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Grand Theft Auto V released this week and fans of the series know what that means: perpetrating loads of debauchery and swiping a lot of hot rides. How hot you say? This generation has had more than its fair share of flashy vehicles worth stealing, so choose your ride wisely and rev up your engines.
It also so happens that earlier this summer, my family got a brand new car, a Honda Fit to be exact. It’s a mighty dandy one, but one can often worry about its safety. How sporty your ride is one thing, but how secure is it from wandering hands? Check out the top dozen best rides down below and see if your favorite made it.
Leonardo Da Vinci’s Flying Machine (Assassin’s Creed Series)
It’s no Maserati, but in Renaissance terms, it was (*ahem*) “De Maserati’s %@#$ brudda from anotha @#$% mutha!” in the words of Leonardo Da Vinci. (*end quote*) A truly revolutionary invention for the earliest of western flight, it heralded the beginning of the modern scientific age and the dawn of flying Assassin delinquents from up on high. If nothing else, it was the rough great grandfather of the airplane in concept and the reason why virtual Venice was so dang spectacular from the air for the one mission we flew it in.
Mileage: .25 mph
Manufacturer: Leonardo Da Vinci
Hijack potential: Low. While technically without any alarms, tracking devices, or security measures of any kind built into it, it’s a practical sitting duck for the average Templar gang-banger to sell to the nearest chop-shop. However, it’s unlikely that you’ll get very far with it before crashing into your nearest homie on a roof in a light updraft.
Yoshi: (Mario Series)
Okay, cheating as it may be to choose a living ride, the kind of swank ride that the Yosh-meister can be. I mean, look at him. He’s a frick’in DINOSAUR for crying out loud! Or, whatever he’s classified as by paleontologists. Not only is he the cutest ride in town, I don’t see any of Gran Turismo’s cars licking up the competition. . . literally. Saliva covered drive-bys are golden in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the piled up bodies of Koopas and Goombas attest to the Yoshi mobile’s lean, mean muscle.
Mileage: Aprox. 1 mph or one piece of fruit and or hapless Goomba a mile
“Manufacturers”: Yoshi’s Mama and Papa
Hijack potential: Depends on what nutritious snacks you have with you or whether you’re a diaper clad baby
Wario Bike: (Various Appearances)
Wario is practically the spiritual GTA resident of the Mushroom kingdom and his mad ride embodies that. This pint-sized pumpkin of a man demands money and power like he was god and farts garlic cloves like the devil. His ride flashes around so much testosterone you’d think Wario was compensating for something. At a lean 5,000 cc, 4-stroke, 350HP engine and a meaner flame paint job, it’s only the best that Wario Ware Inc. can buy for the dirty little man riding it and he’s no kinder or kind for it. Smashing into pedestrians or fighters is one thing, but flipping us off with the inane rallying taunts of “Wario Number ONE!!!” over and over again.
Mileage: 217 mph. Unknown mileage on garlic cloves. . . ?
Manufacturer: Dr. Crygor
Hijack Potential: Easy as long as you’re small enough to use the stubby pedals
Hocotate Freight Ship (Pikmin 2)
Follow the money’s the age old phrase for corporations, and Hocotate Freight’s presidential flagship proves it time and again. It may have been the clunker you better remember it for in Pikmin 2, but once your company’s debt is paid, it’s decked out in the shiniest gold paint job ill-gotten junkyard gain can buy. A three-seater (albeit a cramped one), it lugs more virtually infinite space for as many pots and cans and disgusting bug bodies as you can carry, plus is has the kind of “personality” that’d make Olimar’s Dolphin and the S.S. Drake blush. Hardly befitting a corporate symbol, but hey, it’s a cutt-throat business galaxy out there.
Mileage: Capable of maximum speeds between Hocotate and Earth
Manufacturer: Hocotate Freight
Hijack Potential: Nearly impossible with the cargo of hundreds of Pikmin onboard and a sassy AI security system
One hardly needs to play a Halo title to bask in the glory that is the Warthog. Like a jeep from hell with the most decadent assortment of guns and the UNSC’s finest armored heavyweights, it’s apparently as much a part of the UNSC as boots, guns, and tasteless coffee, cheers to the thought of the latter. Even Master Chief, “The Demon” of the Covenant, might caress its M41 Light Anti-Aircraft Gun/M46 Light Anti-Aircraft Gun with knowing delight, with it’s glorious 450-550 rounds per minute of supple bullets awakening steam feelings on a warm summer’s night. These two should get a room.
Mileage: 75 mph
Hijack Potential: It has no doors to speak of and as long as you have a key, you’ll probably be able to start it. Avoid overcharged plasma blasts and grenades at all costs, for driving one will nearly attract either.
Shiva Sisters’ Bike: (Final Fantasy XIII)
Bikers swag is a staple among hip lunkheads like Snow Villiers, but a literally hot bike that transforms into two hot mechanical babes is a sweet ride indeed. An Eidolon to be exact, the two sexy pair of sisters, Stiria and Nix, prove to be as effective in battle as they are pretty faces. Both have separate ATB gauges and balancing between Medic, Ravager, and Commando roles, their combined perks of not being damaged by enemies and an icy kiss of death called Blizzaga. Why two silent sisters willingly transform into a bike to be ridden by Snow is a mystery, but I guess there’re perks to being a dumb looking hobo after all. . .
