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Well, this has been a fun journey. 31/31
3 has been one of the most fun things I’ve ever done on the website, but this
is easily my favorite entry of my 31/31. Destroyer and I have been
communicating pretty much every day of this event, and we figured that we
should collaborate on something.
As you probably know already (and my
hero image made it obvious), I’m a brony. Destroyer knows of my random pony
related rants over steam, and he usually counters by telling me about Zero
Escape: Virtues Last Reward. So we figured we should talk about a crossover.
So today, I’m giving the brony
perspective of one of the most… interesting fanfictions on the internet. I’m
not going to critique the writing or grammar, just my insane ramblings about
continuity. If you want to see the fic from the perspective of a ZE fan, then I
recommend you take a look at Destroyer’s review.
My critique will be in italics, and it
will be one of the most insanely nerdy things you’ve ever seen. You’ve been
*WACK* “OOOOWWWW” I screamed as I woke up. With my
head throbbing I looked around the room. “Wh-Where am I?” It looked as if I was
in some kind of cabin. I was sitting on the bottom bunk in a bunk bed. In the
room there were some boxes and barrels. There was a clock that looked to only
have a minute hand, a desk with a piece of paper on it, a mirror, and a door
with a big number 3 on it. I sat up and walked over to the desk. I picked up
the paper and started reading it.
there! And welcome to my kingdom! Now I bet you’re wondering why you are here?
Well I’ll get to that a little later. Right now I have a game for you to play!
All you have to do is find a way out of this room! Easy right!
Yep. It’s later revealed she’s a powerful unicorn. She
can just teleport out.
just to make it a little harder for you. You will have 30 minutes from the time
you stepped down from the bed to escape. So I’d better get moving! Because if
you don’t get out in time… well it’s not going to be good.”
Or use your teleportation magic. It really is that
looked up at the clock with the minute hand. It looked as if the hand was
in-between the 6 and the 5. “28 minutes” I said to myself. I quickly looked at
the door with the 3 on it. I saw that there were 3 rectangle card readers next
to it. Was this the key to opening the door? If so then where are the cards? I
looked around the room for a good 10 minutes before I finally found some cards
in a box near the far corner of the room. I spread the cards out on the floor.
All the cards were numbered 1-9 but the number 3 card was missing. I looked
over at the door and back to the cards. “How am I supposed to know what cards
to use?” I asked myself. I looked around the room and found some writing on the
wall. “1+6+9=7” I had no idea what this meant.
I don’t either. Destroyer, help me out with this one.
know that 1+6+9=16 not 7. I pondered over the problem over and over in my head.
“How could 1+6+9=7? 1+6+9=16… 1+6=7 but not 1+6+9. … wait a minute. 1+6+9=16….
1+6=7. 1+6=7!” I finally figured it out. I looked up at the clock. The hand was
on the 2. “10 minutes left.” I ran over to the door with the cards in hoof.
No need to. You’re a unicorn. Levitate them.
“Now let’s see. 2+4+6=12 1+2=3!” I grabbed the
2, 4, and 6 cards and placed them on the card readers. I green light turned on.
Destroyer, I swear you better have a good reason for this
insane puzzle to exist.
I yelled. Another box that was next to the
door opened. It had a number 3 inside a heart. My heart dropped. “There was no
number 3 card anywhere. I looked around the whole room and only found those
cards.” I wanted to cry. I went over to the mirror on the wall. I looked at
myself. “What do I do now?” I looked at the clock. “6 minutes.” I sighed and
looked back at the mirror. My eyes were turning red, my mane was getting messed
…Destroyer better have a good explanation for this
insanity. Because as it stands, Zero Escape sounds really dumb.
No. Not what the hell. Ponies have no concept of hell,
considering they have tartarus instead of hell. Also: They say Hay in the show instead
of heck or hell. Two strikes in just one line.
looked closer at the mirror. There was a necklace around my neck. It was very
tight around my neck. There was no way to pull it off, and no clamp either.
