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Veteran Member - Level 13
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a special edition of the blog. If you're here, I'm presuming you are so for one of three reasons:
1. You are Warrior. (Hi, Warrior!)
2. You, a hardcore Nintendo fan, read the title and probably aren't even reading this story right now, as you are at the bottom of the page writing a strong-worded comment on how I am just a Sony fanboy and should go jump of a cliff. I expect the words ''dumb'' and ''troll'' to be in your comment. Please, make my day, I implore you. Muahaha!
3. You, like me, are tired of the same tropes popping up in the world of Nintendo games, and want to root out the problem from the bottom. This blog is for you.
Four Nintendo game series, time and time again, lure in gamers with the hopes of playing a new adventure staring their favorite stars, fighting in a desperate battle to save the world as we know it. Sure, it sounds great on paper, but when we unveil that shiny new disc, and pop it into our game consoles, it doesn't take too long to realize that it's the same journey you've been treading for the last decade in a new wrapper. Slaughtering innocent animals, check. Double-jump upgrade, check. Save the princess (or prince, I don't judge), check. Some gamers might udder a cry, ''We need to rehaul this franchise!''. I am here to change that perspective. We do not need fancy new graphics, or great new gameplay mechanics to have a fun game. We just need to start giving some of the characters some more common sense. The following franchises are some of the biggest offenders of basic knowledge, franchises that need to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and open a book.
4. The Legend of Zelda
For those of you who aren't familiar with this series (you know, those of you who live under a rock), The Legend of Zelda franchise revolves around the prepubescent warrior Link and his exploits to save the kingdom of Hyrule from the recurring forces of evil, usually led by recurring villain, Ganon. Along the way he usually rescues the music-loving princess Zelda and she gives him an instrument or something, which can normally be used from anything as simple as teleportation to something as religion-questioning as changing the weather. He then proceeds to save the kingdom, getting paid nothing for his accomplishments, except a chance to do it all over again in Master Quest, a harder, mirrored version of the original quest, where he also gets paid nothing Oh, goody!
Now, before you blast me and start saying ''It's the experience that matters, not the reward at the end!'' let me tell you that if you told me to trek through eight dungeons, brave numerous puzzles, and kill the baddest boys in all of Ooo, I'm taking soldiers with me on my quest. I don't mind about purchasing my own equipment, as I'll gladly support the economy (though I do question the general store's moral integrity on the grounds of selling bombs next to the energy drinks). But you are out of your rocker if you think that I'm going to go it alone. It's not like the soldiers of Hyrule are doing their jobs anyway, as the kingdom gets ransacked every day of the week. It couldn't hurt to have five or so rugged veterans come with me on my quest, I mean, they are paid to do this anyway. Let me hire some mercenaries, rush through this thing, so that you can go back to parading or celebrating or whatever you were doing before you woke me up.
Next, what's the deal with the villains? Despite the fact that most of the main villains have the baddest magical skills since Thanos had the Infinity Gauntlets, they again and again get their arses handed to them by the same little kid. It's ridiculous! They always seem like almighty forces at the beginning of the quests, as most of them easily hand Link his teeth on a silver platter during their first encounters-- although they never finish the job. The big bad, always simply laughs at Link after this, before leaving! You would think that given Link's track record for face-killing EVERYTHING THAT WALKS, they would know to finish him off right then and there. But they don't, they just laugh and puff into smoke, not only alerting the kingdom to their presence but also giving Link their identities, which he will then use to POUND THEIR FACES INTO OBLIVION. I once thought you guys were cool, but now I see you guys deserve what you get.
Finally, what's up with the dungeons? Every time something goes up, Link has to go through the trouble of slogging through eight dungeons, limping through dozens of rooms, jog a dimension or two, and collect a list of of magical artifacts that can only be found in these dungeons. Now, if I know that I am a king, my kingdom gets invaded every couple of minutes, and I know that these trinkets are the only way I stand a chance against Gannon, wouldn't it make more sense to defend said artifacts? You know, so I could save my citizens all the trouble? The king is more incompetent in this series than Toad is in Super Mario Bros., but we'll get to that later. All I'm saying is that being prepared is key to victory, and no one in the games ever sees farther than ten seconds into their futures. I worry for all of these character's IQs'.
Common Sense Meter: 3 Stars- ''I see dumb people.''
