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This Gaming Generation; What We've Learned

Good Times.

 It's been almost an entire decade since this generation of consoles started. Seems like just yesterday, we were unwrapping that brand new Wii... Well, I've taken the duty of summing up all the things that we've learned this generation, and all of the things that we'll miss about it as the next wave washes over us. Behold and rejoice, the work of the last decade.

 

 

1. Innovation is for those 'indie' chumps. Want to make some real-people money? Guns. Explosions. Rail segment. There you go, a certified multi-billion dollar game franchise, right there.

2. Never. EVER. Break your promise to a god. It's just not worth it.

Ouch, Helios!

 

3. Sony and Microsoft still do not know how to reveil a new console. Microsoft forgot to bring the games, and Sony didn't even bring the box. Well, better luck next time, right?

4. In the year 2013, princesses have still not gotten any smarter. 

Well, she probably does deserve it.

 

5. You can can put Ezio in a Batman outfit and make off with all of the cash before anyone notices. 

6. The secret to making Tomb Raider a successful franchise again was actually smaller breasts. Who would've guessed?

7. Capcom will sadly never retire the Resident Evil franchise. Because what do you do when the movie franchise (which is a joke to begin with) gets better than the actual game series it was (very loosely) based off of? Well, make more games, of course! 

Great... Just...

 

8. Star Wars games are dead. Oh well, at least we have at least three more movies on the way. 

9. Pay-to-Win games are taking over the world. Expect to pay for every perk use sometime in 2014, and each mushroom shortly after.

10. Max Payne gets more depressing by the generation. By this time next year, he'll be a lobotomized cripple who becomes a circus clown run by legless orphans, who will all die. 

11. The same people who complain about Call of Duty, Dynasty Warriors, and God of War not changing their formulas up, send death threats when Dante gets new threads. Huh. Interesting.

12. The Man of Steel (no, not Joseph Stalin) may just be through with video games. He hasn't starred in his own game since 2006's Superman Returns. For good reason. That game was horrendous, a more painful experience than eating glass shards and washing them down with lemon juice.

13. Speaking of terrible experiences, we've also learned that Hulk Hogan should stay out of our television screens. Period. I won't even post the link to his Kinect game here. It's just that bad.

14. Horror games are slowly getting back into their stride. When you play Amnesia: The Dark Descent, get scared so hard you leap, crack your head on the cabinet and develop actual amnesia, you can't help but feel like the game has done it's job.

15. I'm serious about the whole ''promise to a god'' thing. Do you need another reminder?

Hey guys, I found the flashlight!

 

16. Master Chief is getting lazy. Out of the five Halo games this generation (not including Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary), he's starred in two. For those of you who are extremely bad with math, that's a whopping forty percent. 

17. In more optimistic news, we are getting very close to Virtual Reality goodness. The Oculus Rift and The Microsoft Kinect combined make for a gamer's dream come true.

Yes. Porn just got that much better.

 

18. Turns out, violent video games actually decrease crime rates in youth. Take that, Bill O' Reilly!

19. On the other hand, crimes committed after playing video games have gotten dumber, so I guess it's safe to say that it all evens out in the end.

20. Stryker is just as broken a Mortal Kombat character as ever. He just loves to spam that friggin' pistol of his...

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Well, there you go. A decade of memories and lessons to bring to the next generation. So, what do you think? Any more things you've learned from this decade that you'd like to share? Feel free to comment, post, blog, marglarg or whatever you wish. Just no opinions. This is the internet, ya know. Peace!

 

:D

 

 

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