There was something hanging from the necklace too. It looked like a heart. The
heart had a 3 on it. It was red and said “solo” under the 3. “How did I not see
Good question. I doubt a unicorn couldn’t feel a
necklace, especially considering that the main cast of the show wear necklaces
as magical weapons.
ran over to the box. “How do I take this thing off?”
You’re a unicorn. Levitate it off. Or blast it off with a
laser. Or a fireball. Or just teleport out of it.
pulled on the heart and pulled out with a string attached to it. I placed the
heart on the box and a second green light came on and the door opened. “OH THAK
YOU!” I yelled. The heart zipped strait back to the center of my necklace. I
immediately ran out the door.
Or you could’ve teleported out. Also, ponies don’t run.
They don’t have feet. They gallop.
found myself in some kind of hallway. A very long hallway with lots of doors. I
ran down the hallway checking every door along the way, but none of them would
open. As I was trying all of the doors I tried to remember how I got here, who
could have taken my, and why they would want to take me. Then I realized
something. “I… I don’t remember anything. How I got here, who brought me here,
not even where I live or what my name is!”
…Just now? Really?
tried to go through my head to remember anything about my past life, but I
could only find one thing. Only one memory of my past life.
was in some kind of library.
I think it would be less obvious if she just yelled out
“I’m Twilight Sparkle!” For those of you who don’t know, Twilight Sparkle is a
main character who runs a library. And the only character who runs a library.
I was sorting
out the books and putting them back on the shelves. Maybe I was some kind of
librarian. There was somepony else with me too.
I wish I could see Destroyer’s face right now as he
realizes that My Little Pony replaces ‘Somebody’ with ‘Somepony’.
I couldn’t really make out what they looked
like, but I knew they were there. “Oh crap I totally forgot!” The pony screamed.
“I got to go!” “What did you forget?” I asked the pony. “Oh it’s this really
really REALLY big thing. I’ll tell you about it later I gotta run. Later!”
Judging by the speech patterns, that’s Pinkie Pie. She’s
also one of the most innocent members of the group, and probably the least
likely to say crap. Next to fluttershy or something.
And with that she ran out the door. I
continued placing the book on the shelves when suddenly I hear a window crash.
I turned around to see a can lying on the floor. I walk up to it and it starts
spraying some kind of gas in my face. I fall to the ground and start feeling
really dizzy. All I see is what looks like a pony with a gasmask on staring at
So it’s that Hazmat suit pony from the Cutie Pox episode?
That’s your big villain? Because no other ponies own gas masks.
Before I could
say anything I pass out.
Yeah… I doubt Twilight Sparkle would just ‘get dizzy’ and
fall down. As the show’s clearly established, ponies can get dizzy all they
want and nothing really happens.
that the day I was kidnapped? Why was I kidnapped? Who was that other pony with
It was probably Pinkie Pie.
questions went through my head. I was interrupted by somepony yelling from the
other end of the hallway.
There’s that word again.
there!” I turned around to see a white unicorn staring at me. She had a purple
So you got Rarity in this thing too? Don’t try to say
it’s not Rarity fic, that’s Rarity.
She had a necklace too, but hers had a blue 3
on it and said “solo” “Do you have any idea what’s going on?” “I’m not sure.” I
replied to the other pony. I told the unicorn about how I escaped from my room.
“Well that about the same thing that I went through.” She looked around the
hall. “Do you think that anypony else is here?”
I’m sure Destroyer is currently slamming his head on his
desk upon seeing that word.
And as if on cue
we heard a high pitched from down the hall. “Well I guess that answers your
question.” The screaming got louder and louder. All we could see was a big
yellow and pink blob fly past us.
Fluttershy’s fat now? Because that’s totally build up for
We looked at each other in confusion.
Following that was the sound of rushing water. We looked down the hall to see a
huge wave coming toward us.
So you and Rarity should just teleport to the end of the
both screamed and ran down the hall.
the end of the hall we saw a big double door. We struggled to open it but just
managed to get it open and close it before the water reached us. Unbelievably
the door held the water in the long hallway. We were both gasping for air. “I…
can believe… we… made it.” I said trying to catch my breath. “Well… I guess
that makes 9 then.” We both looked up to see 7 other ponies looking at us. So
many questions ran through my mind. But one stood out the most. “What the hell
is going on here!?”