3. The Pokemon Series
For those of you who never seen the video games, the card games, the internet (how are you even reading this, then?), or a television, the Pokemon series revolves around your parents kicking you out onto the world at the age of ten, where you enter the wonderful world of dog fighti-- I mean Pokemon battling, capturing, and trading of hundreds of marvelous creatures that inhabit the regions around you. Yes, I know that this may sound a little cruel, but remember that this isn't just for sport.Wait, it is. You fight in stadiums and earn shiny badges as prize for beating different champions' fuzzy pets to the point where they can't move anymore. But at least you get badges, right? Who cares about animal rights when you have a nice new rock to add to your collection? Screw you, PETA!
All the while, you thwart the plans of evil organizations bent on stealing your pets for nefarious deeds. You know, like... raising water levels, pausing time and space, and controlling entire civilizations. So pretty much, they're the Pokemon world's version of James Bond Villians.
Forget the Drama Club for a second, though. I'm more worried about the kids around here. First of all, most of these childrens' rooms consist of little more than a poster, computer, and a bed. Are you telling me that you can afford brand new televisions that play ''Stand By Me'' 24/7, and fridges filled with lemonade, but you can't even get a closet in your child's room? We're forced to travel in the same threads we've probably worn all our life. That might of even have been acceptable if you would've invested in a shower or something for the house. But no, we don't have one of those either. So I have to wallow in my own filth forever. Speaking of traveling, what's up with that? These parents let their kids go on trips around the world, with no supervision, on a planet infested with fire-breathing boxer birds, and spiders the size of boulders. And these kids average at ten-years old. When these kids run into ghosts, they probably are already peeing in their dirty arse shorts. I won't even touch on the subject of you taking money out of my bank account to buy posters and drinks that I'll never use. Just know that I hate you, mother.
Back to the Glee Club. What were they thinking? Do you really expect me to believe that you all just decide to make these crazy, unrealistic plans and really expect them to follow through? I can understand a little of it, maybe even some of your crazier junk. But all of it? Do you honestly think that your plan to recreate the entire world was going to go off without a hitch? Really? We don't even need a police force here, because you guys dig your own graves. To make it worse, the main honchos are always so passionate about their goals, as if they don't realize that they have a snowball's chance in hell of prevailing. And after constant consistent beat-downs, they still try to pursue their dreams. Kind of makes me feel bad about beating their Pokemon into submission. Which raises the question, if evil Owners have Pokemon, are their Pokemon automatically evil, too? Because if not, I have serious moral reservations about Mega-Kicking their defenseless pets into dust.
Well, I'll get over it eventually. I mean, I actually get paid to beat these guys up this time, so it's not all too bad.
Common Sense Meter: 2 Stars- ''Ehh, I've seen dumber.''
2. Super Mario Bros. Series
Well, in case you have no television, no game system, no computer, no friends, never had a childhood, have never been to a costume party, and live in a shoe, let me describe the plot of every Super Mario Bros. game to you. A princess is kidnapped by the loveless turtle man, Bowser, and it's up to her plumber boyfriend (her father can't possibly approve of this relationship. Seriously, a princess and a plumber. Facepalm.) Mario, and his ghost-busting brother (This family is just... ridiculous. I bet their sister is a unicorn slayer or something.), Luigi, to save her. Along the way, they take body-enhancing mushrooms, encounter innocent creatures which they violently slaughter (SCREW YOU, PETA), along with everything in their paths until they beat the shell out of Bowser and save Princess Peach. This happens about every day. I swear to you. I'm surprised they haven't invested in any sort of security system yet, honestly. To make it worse, they frequently go tennis playing and karting with Bowser. They have brains the size of peas. These are seriously some dumb people. I can't stress enough how stupid they are. Really.
Okay, now that I've got my anger out of the way, allow me to share some of the problems in all of this. I won't comment on how the Toads never even try to stop Bowser from stealing Peach away into his ship, although I will say that so many of their problems could have been avoided if they had just invested in buying walls for the castle. I won't comment about Mario's obvious drug problems. I shalln't even bring up the fact that they play board-games with Bowser during their off-time. I just will not. I refuse to acknowledge any of this total crap. Seriously though, once again people, these guys are dumb.
