The lights are on
Average Guy-"That guy in the corner,he's not,happy,because to be happy you need to pay the extra 'Happy Tax' put in by the government this year.What are they going to tax next?"
Congress-"What about the carbon footprint put on the earth while you breathe?"
Average Guy-"Why not?"
I'm the Mother Flippin'....
This is a little exchange I had with my friend's Tito and Justin earlier today while talking about a girl named Alli.
Me: "I'm pretty sure her name is Alli."
Justin: "It's spelled A-L-L-I, right?"
Me: "Yes."
Justin: "Isn't that the name of that weight loss supplement..?"
Tito: "Yeah. And it's obviously not working."
Trying to help a user on their computer. First call comes in this morning:
me: helpdesk (insert first name)
user: my computer is not working
me: ok is the computer on? i can't remote to it.
user: "laughs then hangs up on phone"
People Suck
Dan: Heroin, Michael? You can't even spell it and you're shooting it into your arm?
Michael: Well I can't spell windex but that doesn't stop me
My friend Kris helping my brother Carter with vocabulary.
Carter: "What does 'baleful' mean?"
Kris: "Threatening harm, evil, sinister.."
Me: "Wow. Fast answer. How'd you know that..?"
Kris: "That word was created just to be the epitome of Christian Bale."
This quote is kinda messed up but it made me laugh a little when I read it:
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"You really need to stop with the vulgarity" - Nub
"*** ***: - Chf
The Portland airport WiFi service is infuriating - Myself, at this very moment in time.
You should read my Blog. This week: once again, a Poetry JAM!
Me, after a snowball fight gone terribly wrong: "Look, i'm really sorry about the bloody nose, but when you do get one, don't stand there on the front steps"
My brother: "Why not"
Me: "Look, the blood froze to the steps. We're going to look like a bunch of psychopaths now until we find a way to melt the ice."
My brother: "Oh...hey...I'll go get some salt."
During the Wii's console cycle, only 2 games got a perfect score from GI. Both were Zelda games.
gg, Nintendo. gg.
The Animus wrote:
That's Jack Handey, right? He's one of the best people to quote. He's full of stuff like that.
“If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
...in the shower.
"Why don't you un-zip the side of your head and let some fun come out?" - My father to my mother when she refused to ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point.
Bodybuilder-"You need MSG?Just eat my Chinese food."
Hobo-"I need five dollars."
Street Walker-"For what?"
Hobo-"To buy a stock in E*Trade,to bail myself out."
Random Person-"How does it feel when you die?"
Other Random Person-"Just Ask Amy.She knows the answer."
My friend Dan: "Only you and your dad would somehow start a discussion on rap music and then somehow have it end with fascism"