A new low for ARPGs, a new low for PC gaming. A poem and review by Spinsle McGee - User Reviews - www.GameInformer.com
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A new low for ARPGs, a new low for PC gaming. A poem and review by Spinsle McGee

O, beloved Diablo

You have returned to my screen.

10 long years of promise

and the removal of the skill tree


No longer can I make my own character

the progression is too lame

everything is done for me

and that's a *** shame


I would love to play you

but that just cannot happen

when there is nothing to you

just items and nothing random


Farewell Blizzard

you now focus on greed

removing skills for items

to make money you do not need

 

Well, we are finally here at last, Blizzard. This may as well be my final moment with you, so hear me out. I once loved you, but those days are now long gone. You came into my heart with Diablo and that very same part of you is why it's over.

Well, let's begin with exactly what you did that is so damn wrong. As soon as I was finally able to play the open beta weekend, after waiting 24 hours for the servers to stop being as terrible, I knew something was fishy. The game just doesn't feel like Diablo or its sequel, not a single bit. The only common things are the name, style, interface, viewpoint and the health and mana/whatever they decided to replace it with globes. That's about it. All of the other aspects that really defined the series for me are now gone. No longer are skill trees and stat allocation present, effectively reducing the role that you play down to the preconfigured five that the developers force you to pick. This linear progression system also goes in line with the absolute removal of procedurally generated land and dungeons, one of the absolute defining factors of the series.

One of the questions I have had since I had the misfortune to lay hands on this was "why?"

Why did you have to dumb to game down to the point that it is just not even satisfying to play, Blizzard? Since you won't seem to answer quickly, I'll just assume. You want the braindead WoW kiddies to play within their mega-casual comfort zone, so you made version of that game in Diablo's universe. As with that dreadful MMO, the only difference between the different playthroughs are items that your character has. That's it. You're only going to replay the game to get better items. But why, why would you ever do that to my beloved semi-roguelike? I know just the reason. The auction house.

It seems as if the entire game was designed around the item drops, and selling them on the auction house, to the point where people who only want to play a single-player game are being downright punished if they even want to consider playing. Anti-consumerist measures like these are leading to the death of PC gaming. I'm a person who wants to play the game all by myself, without the notion of ever going online to sell the items that are mine, but I can't because Blizzard wants to make even more money off of the people who play this. Even though I am never going to touch the multiplayer or social options, I am still being forced to log into a service that I'm never going to use, and the game will prevent me from playing as it pleases. This is a practice that should be punishable by law. If Blizzard seriously wants people to not cheat for items to sell on the auction house, then they should have a separate executable with characters that will not be allowed to go online. All of this nonsense should not be used when one is in the pursuit of greed, especially since the company has so much money from some MMO game that is just as awful as this.

The only thing I can really compliment this game on are the sound effects. They're just as I expect them to be in a Diablo game, but they get too damn loud most of the time.

So this, this game is the final straw between Blizzard and I. It's been a good long road, but all roads have to end somewhere.

RIP BLIZARD I WIL PLAY DIS TORCHLIGHT II IN UR MAMRY BRO

Comments
  • Bravo, sir. This review exemplifies everything I disdain about Diablo III. I absolutely regret spending a single dollar on it.

  • You troll and all trolls should just keep their mouths shut about Diablo because I am tired of people complaining about the online service.
  • Stop complaining about the online service, they fixed it, you got butthurt on the first day because you couldn't log in, get over it. This game rocks.
  • RIP Diablo.  May thou RIP

  • As soon as I was finally able to read the review, after waiting what felt like 24 hours of reading that terrible poem, I knew something was fishy...

    Once again, a person who didn't even play the game thinks they can write a review. I'm starting to see a trend of these troll diaries that people are calling reviews. I can tell by your "nothing random" comment that that's the case here. Newsflash. A beta is not a completed game. That's why it's called a beta. Not only did you only play the beta, but you didn't even play THAT long enough to realize that it's still randomly generated. Maybe if you had played more than 10 minutes of the beta, you would have caught on to that, instead of just assuming there was something there for you to hate.

    There are certain areas of the game, such as the towns, and some roads that are always the same, but that's how Diablo 2 was, too. The VAST majority of the game is randomly generated. Not only are the maps and enemies randomly generated, but once you get past normal mode enemies start having randomly generated abilities and modifiers. There are even random enemies on the random maps, that have random skill modifiers, that randomly drop entrances to randomly generated dungeons.

    As for all of your server complaints, maybe you should stop finding your opinions on forums and check the facts instead, because there hasn't been an issue with the servers crashing since the day after launch. Someone who has played the game a reasonable amount since it launched would know that. I agree I don't like the always online thing, but I'm not going to lie to make it look worse than it is.

