The lights are on
Rarely do I play games that leave me absolutely speechless after I’ve
completed them. They either have to be really, really great…or really,
really bad. Ride to Hell: Retribution is really, really, really
abysmal. When I finished it I felt as if I had committed a crime. It’s
the least, dumbest, emptiest game I’ve played in quite some time.
Is centering a game around the biker culture of the 1960s a good
idea? I suppose so. Rockstar could take that idea and turn it into
something great. Eutechnyx has not done so with Ride to Hell. Not
one single scene in the game can be taken seriously thanks to a
combination of technical issues and unbelievably terrible writing. This
is a story in which women respond to a man assisting them with sex every
time. It’s embarrassing.
Jake Conway is one of the worst protagonists from any form of
entertainment in history. He is supposed to be a hero, but he’s an awful
human being, responding to violence with even worse violence. He
murders cops, sells drugs and treats every woman he comes across like a
sex object. His haircut is awful. His hands are bigger than his face. He
sucks more than a black hole.
Not one single thing about Ride to Hell is fun. I would
describe the driving sequences as “getting from point A to point B”,
except there is no point B. They consist of driving until a loading
screen pops up. Oh, and there’s some button-tapping also. Tap a button
repeatedly to knock an enemy off a motorcycle. Yippee.
Well, how about the racing? This is a motorcycle game, so it must
have some racing in it, right? It does, and it’s like diarrhea racing
out of Jabba the Hutt’s ass after he consumed 25 million
jalapeño peppers. The racing missions are incredibly easy if the
controls are functioning properly and merely irritating if not. At least
one of the opponent AIs wrecked during every race and exploded (that’s
right, exploded), dying and making the missions even easier.
There’s some combat, right? Ride to Hell was originally an
open-world game before it was cancelled in 2009 (I miss 2009), so yes.
Get ready to be bored. Prepare yourself for tedious button-mashing
against enemy after enemy after enemy. Pray that your punches actually
connect. Do you like quicktime events? Then you’ll still hate Ride to Hell, which is filled with them.
I can’t remember having experienced worst gunplay in a game in years.
Jake frequently dies after two shots from a pistol, yet is a bullet
sponge for shotguns. Ride to Hell encourages sticking to cover,
but it’s pointless since the enemy AI is considered royalty on Planet
Terrible Enemy AI. They run around spouting lines like, “Two words: f@#%
you!” and shooting at nothingness (like in the picture above). I scored
headshots easily on nearly every enemy I came across. The game’s
attempts at being “challenging” by causing Jake to inexplicably die
every now and then are just hilarious.
Ride to Hell is literally one of the worst looking
games of this generation. The level design can’t be described as
“boring”. It’s an insult to boring level design. It can, however, be
described as “brown” because it sure is brown. Brown everywhere. Brown
on the buildings. Brown on the characters. Brown.
The brown surfaces often lack any sort of textures. The brown
character designs are hideous, with characters having brown hands and
brown boobs that are larger than brown Christmas hams. More bugs exist
in Ride to Hell than in the world’s largest brownie that’s been
sitting in a brown swamp for three weeks. Jake’s motorcycle often falls
right through the brown environments, and then I saw a lot of blue.
Ride to Hell froze on me over 20 times. It got to the point
where it was unbearable and I almost just stopped playing it. It
happened so many damn times that I expected each and every brown loading
screen to never go away, requiring me to restart my console. Hey, at
least I know the power button on my Xbox 360 works.
The brown cutscenes inspire the kind of laughter that other, more
intentionally funny games only dream of. The facial animations are
hideous. Most of the time the only part of the characters’ faces that
moves is their mouth. Their faces display less emotion than Joan
Rivers’. During sex scenes characters remain fully clothed, which is,
not to sound perverted, inexcusable, and a sign of complete laziness on
the part of the developers. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed more than I
did during a scene in Ride to Hell in which two characters are shown humping while they’re both wearing pants.
Don’t even get me started on the voice acting. I truly believe the
developers went to a middle school and grabbed a bunch of teenagers and
said, “We’re making a game, and we’ll pay you all $5 each to be in it!
Now, try to talk like an adult!” The acting isn’t even worthy of a
Razzie Award. It doesn’t deserve any kind of an award. The actors
deserve to never act again.
Rock music blasts in every level because OH YEAH, LOUD ROCK MUSIC!
THIS GAME IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW! Not one bit of thought or effort was
put into creating Ride to Hell‘s soundtrack. Imagine listening
to the menu music of a WWE game for 10 hours while sometimes taking a
break. Imagine bashing yourself over the head with a frying pan while
watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and walking through a landfill full of aluminum cans.
Ride to Hell: Retribution shouldn’t have been released. It’s
the kind of game that makes the entire video game industry look bad.
Games shouldn’t be like this in 2013. There’s no excuse for this crap.
It’s one of the worst games I’ve ever played. I…God. GOD, it’s so bad.
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