It’s HAY! I thought I said that already!
The nine of use
stood in what looked to be a ball room of some kind. "Okay let me get this
straight. We have all been kidnapped by some crazy psychopathy and he is
forcing use to play some kind of game." The other eight nodded their
heads. "And we have all lost our memories." "Look we've already
gone over this!" An orange earth pony stated.
"We need to stop sitting around and try
to get out of here." "But we've already tried to find a way
out!" Replied a yellow pegasus.
"All of the
doors are locked! The only doors that could possibly be opened are those weird
colored doors and their locked too!" I looked over at the colored doors.
There were three of them right next to each other. One was magenta, one was
cyan, and one was yellow. They all have these small boxes next to them that
said "LOCKED" in big red letters. "Unless we can find a way to
brake down one of those doors we're going nowhere."
These unicorns know magic missiles. Let them blow it to
Before she was even done speaking the orange
pony was at the yellow door trying to bust it down. "It's a metal door!
There is no way you're going to brake it down!"
Applejack can break metal. She’s done it before, and she
can do it again.
could at least try! We got nothing better to do."
I was about to
say something but I could see out of the corner of my eye that a TV had turned
They shouldn’t know what a TV is. There is no such thing
as a TV in equestria. They still use projectors.
has that been on?" The others looked at the TV. There was nothing but
static on the TV. I walked closer to it and I could hear what sounded like
Every time I see that word I’m just going to have a
Family Guy style cutaway to The Destroyer screaming in frustration.
I stopped walking but the laughing kept
getting louder and louder. The static faded to show a young mare, no older then
16, sitting in a pure white with her back to us laughing. After a few seconds
she stopped. She stood up and turned around. She was a grey pegasus with a dark
blue mane and red eyes, around her eyes were these black circles.
This matches no description of any pony in the show. So,
this must be an OC or something.
she said. "It looks like everypony is finally here!"
Cutaway to destroyer.
she giggled. "Now that everypony is here
we can finally start the game!"
she started to
jump up and down in excitement. A cyan pegasus stepped in front of the TV.
"Okay! What the hell is going on here? I want answers. Now!"
Hello obvious Rainbow Dash, I can’t wait to see how the
fic ruins your character. What’s that, were you dizzy from the gas as well?
Funny, because you trained with a machine created to make you as dizzy as
possible and you didn’t even fly off course. And then hell again, but I’ll let
it slip because out of the main cast, Rainbow Dash would be the most likely to
"Well no need to be rude." "Oh.
I'M being rude! You're the one who kidnapped us and are forcing us to play in
this dumb game! What is this game anyway?!" The mare on the TV just rolled
her eyes. "Look I'm getting to that okay. So why don't you sit your pretty
butt down why I explain okay!" The cyan pony just grumbled and the gray
At least she’s in character?
my name is Zip. And I am the Game Master of this game."
I don’t think Zip is a character in Zero Escape, and I’m
100% sure Zip isn’t a pony in the show or comics.
A blue unicorn spoke up. "Um... what do
you mean by 'Game Master'?"
It’s Trixie, isn’t it. That pony’s totally Trixie.
the one who will be watching over all of you to make sure everything goes as
planed and no pony tries to brake the rules." We all just looked at each
other. "Okay. I think it would be easier for all of us if I start from the
beginning. Well all of you are here to take part in a game called The Nonary
Game!" little fireworks went off in the background when she said 'The
Nonary Game'. "The Nonary Game?" a dark blue alicorn said.
…no. They’re not doing this. There are only four alicorns
in the show, one is pink, one is purple, one is white, and the other is blue.
The white and blue ones are Celestia and Luna, and they’re immortal godlike
beings who rule over the sun and moon. Luna could just drown Zip right now by shifting
the moon a bit and creating a Tsunami. She also couldn’t get knocked out by
Nonary Game. The goal of The Nonary Game is to open the number nine door and
escape." "Number nine door?" I asked. "Where is that?"
"It's right behind you." We all turned around to see a giant door
with a number nine on it. "Oh... yea... that number nine door."