Manufacturer: The strange minds at Square Enix
Hijack Potential: Only rideable by scruffy punks in beanies and trenchcoats
Arwing: (StarFox Series)
The StarFox Team is kind of like GTA’s protagonists in a way. Find a bounty, take out targets, paid, listen to Slippy’s effeminately annoying voice, save the galaxy, get paid. In that same comparison they have their own equivalent of hotrods and jets to pilot in the form of Arwings and Landmasters. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good tank, but the feeling of an Arwing is unlike any other. Sure, Rockstar’s been work’in on those next-gen barrel rolls behind closed doors for GTA VI, but do they have an anthropomorphic rabbit shouting instructions to you? They don’t make ‘em like they used to.
Mileage: Mach 4.2
Manufacturer: Space Dynamics
Hijact Potential: No apparent key or button for ignition, but ask Slippy
Aphelion: 3371 Alpha (Ratchet and Clank Series)
Ratchet & Clank probably spent years hopping taxis and dirty space buses before they finally got their hands on a personal ride, and it was worth it when they finally found this old girl in the dust heap. Sparkly clean after a good session with her family owner, Ratchet is probably inseparable from this ride in recent games and it’s easy to see why. Customizable weaponry, paint jobs, barrel-rolling to the max, it’s little wonder why Lombaxes are so tech savvy when they have toys like these to play around with.
Mileage: Unknown intergalactic speeds
Hijack Potential: Not without a stern warning from the computer
Blue Falcon: (F-Zero Series)
Captain Falcon hasn’t been hav’in his a-game face on for a long, long time, but don’t be repossess’in his !#$@ just yet, bro. Falcon, a.k.a Douglas Jay Falcon, is one ripped, flashy chap and his ride speaks volumes to that. As cool and blue as the truth it speaks to epic racing, it makes chalk dust of anything it competes against. Good ‘ole Falcon’s so bored from winning that even bounty hunting can’t keep him busy enough. What you look’in at? You talk’in to Falcon?! You talk’in to Falcon?!!! 0_o *zooooom, crunch*
Mileage: 457 Km/h
Hijack Potential: Downright impossible given some insanely high security and insaner controls to handle in getaways
Shagohod: (Metal Gear Solid 3)
In short, the Shagohod’s a monster. Besides being created with the sole purpose of launching a nuclear attack at high-speeds from the ground, it sports as many nasty weapons as you could imagine. A machine gun rack, Kobra surface-to-air missiles, a huge-frickin drill for god only knows what terror, and a frick-in nuclear missile to boot, it’s the stuff of nightmares for nations and secret agents alike. It’s also the granddaddy of the Metal Gears and the further nightmare to all men named Snake. That’s exactly why driving a bad-boy like this to the mall parking lot would be the best thing ever. Compact spaces? @$%# off white lines!
Mileage: 80 km/h
Manufacturer: Soviet Union/Nikolai Stepanovich Sokolov
Hijack Potential: Nearly impossible even at high speeds in a motorcycle side-car
Metal Gear Rex: (Metal Gear Solid 4)
Machine guns, anti-tank missiles, ship-missiles, cluster missiles, the list of everything that the Metal Gear Rex packs in makes it sound like a list of things to encourage its ban by world governments if it wasn’t so darn effective attractive to military contractors. Yes, Metal Gear Solid is epic enough to demand two epic entries onto this list. If the Shagohod was only the beginning, then the Metal Gear Rex was the end-all for the arms race and all other boss battles you thought stacked up against it. Screaming out of their cockpits is pretty dang cool as well, but shouting matches are hardly as good with he cheesy attached to them. “Liquid! Snake! PUN!”
Mileage: Leaps over tall buildings in a single-bound
Manufacturer: United States Marine Corp
Hijack Potential: Doable by one, dying old man with a bandana and tranquilizer, so it can’t be that hard, right?
The Normandy: (Mass Effect Series)
Last, but not least, is the big daddy of them all: The Normandy. A flying fortress, a home, a command center, a place to kick back your feet and make out with the one humanoid closest to you the Normandy is many things to many people and that’s what makes it the ultimate form of transportation in the galaxy. It’s not just a ship with a buxom paint job and big cannons, no. It’s a medium for a narrative that takes its characters across the universe, in the midst of your crew’s sickness and in health, in style or chaos. Nevertheless, the stories you’ll tell here through your own choosing is what makes it the greatest ride of all. And those medi-gel dispensers. That word. . . “medi-gel”. . . :P
Mileage: Indeterminate intergalactic speeds by modern standards via a Tantalus Drive Core
Manufacturer: Systems Alliance
Hijack Potential: The Normandy is no one’s trophy. All hands down with the ship.
Dishonorable Mention: Sonic Riders Hoverboards (Sonic Riders Series)
Mileage: Right around zero when you keep hitting walls
Manufacturer: A poor man’s Tony Hawk
Hijack Poten--Screw it, no one would steal one of these. Not even drunk.
So, what ride puts you in the mood for zipping around the gaming world? Pick your ride from above or in your comment below and thanks for reading. I'm on a count-down to what will hopefully be my 100th blog this year, and I can only hope it'll be a memorable one. Stay tuned!