    Your auction house complaints also fall short because there are two different auction houses. One of them uses in-game money, and one of them uses real money. The use of either one of them is completely at the discretion of the player. You don't have to use either of them if you don't want to. Also, why shouldn't Blizz make money off of real money AH sales? Its someone selling an item that Blizzard created, on Blizzard's system, to another Blizzard customer. That's why they get money. Do you complain when eBay takes a cut of the money from a sale? If you do, you shouldn't, because they took the time and spent the money to create an online system for P2P transactions, and they should be compensated for people using their system. If items weren't getting sold on the Diablo AH, people would just sell them on eBay. A service which is clearly less deserving of the money.

    Here's what you do. Actually play the game through and get yourself into Nightmare mode. You'll realize that it's a lot more complicated than you think. Then move on to Hell mode, and complain about it being too easy while you're getting TROUNCED because you have no clue how to play your class. Then come on here and write an apology review and explain to everyone how you formed your entire opinion of this game off of one playthrough of the open beta and what you've heard online. Then explain how your idea of the game falling into your "mega casual comfort zone" was completely wrong. Seriously, it's laughable that you're complaining that the very beginning of the easiest difficulty on the game is too easy. Of course it is. It's a video game. It was the same way in the other Diablo games, too.

    You may not like it. You may disagree with some of the changes made to the gameplay. But, to say that this game is so horrible that it should score less than 1 point on a scale of 1 to 10 makes you look like an idiot. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it because based on the fact that you gave this game a 0.75, and you titled this review with "A new low for PC gaming", when it is clearly a very well made video game, you come off as an idiot to me, and probably a lot of other people.

    I think I'm going to sit down tonight and write a legitimate review of Diablo 3. You know, seeing as I've actually played the game for more than 15 minutes so I could form an actual opinion about it, instead of spewing the same complaints I've been reading from everyone else on the internet. It's sure not a perfect game, but I'm tired of reading these joke reviews from people who haven't even played the game or who are going to complain no matter how good the game is, even if they did play it.

    P.S. If you're going to write a poem to bash a game that you haven't even played, you could at least take the time to come up with a better one than that.
  • Brony troll. 0.75 means the game doesn't work. It does, and very well at that. PONY PONY PONY DWAAAAH
  • Hey haters going to hate play the game or not a lot of people are enjoying it Yolo b*tch.
  • So you place this "poem" like writing an epic song to a beloved, then you try to make a review as if you were serious even trying to analyze and review the game...

    Then you place a 0.x review, showing that all before was a lie... So in reality you don't try to value the goods and the bads, you don't try to see the other side at all or on how the game can be better with some of the options they made.

    In reality your text is just a wall of have because you disagree with the some design choices... So you say that the game is not the same:

    "only common things are the name, style, interface, viewpoint and the health and mana/whatever they decided to replace it with globes"

    So for you what defined Diablo was the rest... the skill tree, the stats points, and the procedure generated terrain (isn't it still the same now)...

    So I wonder who failed to catch the essence of diablo... when I was playing, the worst thing the game had was the talent trees and stats points... It was pointless, unbalanced and ridiculously limiting...

    So, ok, we all understand that D3 ARE NOT D2 the same, so we understand that changes were made... Else we would have D2 again...

    What you failed to explain is why it is worse now!! why the lame static skills you could select plus a few static increases on hp/mana/str...

    For me its better!! A LOT! First you have more skills! HEY some more complexity! plus you have A LOT MORE skill (defensive, offensive and CDs) MANY MORE actually, plus a lot of runes that can use to improve them or customize them.

    The most stupid thing about diablo was that you had to choose the skills and the points, before you even try them or get to experience it... then you were locked and cant change them at all...

    D3 brings love to your char, you choose your skills you choose the gameplay, you pick how you play from how you enjoy it the most and not on how you are forced by your previous decisions.

    Its fun, you can make different builds try them and improve.

    Plus PVP is coming soon(TM) and you will definitely see the need for changing talents then..

    ANW,I'm having a lot of fun playing co-op! and can't really say I have any feelings on "this is not diablo" It totally feels like it, just improved, just more fun and more co-op!

    I feel compeled to play better, to get better gear, to get more achivements, to try all difficulties, to replay the game again and again. On D2 I played it once that used a trainer to make my items and to play with coallegues, but it wasn't even 10% as fun as now... Only later when I made a bnet char the game became memorable.

  • Retarded score is retarded. Anyways thanks, the score you gave has saved me wasting time reading your review. :)