"Well how do we open it?" the white unicorn from earlier said.
"Well to open it you need to have your HP reach nine or higher."
"HP? What the hell is HP?"
I believe Rarity would be more dignified than to swear,
because that’s part of her personality. Also, it’s Hay.
you all need to stop asking questions like now! I promise I'll explain
everything just stop asking questions."
HP also know as Heart Points is indicated by the number on your necklace. Also
the necklaces indicate what color you are and if you are a pair or solo. I'll
get to those things later for now I would like everypony to look on the back of
their necklaces for your name assignments."
Insert another cutaway to the destroyer here.
We all looked at each other. "Name
assignments?" We all asked. "... YES! You r name assignments! I think
it would be hard for all of you to try and talk to each other without knowing
each other's names since you all lost your memories. So I thought I would help
you by making some names up myself. Now don't worry their not stupid or
Spoiler warning: They totally are.
We all looked
down at our necklaces.
It was true that
on the back of each of the necklaces were names for each of us. My name was
No. It’s Twilight. A nerdy unicorn who studies under
Celestia herself and works at a library. You’re also friends with nearly everypony
in the room.
I said it this time Destroyer, this is your cue.
The white unicorn I saw earlier was named Gem.
You mean Rarity? The manipulative artist who always
presents herself to be proper?
The orange earth
pony was named Peach.
Applejack. The tough earth pony that farms apples and is
the most mature and level headed out of the main group.
The white alicorn
was named Blaze.
Celestia. An immortal godlike ruler who controls the sun.
The blue alicorn
was named Crescent.
I already talked about Luna, no need to copy and paste
The cyan pegasus was named Rush.
Rainbow Dash. The hot-headed, arrogant, brash,
trash-talking Pegasus who has a soft side. She’s the most relatable and overall
best written character in the show, so I can’t wait for the writer to
completely ruin her.
The blue unicorn
was named Mirage.
Trixie. A traveling magician who once enslaved ponyville
and banished Twilight Sparkle. She’s even more drunk off her own ego than
Rainbow Dash is.
pegasus was named Coy.
Fluttershy. Her name basically sums her personality up.
And the pink earth pony was named Coral.
Pinkie Pie. The party-loving, borderline insane earth
pony who can break the fourth wall and the laws of physics itself.
Why did I describe this all to you? Because they should
have their distinct personalities that are the main reason to ever watch the
show, not all be boring blank slates that are impossible to tell apart from
each other. On top of that, unless it’s something in the games, why do they
need fake names? There are not enough curses in Silurian, Klingonese, Hylian,
Simish, Dragonborn, or Elvish languages to describe my frustration with this.
"Great now that we got that out of the way we can continue.
"Now how do
you get more HP? By playing in the ambidex game. But you can call it the AB
game. Well... we'll get to that when it's time to play the AB game. Now I bet
you're wondering where do you go from here? Well you see those colored doors
over there?" We all looked over at the three colored doors. "Those are
called chromatic doors or CDs. You must enter one and beat the puzzle inside to
move to the AB game. How do you know who goes into what door? Well that's where
the colors on your necklaces come in. Only certain colors can go into certain
doors. Here's how the doors work." A graph showed up on the TV.
Blue + Red =
Green + Blue =
Red + Green =
Blue + Blue =
Red + Red = Cyan
Green + Green =
I’m sure Destroyer is ranting about this right now, but
I’m just sitting here scratching my head, wondering when the characters won’t
be boring anymore.
next to the graph. "Okay! So the words on the left here are the different
colored necklace pairs there are. And the words on the right are what door each
pair can go into. So does everypony get this?
1-No. I don’t understand a single thing.
2-I’m done counting how many times Destroyer’s raging.
Good! Let's more
on." The graph disappeared leaving only Zip on the TV. "Now only
three ponies can enter a CD at a time. That is where the pair and solos come
in. Pairs must go into a CD with a solo and solos must go with a pair. If you
are a pair you must enter the same CD as your other pair. Solos can enter any
door they want as long as it is with the corresponding pair. So for example
let's say that a red solo wants to go into the yellow door. Well they they have
to pair up with the two ponies that are the green pair to enter that door. See
how simple this is!" We all looked at each other. "Ummm..." Coy
said. "This isn't simple at all."
