OCTOBER 31, 2012   -  -  Issue 1



CALIFORNIA - In the wake of the released iPhone 5 (September 21) and the announcement of the iPad Mini as of October 23, Apple diehards cheered around the world in piranha-like excitement for the tech Goliath's next product.

By international surprise, the fruit-company-that-isn't-about-producing-fruit held its annual WWDC conference and its subsequent, "We lied and didn't show everything off two months ago" press release to great critical acclaim. Not only did the public learn that Apple is the leader in the smartphone market, but they also received stat-charts telling them useful facts, such as "More Apps Downloaded Than Last Year", or "Best Phones Ever, Since Last Year's Ever". Much to the crowd's shock, the iPhone 5 (not the 6!) was unveiled, and was, according to CEO Tim Cook, "The most amazing, magical phone ever". [Author's Note: Having used each iPhone, this really is the best one so far!]



Thankfully, not more than five months after the release of the New iPad, Apple underhandedly debuts to the world the iPad Mini. Meant to be a budget device that competes with the likes of the Amazon Kindle Fire, the product will only charge you $329 for two-year old technology and a smaller screen. Competition looks pretty measly, with the Kindle Fire going for $159 and the Google Nexus 7 at $249. If you know anything about the tech industry, paying less money for something obviously means that it's not as good, and you won't be as socially cool if you don't own the new iPad Mini. Along with marginally upgraded iPod lines, and new laptops updated with technology that's been present for two years, Apple is at an all-time high. In every single aspect of the market, the organization manages to offer similar experiences and specifications to competing products, at consistently steeper prices, breaking records in good-willed consumer and market tyranny. A civilian at the press conference, named Kathryn, chimed in, saying, "I'm so excited for the iPad Mini. It's all I ever wanted in an iPhone or an iPad, at just the right size. I'm so happy they made it just like their other gadgets". Kudos, Apple.

However, Tim Cook has since recently announced to its private stockholders, that the company will be moving towards "new bounds in creativity and originality" with their products. Not stopping there, Cook hopes to donate 1% of their yearly earnings towards charity. "It will be hard on us financially," he says, "but I believe that Apple will be able to win over the market again". Recent plans have been set in motion to lower production costs of their technology in China from $10 to $3, in hopes of maximizing consumer profit by 300% when sold back in America for $900.

This drastic turn of events is appalling, to say the least. For starters, what will consumers have to look forward to every year if they can't expect the same product to be released from last year? If Apple really sticks to their new "creativity" plan, then at the very worst the products will be so refreshingly unique and different year-after-year that the public will be unable to recognize what's what. How will we maintain a consistent social status if we can't brag how we own the iPhone 5, the iPad, the Macbook for charging, and iPad Mini for when we're on the go? That kind of brand exhaustion is what kept the company moving forward. This unexpected new turn will hurtle the company into dark places, coming forward.

"There's nothing for me to waste my money on, if I don't know what I'm buying," added McArthur.



On top of the frustrating new approach to "original" product design, how will Apple be able to stay afloat when their giving away a margin of their profits to those in need? After their record-breaking achievement of becoming a $100-billion-a-year company, the 1% giveaway will mean that they're losing a whopping total of $10-thousand dollars - those are profits that should be going towards boosting the productivity of Apple employees, not helping the poor. With any luck - and for all you Apple cultists out there, cross your fingers - the new price increase of their products will help them maintain even with their quarterly earnings.

If only Apple could take a look at themselves more closely, and realize that they don't need to give us better things, they need to give us what popular culture wants - more of the same. We don't want speed, we want style. Don't make us switch over to Windows Phone 8.




*Small Note* This is a satire of the position that Apple holds in technology today, and some of its common fallacies that could be reprimanded. It's partially written as an assignment for school. If you have any pointers for improvements, or think it was over the top, please feel free to tell me. If you liked it however, still send a comment!