Moffat descend from the heavens, and obliterate Marauder Shields with their mighty Pens of Supermacy. Then all of a sudden Cheezus comes back again and kills everyone just cause he feels like it. However, the athiests, who have been hard at work convicing themselves that Cheezus doesn't really exist, win out in the end and Cheezus disappears in a puff of logic, which means the entire massacre was a hallucintation.
Whedon and Moffat were celebrating their victory by working on a script for Cabin in The Woods 2* when Samuel L. Jackson calls them to talk to about joining an elite team of awesome people called The Avengers. Whedon and Moffat join the Avengers to meet Stan Lee, who shoots them with a gun and says, "THIS IS MY TOWN BEEYOTCH!" when all of a sudden a mysterious person appears out of nowhere and says "I am Warren Spector, and I have come to reclaim this realm!"
*This part was written about three months after the movie was actually released.
Despite their gunshot wounds, the presence of Warren Spector forces Whedon and Moffat to stand up and applaud, then fall back over. Evil incarnations of Spector, Whedon, and Moffat appear, and the only way to destroy them is to be vanquished by the full-on power of Chuck Norris, who unmasks his hobo disguise and arrives to save the day with the help of David Tennant, also in hobo attire. Then Matt Smith appears out of nowhere and has the s--- promply beat out of him by Norris and Tennant. The Dynamic Hobo Duo then procedes to take two large keys from their pockets and the go to the Avengers' cryogenics chamber. They unlock it, and release a cryo-frozen Tara Strong. Now they are prepared to do battle against evil Spector, Whedon and Moffat. Then a spaceship crashes and out of it comes Ezio Auditore, who says the ship is one of Leonardo's new prototypes.
Turns out there was a long forgotten enemy that is about to wake up within the hour. The ancient evil turns out to be Atilla the Hun with space marine armour! Realizing this disturbance, Captain Kirk awakens from two days of meditative sleep and grabs his phaser. He then looks for assistance from none other than a feral rooster with the ability to make cardboard boxes. The feral rooster helps Kirk by throwing explosive hens at Atilla. Atilla blinks several times, then disipates into a pool of molten hens. As he sinks, he gives a thumbs up.
Meanwhile, in the epic fight of Chuck Norris, David Tennant, and Tara Strong VS Evil Warren Spector, Evil Joss Whedon, and Evil Steven Moffat, Evil Whedon uses SURPRISE SECONDARY CHARACTER DEATH, where he rolls a die to decide which person to kill off for shock value. The die lands on Stan Lee, who is still sitting in the back of the room. In the wake of his death, everyone screams at the top of their lungs "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Then Stan Lee comes back along with Batman and Commander Shepherd who start a kickline that magically kicks everyone in the room with magical rainbows of hardness, when all of a sudden Odin appears from the sky and yells "QUIT THAT RACKET, I'M TRYIN TO SLEEP!" Then all the good guys blasted the evil doppelgangers with thier invisible good guy guns.
However, Claire Redfield shows up to warn the good guys about the zombie apocalypse that is taking place. Our heroes spring into action when they are attacked by a group of zombies! As they are fighting the undead scourge off, Bruce Campbell hops in out of nowhere and instantly makes this story 200% more awesome. While Bruce is bashing in zombie skulls with his glorious chin of badassery, Warren Spector uses his "Poor Camera" superpower, so the zombies can no longer see where they are going. It leads them right into a furnace. And then something appears over the horizon...
It is the Slender Man riding on the Slendermare! The Slendermare starts to charge until everyone looks away and forgets what they just saw as the furnace explodes from all the dead flesh. Commander Shepard starts to eat the left over remains when they turn into colorful pancakes. Then the ground opens up and reveals the corpses of every Power Ranger. Lucky for Warren he used his Necronomican to rise them and used them to fight the Decepticons.
After he teleports to Cybertron, he finds out that the entire planet is actually an ancient Forerunner construct, and that the Transformers were created as its guardians. Unfortunately, the war between the Autobots and Decepticons has left the planet unprotected, and it has been taken over by the Covenant. While hiding from an Elite patrol, Warren finds the Master Chief, who accidentally teleported there after the heroes called for his help.
At the time, Master Chief was at work assembling scavenged Transformer parts into a giant robot Chief that turns into a Warthog. Chief tells Warren that he needs him to find some Energon to bring the robot(which he affectionately refers to as "Chieftimus Prime") online, but Warren has no clue what Energon actually looks like, so Chief leaves the makeshift garage to go find some himself.
