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That magical time called 2013 is finally fading away. Awards, honors, Top Ten lists, they call come and go, but memories are forever. As long as you remember them, that is. Take the time to pay tribute to the strangest ones of them all in this hallowed time of yearly reflection. Upholding my imaginary duties to present to you only the very best lists available, behold! The comprehensive Top 25 list of the most downright kooky things about these last 12 months so blessed to have greeted players far and wide.*
*Note: One need not take this list as seriously as one who speaks in first person. ;)
1. Rockstar considers in-game tattoos "sensible investments." What says "Don't ***k with me bro!" like a little mermaid on your keester? Nothing, that's what.
2. This was the year that man's best friend was more interesting than man.
3. We all can finally admit it: If we're not already in an always on-line world, we're in a "nearly always online" one. Every multiplayer game launch is ceremoniously toasted with a system wide crash, fan outrage, plummeting stocks, timely opinion pieces, and a lovely apology gift from _____ Entertainment/Studios/Productions/Games. Repeat cycle.
4. Gran Turismo STILL believes Volkswagon buses are highly capable Indy 500 racing machines.
5. Aquaman is actively trying to disprove being sucky. It’s actually beginning to work.
6. The Last Guardian may be "The Last Video-Game" the industry makes period at the rate it's going.
7. The present hatred towards X-Box's Kinect has reached Skynet proportions. By the time of the Kinect 3.0's E3 debut, Microsoft will have made a sentient Kinect capable of making war against humanity, or an immortal Arnold Schwarzenegger, whichever is more innovative.
8. After 8 yrs., Sly Cooper's near-sighted guards haven't gotten any brighter.
9. In the Legend of Zelda, merchant bunny men squatting in a home and literally setting up shop is apparently immune to Hylian prosecution.
10. DC has absolutely no love for Green Arrow or anyone that isn't Superman or Batman beating the crap out of each other on a game cover.
11. Final Fantasies are following a pattern of amusing distractions: VIII's Triple Triad, X's blitzball, XII's fishing, III-2's slot machines, Lightning Returns' sim dress-up game, it's not long before Square Enix finally launches "Cooking Noel Cookoff."
12. Nintendo's revealed its deep dark secret: Mario & company are just pure sadists. No, they don't need to sell the whole "save the princess" storyline anymore: skinning Goombas’n prancing around in them is officially rated E.
Sign the petition for the endangered Goomba
13. "That's not even a real game" is the next popular power point for when you can’t ever dish out when you're too tired to argue on forums.
14. Nobody really knows what the "indie" definition means anymore. No one really cares when indie companies are publishing games with big companies, defeating the "independent" point. Basically, it’s if it’s doesn’t cost a bazillion dollars to make.
15. The Ouya is the only system smart enough to spell its own name on its controller. Woot woot!
16. Sony repeats its own history. They ruled the day with the PS2 and seemed to forget all of it by the PS3. Now that the PS4 is the sacred cow, the PS5's launch may have already screwed itself with 2019's "Purple Blinker of Death."
17. Naughty Dog can't ever make a darker game than The Last of Us. Seriously.
18. Booker DeWitt consumes more calories with less dignity than any other game character virtually alive. Sure, killing gun-toting racists and mechanical founding fathers gives ya a hankering for a nice slice of chocolate cake, but gosh darn it man! Small bites! And don't get me started on the hobo diet of "random hotdogs on benches." --
Not as Healthy as you may think Booker. . .
19. There's something downright creepy about Pikmin's existentialist beliefs. Where do you go when you die as cheap alien slave labor? Apparently to Super Smash Bros. stage screens. Ouch.
20. Arkham Origins does, in fact, cover the most telling Batman origin story ever: After Bruce finally landed himself a decent bat-suit, two years later his mid-life crisis forced him to start wearing actual black briefs on the outside. That's fear-inducing fetish for fear of underwear if any Gotham mugger ever saw one. No wonder the Joker laughs so easily.
Someone wake up on the wrong side of the Bat-Bed?
21. The terrible VGAs shed its cocoon only to evolve into the equally horrid creature called the VGX. It's only a matter of time before the VGZs are hosted by The Hunger Games' Caesar Flickerman and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly before being buried in the sand with ET's game cartridges.
22. If "Nintendo is Doomed" articles were video-games, they should be released with a "64" logo, because that's how many times it's been predicted Nintendo will inevitably collapse along with the Mayan calendar's end.
23. Assassin's Creed had it wrong: Ubisoft is Abstergo Industries, not the Templars. If it's our next Activision, by 2016, three Assassin's Creed titles won't be enough to satisfy the fan demand for 1873 Assassin gold mining.
Templar save screens. EVIL.
24. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the time is coming for a dinosaur game for the ages. Assassin's Creed IV's pirates, Red Dead's cowboys, Halo's space marines, every other game's zombie hordes and dragon slaying knights; this new generation will be defined by players eating Jeff Golblum, not playing him. Well, not literally in any case. How many of you wanted to be Jeff Golblum as a nine yr. old? Not as many as would like to be the T-Rex, or the velociraptor, or the bludgeoning Triceratops. No story? No problem. Particle physics, touch pads, controller rumble, touch-screen controls. "Next-gen." Boom. You have your 2015 E3 GI headliner. Chomp chomp!
25. Telltale has become the next J.J. Abrams. Game of Thrones, Borderlands, Walking Dead, Wolf Among Us, it's doing just about every licensed series ever and it's either prohibited its employees from sleeping or has two thousand elves working in its deep, dark studio basements on Doctor Who and Star Trek as we speak.
Bonus: GI and even this blog have done nearly ever list in existence loosely pertaining to gaming. Some poor editor and this writer will be reduced to writing up a draft of "Top Ten Gaming Lists of All Time of All Time" by Christmas 2014. It's sad, but someone has to do it.
What are some of the oddest things you noticed about this splendid year of 2013? Sound off, give a holler, do an interpretive dance, or just gosh darn whatever you feel like in the comments below that's site friendly. Happy holidays everyone, get down and get funky with your gamer selves. The year ahead of us is just chock full of hoopla. I can't wait, can you?
Tim Gruver writes for N00b Magazine.com. He likes a silly Top 25 list any day and enjoys a good cup of green tea with a controller in hand any day. Read his stuff here or there and don't judge him for liking Spider-man 2's old movie game more than he should.