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It’s hard to believe, but I am approaching my
100th blog, a good half of which has been Top 10s. Add in a Top 50, two Top 25s and various
smaller lists, and I have spent a good chunk of time putting video game things
in sequential order. I like to think
that, during this time, my craft has grown quite a bit, and I have even got to
the point where my words make sense some of the time. That’s about the best I can aspire to.
So, with that in mind, I thought it would be
interesting to look at the first Top 10 list I ever did. I’ve added pictures and fixed a few (read:
many) grammatical errors, but it is pretty much exactly how I wrote it, warts
and all. Suffice to say, I’ve come a
long way since then. But, I hope you
enjoy this genesis of a writer. It’s
rough, but it certainly spawned something in my brain that has persisted for
over two years now. Sp, without further
ado, here it is.
Top 10 Impractical Video Game Weapons
There was a time when video game weapons were
pretty standard. Swords, spears, guns, and your boots, these were
staples. Over time, we may have gotten a little ridiculous with it,
to say the least. While everyone likes an incredible weapon, some of them
just aren’t practical? I take a look at the Top 10
Impractical Weapons in video games.
10. Marcus’s Lancer: While it certainly looks cool, and I’m sure it
inspires fear, how useful is a chainsaw on your gun really? Consider
the maintenance you’ll have to perform, the lube and gasoline you’ll need to
carry, the sheer weight of it, the danger to yourself…There’s a reason bayonet
warfare isn’t around anymore, we certainly don’t need to take it to the next
level. Of course, I still want one.
9. Diddy’s Peanut Gun: Donkey Kong is cool and all, but how exactly
did Diddy get involved in all this. Does Kong really need a runt
like him to get his bananas back? Instead of brute force and icon
status, you have a hat and a peanut gun. A peanut gun? Are
we feeding your enemies now? Surely there is some projectile in the jungle
better than peanuts that Diddy can commandeer. Like himself.
8. Kratos’s Cestus: Yes, it looks badass. And yes, if
anybody could successfully wield that thing, it would be Kratos. But
aren’t there about a million more glove-like weapons that would work
better? It looks more ornamental than useful, and let’s face it: All
Kratos really needs is his chains anyway. Leave the gigantic golden lion
head for somebody else. Better yet Kratos, sell it and buy some more
ladies of ill repute. There’s experience points in that you know.
7. Jack’s Wrench: Don’t get me wrong. A wrench is
more than capable of killing a splicer or two. Absolutely. Maybe,
not likely, but maybe, it could beat down a single Big
Daddy. But dozens of them? Hundreds of splicers? I
don’t think so. No one even uses the wrench in Clue. You’re
not going to survive a hostile underwater dystopia with just a wrench. Sorry.
6. Tail’s Spin: When fighting mechanized versions of cuddly
forest creatures, apparently it’s best to simply hurl your body at them while
spinning. At least Sonic is a hedgehog, he’s prickly and
sharp. Maybe he can do some damage. But Tails…What is he
doing? How is this spinning fox bringing down robots? I
don’t understand. Sega, can you please help me understand?
5. Cait Sith’s Megaphone: The only way I can figure out how Cait Sith
actually attacks people is this. He takes his unbearably whiny,
high-pitched voice, amplifies it through his megaphone, and hits the enemy with
a full force cacophony of pathetic sound energy. He and Cid should
trade weapons. Cait Sith can stab himself with the spear, and Cid can hurl
curses at his enemies like a drunken Courtney Love. That way
4. Wakka’s Blitzball: Wakka is ridiculous. He speaks with
an offensively bad accent, he looks like he belongs on Jersey Shore, and he
throws the fantasy equivalent of a basketball at people. What? Seriously? People
are fighting with swords and magic, and he’s throwing balls at people. Go
back to the court Wakka. Can you imagine how bad it would be if we put
our sports stars into video ga…oh my God.
3. Mike’s Yo-Yo: In 1990, Nintendo released a game called
StarTropics, in which you took on the role of Mike, who, while visiting his
uncle on C-Island, gets caught up in an intergalactic showdown involving
robots, dolphins, magic and an evil alien general named Zoda. Yes,
it’s as great as it sounds. Even odder however, was Mike’s choice of
weapon. A Yo-Yo. Yep. He’s on an island of
natives, who ostensibly have spears and arrows, and he is rocking a
Yo-Yo. Oh, the ‘90s.
2. Link’s Boomerang: If I throw a boomerang at you, it will
probably hurt. It might even stun you, or, if you are a bat, it
could possibly even kill you. That’s about as close as Nintendo gets
to making sense of Link’s boomerang. I’m only gonna say this once,
if you hit something with a boomerang, it doesn’t come back to you. Imagine
if Zelda played out like it should. Link, running around hitting
people with his boomerang, then consequently retrieving it from their feet as
they frown at him. Doesn’t sound as fun does it?
1. Yoshi’s Eggs: Yes, we know Yoshi is a monster for throwing
his unborn children at people. We’ve known that for years. But
some burning questions still remain: Is Yoshi male or
female? Both? How does he pop those eggs out so quickly? Why
don’t they break? How can Mario stand by and watch this
slaughter? Alas, the world may never know.