Warren, while examining the robot, accidentally slips over a bit of liquid on the floor. He falls onto Chieftimus Prime and breaks it's leg off. He tries to repair it but since he is quite unfamiliar with both 26th century and Cybertonian technology, he fails miserably and quickly runs away in fear of Master Chief's wrath. He runs headlong into a group of Grunts, who proceed to fire wildly into the air and run away screaming. Warren picks up a dropped plasma pistol and makes his way to the Spaceship dock. He wants to get a ship to fly back to Earth and warn the Autobots there of this threat to the planet.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Superman prepares his speech for a cat he saved from a tree. This cat is the millionth person he saved, so he thought it was special. Batman watches in horror as he thinks Superman and truly gone insane. This causs Pinkie Pie to throw Superman a party. She didn't want anybody to be left out though, so she also invited the Heath Ledger Joker.
The party rolls on, but there are only a few snacks due to the short notice. Batman reaches for the last slice of cake the same time that The Joker does. Their hands touched, and they both glared at each-other. Superman joins the glare-party and toasts everyone with his laser eyes, Pinkie Pie steps in, asking what the hell happened, and then Lex Luthor walks in and Superman blames it on him. Lex walks over to the snack table and asks why Pinkie and Superman are staring at him.
A stranger tells him that Supes and Pinkie are stalker and watch Lex sleep, Lex is creeped out, so he punches Superman with his Kryptonite boxing gloves. This causes everyone to freak out and throw Lex out of the area. The stranger transforms into Discord and he begins knocking on doors, telling everyone about the great Jehovah, and handing out pamphlets. He goes over to the Apple Orchard and knocks on AJ's house. Superman, still weak from the Kryptonite, explains to Discord that no one ever wants any of those pamphlets. Discord retaliates by turning Superman into a bowl of soup.
Applejack opens the door and eats the Super-soup, then proceeds to fire laser beams from her eyes, growing a red cape on her back and saving the galaxy, Discord is terrifyed so he magically turns himself back into stone. SuperJack decides to take over as leader of the Justice League of Superfriends, but still can make an amazing apple pie. She's doing fine as leader, but Aquaman has had enough, and used his powers of telecommunication with fish to summon an army of Seaponies to take over everyone on the land. AJ calls the Justice League together, and they do battle with the Seaponies until the Justice League unveils their secret weapon: Water Horses.
The Seaponies retreat back into the ocean, were they proceed to terrorize the crew of Sealab 2021. The JLSF, who could care less about the crew of Sealab 2021, call it a win and head back to the Hall. They decide to kick back and spend the rest of the day playing World of Warcraft until the animated Burnie's from the Animated Rooster Teeth Podcast start a rebellion.
Realizing the horror that has just been unleashed, the JLSF contacted the Great Lake Avengers, who agree on one condition: That if the battle is made into a movie they want Joss Whedon to direct it so they will be as cool as the regular Avengers. Batman and SuperJack try to explain the whole thing that happened earlier with Joss to them when, with a sound like a hundred thousand awkward silences, a spaceship shoots out of slipspace directly over the Hall of Justice, and falls like a brick right through the roof.
The hatchway slowly opens, and a blinding light pours out, blinding everyone. As a figure steps out onto the ship's ramp, the light turns off revealing the bloody and battered form of Warren Spector. He tells Batman and SuperJack that he needs to get hold of the Autobots right away, but Batman says he has to try and figure out this Rooster Teeth situation first. Warren, who is quite sure that he is tired of this s---, grabs the phone from Batman and calls Rooster Teeth.
He proceeds to tell them about the day he has had.
The experience leaves the rebels so deeply exhausted that they surrender before he even gets to the bit about the Tyrannasaurus, which he rather looked forward to telling but he isn't too broken up about it. He then calls the Autobots and tells them about the Covenant, but Optimus Prime says he's aware of the situation and is working on a way to deal with it.
After taking a quick nap(or falling unconcious, the witnesses weren't completely sure), Warren makes his way back to Avengers HQ, where the party of heroes are cleaning up the mess left by Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell. Warren B-lines directly to Tara Strong and asks if she needs any more rescuing. She says no.
Warren Spector, finally finished with this ridiculous quest, turns and walks away, tripping and falling through a wormhole created by Odin's shouting. He falls backward through time and wakes up in a warehouse on the western coast of Hawaii, where he meets a past version of himself. Not much later, he decides he's had enough and throws himself in front of a hail of laser fire, dying instantly and, incidentally, saving his past self's life but leaving him to suffer an absolutely dreadful existence until his death by hail of laser fire.
No one has commented on this article.