Mario has to be the worst plumber in all of history. I have yet to see him unclog one toilet, fix one pipe, or do anything pertaining to the sort. This man has cured disease (Dr.Mario), taught kids how to type (Mario Teaches Typing), and played at the Olympics (Mario and Sonic at the Olympics), yet I have yet to see him perform the job he professes in. Not saying that he's bad at his job or anything, but when I look at your plumber resume and see that all you've ever done was rescue princesses, I'm probably not going to hire you for my company. The same goes with Luigi. The guy sucks up ghosts with a Dust-Devil for a living. Because that's really going to get you a date buddy. When you have kids, they'll never invite you to ''Invite Your Parent To School Day''. When you die, people will mock your life and take a dump on your grave. You seriously need to re-evaluate your life, Luigi.
I'm done with those two. Your turn, Bowser. now, I know that giant flaming turtles aren't exactly known for their smoothness with the ladies, but there's no excuse for breaking into someone's home, kidnapping the woman, and then locking her in a bird-cage. That's no way to woo a female, man. You want to start slow, like a jail cell or something. Then you work up from there. Unfortunately, our friend here doesn't know when to stop trying. If after first two and a half decades she still isn't into you, then it's probably not going to work out. Now, I realize that there are only two or so females in the whole kingdom, but that is no excuse to go all bonkers about it. You will find someone who likes you for you one day. I'm sure some girl out there would love for a ten-foot tall anthropomorphic lizard to kidnap them. She just isn't the one. It's time to move on, buddy.
Finally, what is up with Peach? She has to be the worst Princess of all time! What happened to her kingdom? Did everyone seriously just die out from under her rule? Did she hoard all the mushrooms to herself? The entire population is gone, and she doesn't seem to notice! I know I may be ahead of myself when I say this, but realize that I'm a little skeptical of a ruler who doesn't notice that her entire kingdom has been eaten alive by Koompas. I'm starting to think she may be blind, deaf, or both. Then again, Helen Keller was smarter than this chick, so I just don't know what the deal is with Peach.
Common Sense Meter: 4 Stars- ''It's hard to get dumber than this.''
1. Super Smash Bros Series
So, it comes down to this. The dumbest series of all Nintendo time.
I'm not saying that the series isn't fun, it is a blast to play. Nothing makes you feel like a man like getting Donkey Kong to slap Samus silly. The stupidity of the series, though? It's on a level of it's own. Nintendo's biggest mascots to brawl against one another seems like a mixture for success, until you realize something. These heroes are all aware of each other, and have no problem beating each other to death. Instead of teaming up with each other to defeat evil for good, they decide to bide their time by blasting, eating, and mauling each other to death. I don't know about you people, but when I was a kid, when Superman and Batman teamed up, I knew that Lex Luthor was about to get served. Here, when Link and Kirby meet, you know it's going to end either with swords through appendages or cannibalism. They could all combine their energy, and become the biggest force the world has ever known, but instead they decide that the only solution is the systematic mass-murdering of our childhood heroes. And for what? What do they win from this? None other than a showdown with a giant glove. Yes, I'm serious. They eliminate themselves one-by-one until only there is a sole survivor. And then that person battles a floating hand, for no other reason other than to satisfy their uncontrollable blood-lust.
That character proceeds to punch the stuffing out of the hand, all the while dodging the most brutal rock-paper-scissors game ever put into video-game form. If they somehow manage to survive, and defeat this terrifying fingered-beast, that's it. No parade in their honor, no princess gets saved from a castle. Nada, ziltch, zippity-do-da. The character just turns into a stuffed-toy and virtually dies. Yes, you've read that correctly. They have killed each other for no apparent reason, other than to simply die themselves. The world of Nintendo must be a sick one to live in, if characters are willing to venture this far just to commit suicide. I guess that all that banana fetching was finally too much for Donkey Kong.
So, afterwards, you are to presume that the villains of those universes proceed to run amok, and destroy the rest of the waking world as we know it. I assure you, there no bitter-sweet ending. Unless you can somehow find the bright side in all of this, that is. The only thing you leave with is a heart of shame in knowing that Ganon is probably ruling Hyrule, beating the teeth out of Zelda right now.
Common Sense Meter: 5 stars- ''My hand hurts from all this facepalming.''
So what do you think? Did I miss any franchises? Am I being too harsh? Leave your comments in the section below. And hey, Microsoft and Sony. I'm coming for you, next.