The Sweet Sweet Review of Clash of The Titans (I'm going to to do it as a man I swear) - TOGNick Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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The Sweet Sweet Review of Clash of The Titans (I'm going to to do it as a man I swear)

So here it is another movie, another review.  This time I had to drag my friend Liz kicking and screaming to see this movie, and well it didn't change her mind in anyway as to why she didn't want to see it.  I mean I really don't even know where to begin with this atrocity.  I'll start with the good I suppose, it only seems fair that I build it up only to tear it down a couple paragraphs later.

Ok so this is a much needed graphical reimagining of the 1981 original.  Although I do feel conflicted, this movie is far superior to the original in terms of it's graphics, but isn't that what's to be expected, almost 30 years later you better believe that these graphics better be an improvement and they are.  Save for some things.  First by now you should know that this movie is availible in 3D and it's really not all that important to see in 3D, as by now you already know that it was made for 2D and then later converted.  The 3D failed to impress me and paying 30 dollars for 2 people to see it just feels like a huge rip off.  While most creatures and special effects are excellent, the actors really failed to portray themselves battling these beasts, particularly during the giant scorpion scene. 

Set Design was what is to be expected fog, deserts, and boats are all here, it's not anything that will make you go "oh my god that's awesome" but it's passable.

The Stygian witches and the Djinn are honestly the best part of the movie, they just look awesome.  The witches look straight out of Guillermo Del Toro, and the Djinn are just bad ass looking.  Medusa was also cool, nice battle.  There were also some fairly brutal looking deaths for some of Perseus' soldiers during some of the battles, however being rated PG-13 limits the coolness factor here.

Ok so here it is it's time to go through what I didn't like, you better grab some popcorn and if you don't want any spoilers, well you were warned in a previous blog about that.

Plot wise this movie is a friggin mess.  Perseus as you know is cast off with his mother to the sea because Zeus raped her and her husband, a king, gets all pissed off about it.  That's about as close to the original you can get in terms of plot set up, sure the other set pieces are there, Krakken, Stygian Witches, Calibos, they are all there, but so fundamentally different it's completely a different plot line.

OK so apparently man is pissed at the gods and they are destroying a statue of Zeus when Hades shows up and slaps them around, he kills Perseus' adopted family, which sets Perseus on a quest to kill Hades.  The kingdom of Argos finds him and Hades threatens them with permission of Zeus of releasing the Krakken, which apparently is a sea monster but in this Hades created it to kill the Titans, unless they sacrifice Andromeda the princess.  Hades tells Zeus that Perseus is alive and Zeus who is all pissed off because Perseus doesn't pray to him, says to hell with him, and then he decides to help.  Then he decides to warn him, then he decides to help.  Yeah it's that ridiculous...at least in the original Zeus stayed consistent in his support of Perseus. 

Perseus is a whiny jock apparently as well..."I don't want to be a demi god, I'm going to do it as a man."  Oh my god would you just shut up and be stupid like you were in the original, it at least gave the movie some charm, which is completely lacking in this movie, no mechanical owl to act as comic relief, just no charm what so ever.  This movie takes itself way too seriously.  Sure there's some "comic" relief but it comes off as forced one liners.

Oh yeah and could you please follow a believeable time line...Perseus has 10 days to kill the Krakken, it takes 1 day of rest after fighting Calibos 4 days to the witches and I think they said 2 days to the underworld, so that's 7 days which apparently you can fly by Pegasus Air in I guess 3...even though they said the eclipse was happening and he had to hurry up.

Another bad sign was that the fight in the Desert with the Giant Scorpions started giving me Transformers flashbacks, and I think I may now have to spend my weekly therapy session trying to calm down after painfully remembering that film. 

Also apparently it takes forever for a Krakken to turn to stone from Medusa's stare but only 2 seconds to send Hades back to the underworld in one of the most anti climatic fights between a god and demigod, could they not afford some kind of epic fight or were they just thinking we need to finish this before people get more pissed off at us, I'm going with the latter.

So onto the numbers...

I give Clash of the Titans 2 suicide bombing Djinn out of 5 for being fun to watch but absolutely terrible in all areas of a film that actually make it worth 30 dollars for two people

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