Fluttershy speaks the truth.
"Well don't look at me I didn't make the
rules to this."
Wait, aren’t you the Game Master?
"Wait!" Rush screamed. "I
thought you were 'Game Master' or something like that!"
And that’s why Rainbow Dash is the most relatable
"Well yea I
am but like I said I'm only here to make sure everything goes as planed. That
does mean I made this whole thing! Trust me do you know how hard it is to
memorize all of these rules! I was studying them for weeks!" "Wait!
So then who made this up?"
I’m going to pretend like I know who said that, but they
don’t put paragraphs between their dialogue so I honestly have no clue.
"Oh! That's Zero!" "Well then
Eh, I’m just going to say it’s Rainbow Dash and make
another joke about how relatable she is. This is truly cutting-edge reviewing,
She just smiled
and turned around. "Oh I'm sure you've met them already today." Rush
backed up from the TV. "But we haven't seen anypony else but you
today." Zip turned back around. "... Are you sure about that?" I
looked around at everypony. I wasn't sure what she meant by that. But then it
hit me. "You don't mean that... one of us..." "DING DING DING!
We have a winner!" My stomach dropped. "So one of us is the pony that
brought us here. The one who made this whole game."
Trixie did it. I’m calling it now folks. Or, if the
writer really want to anger me, he will just have Rainbow Dash be the mustache
twirling villain at the end.
right! But don't worry. I wont spoil who it is or anything!"
alarm sounded BEEP BEEP BEEP "Chromatic Doors are
opening." There was the sound of moving mettle and just like it said all
three Chromatic Doors were opened. "Chromatic Doors are open. Five minutes
Until Chromatic Doors close." Zip put one of her hooves on her face.
"Oh my! We have seemed to have run out of time! Well before I go I'll
leave you with one final warning: Don't get left outside of the CDs when they
close. OKAY! Good luck everypony! Have a nice trap! HAHAHAHA!" The TV
turned off. All of us just stood there, silent, staring at the TV for what
seemed like hours. The silent was broken by the alarm sounding again. BEEP BEEP BEEP "One minute until Chromatic Doors
close." We all looked around. "What do we do!" Mirage yelled.
How about you stay in character?
I guess we pick to go into one of the doors." Crescent said. "But
which one should each of us go into?" Peach asked. "It doesn't really
matter just pick one!" Blaze screamed.
Celestia’s biggest attribute is the fact
that she’s always cool, calm, and collected, even when being faced with death. And
now she’s freaking out over which door to pick.
tried to block out all of the yelling and tried to think. So there are three
different colored doors that we can go through. A Magenta one, a Cyan one, and
a Yellow one. For me to going into the Magenta door I would need to go with the
Blue Pair who were Mirage and Rush.
If I wanted to go into the Cyan door I would
need to go with the Red Pair who were Blaze and Peach.
Ehh… Decent team.
And if I wanted to go into the Yellow door I
would need to go with the Green Pair who were Crescent and Coral.
A reformed villain and an insane pony?
Sorry, that’s now the best team.
could not go with Coy or Gem since they were the Green and Blue Solos. I took a
deep breath BEEP BEEP BEEP "Thirty second until Chromatic
doors close." Everypony was still trying to find out what to do. I knew
that if it kept going like this we would never get in one of those doors. I
knew I had to be the one to pick. "Okay I'll pick who will go in what door
okay!" Everypony stopped talking and looked at me. Well this was it. I
looked around and everypony and made my choice. "Ok I'll go into the door
And there, the fic ended. Never to be
updated again. This story was not very good, to say the least. Outside of the
obvious eye-melting grammar mistakes and formatting, the characters were all
poorly defined and they could’ve been traded out for generic humans and I doubt
you’d notice the difference. It seemed like it just had the ponies there for
the sake of ponies, but not doing anything with it.
Thank you for joining me for this 31/31,
and I hope you enjoyed Destroyer and I’s weird review.