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The pen is mightier than the sword, they say. That may be so, but I’ll still take the Buster Sword over a quill any day of the week. The realm of video games is not a very peaceful place in general, and as such it has developed an impressively extensive array of weapons. While there are too many awesome instruments of destruction out there to count, we’ve whittled it down to this list. Here are the Top 10 video game weapons.
10. Plasma Cutter (Dead Space): I think what makes the Plasma Cutter so cool is what it’s used for. If our introduction to it had been just using it to kill a bunch of generic space mercenaries or something, it wouldn’t be on this list, and Isaac Clarke would have been just another space marine/janitor. Luckily for him, our first order of duty was to use this magnificent tool to thwart a Necromorph attack, and it turns out that thing is pretty useful for cutting off limbs, slicing tentacles and making a perfect bagel. The Dead Space franchise has spread through three games, a downloadable prequel and multiple movies, and they are still struggling to come up with a weapon that players would discard their plasma cutters for. Good luck.
9. Portal Gun (Portal): I’ll be honest: I knew I wanted this on the list, but at first I was given pause by the question “Is it a weapon?” Then I thought, “Well, you can murder turrets with it”, and, hypothetically speaking, you could cause a whole lot of damage with that thing if you had it in the real world. Chyeah, that thing is totally a weapon. It kind of actually sucks for Chell though, when you think about it. She (un)lucks into this earth-shattering device, and then is forced to do nothing but jump through a murderous AI’s metaphorical hoops with it. That would be like giving somebody a cheesecake, then telling them they can only throw baseballs at it….I’m not good with metaphors.
8. Banana Bomb (Worms): Few weapons, in any medium, cause as much pure damage and destruction as the Banana Bomb. It may look innocuous enough, but that little fruit can cause more mayhem than Chris Brown at a Slap Jack tournament. When thrown, the Banana Bomb explodes into a bunch of smaller, but still delicious, bananas that then themselves explode, causing one huge fruitastic explosion. Pro tip: Drill a hole about five worm-lengths into the ground, teleport (or preferably ninja rope) every worm into said hole, and detonate a banana bomb. It is the single greatest thing ever, and not at all a complete and utter waste of time and framerate. Popcorn optional, but recommended.
7. Wabbajack (Skyrim): EHRMEGERD THE WABBAJACK. I’m sorry, I get a little excited when I talk about this weapon, and I accidently had my caps lock on anyway, so, yeah. If you perform a little task for Sheogorath, the Prince of Madness, he grants you with his personal staff, the Wabbajack. It’s this nifty piece of wood that can do anything…literally. The Wabbajack is a staff that can do anything to anybody. Maybe it deals some damage, maybe it gives somebody a flame cloak, or perhaps it turns them into a frost troll. That was one way to get rid of that pesky “wife”. Once, because apparently I fed a starving child (who was also on fire) that day, it turned my assassination target into a sweet roll. Cannabalism has never been so delicious.
6. Blades of Chaos (God of War): Yes, Kratos is awesome. We know this. We also know that his trademark weapons, the inimitable Blades of Chaos, are super sweet. But it begs the question: Are the blades awesome because they are wielded by Kratos the Ashy Badass, or is Powder: Greece cool because he has these fruitastic blades? Yes, fruitastic can now be applied to non-fruit weapons. Deal with it. The point is, here we have blades that are fused to one’s forearms and can inevitably be upgraded to have a Goddess’s surname yet still look the exact same and have the exact same functionality. When in Sparta, do as the Spartans do. Murder.
5. Michael Vick (Madden NFL 2004): Some competitive video games struggle with balance. Tecmo Bowl had Bo Jackson running circles around everybody. Goldeneye 64 featured Oddjob sneaking around karate chopping people in the thigh area. NBA games have teams that aren’t the Cavs. However, none of them quite match the unfairness of picking the Falcons in Madden NFL 2004. Michael Vick. That dude. No matter what defense you choose, personnel package you run or codes you enter, Vick was almost guaranteed to account for 500 yards of offense personally, easy. It didn’t even matter if the person playing as him was any good or not, he would just, like, take over and run the offense himself. It wasn’t even fair. Insert dog joke here, if you wish.
4. BFG9000 (Doom): Aaah, the BFG. Gaming’s first…..well, its first BFG, I guess. That’s really the only comparison there is. First introduced in the original Doom, the BFG has since obliterated its way right into our hearts, and, incidentally, every alien heart that dare have a chest between the two. The BFG has had a few different incarnations in the Doom series, and even managed to sneak in a few cameos in Quake as well, albeit with a few differences. The original is still my favorite though, as it represents everything right with video games. Namely killing aliens and hell monsters with a BFG. Classic. The Rock tried to sully the good gun with the moniker Bio Force Gun, but, come on. We know what’ s really going on.
3. Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2): Who knew physics could be so fun? Despite not really being a gun in any traditional sense, the Gravity Gun nonetheless is pure awesome. Half-Life 2 released when developers were just starting to get ahold of the tech behind realistic physics in games, so of course Valve used them in the best way possible. The Gravity Gun basically allows you to pick up, hold, carry and launch just about anything except, unfortunately, Alyx. I guess she is immune to gravity (enjoy it while it lasts, sweetheart). The concept has been repeated ad naseum since, but picking that sucker up for the first time was truly something special.
2. Blue Turtle Shell (Mario Kart): The Blue Turtle shell sucks. Yeah, I said it. It does. It seems to have one purpose, and one purpose only: knocking you out of first place at the last second so an NPC can swoop in and take the checkered flag. It may be traumatizing to run four and 4/5s of a perfect run only to lose it all at the end, but that is exactly what makes the Blue Turtle Shell so ridiculously powerful. Few other weapons can as swiftly and directly impact a match as a Blue Turtle Shell, and you have to appreciate it. Not like it, perhaps, but appreciate it. Any weapon that can cause as much anger, frustration and yes, crying, (it was once, okay!) deserves to be here.
1. Cerebral Bore (Turok): Turok didn’t do everything right, but give him this, the guy knew how to flesh out an arsenal. He could kill you with knives, bows, guns, rockets; if it is sharp and/or explosive, chances are Turok has wielded it before. However, nothing in his bag of tricks quite matches the Cerebral Bore. The Cerebral Bore is a sphere that, when thrown, seeks out the nearest target, locates his/her/its head, and, as the name implies, bores into it. Then explodes. Kinda gives a new meaning to the term “feels like my head is exploding”….well, not really I guess. Same meaning, just literal in this sense. Although, if one was Cerebral Bore’d, they would probably be incapable of speech…you know what, I’m getting off topic here. Cerebral Bore FTW!