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Top 10 Impractical Robot Masters

Before they turned all crazy and started building their own theme stages, the Robot Masters from the classic Mega Man games were all developed for a purpose.  However, this was the early nineties, so things didn't necessarily need to "make sense".  These ten guys went beyond ludicrous though.  Here are the Top 10 Impractical Robot Masters.

10.  Knight Man:  I suppose Knight Man could have been built as a curiosity, something to stick in the 200X Renaissance Fair, but that does beg the question as to why you would give it advanced weaponry and sentience.  I seriously can't think of any reason why they would do that, so I can only assume it was built by some mentally handicapped billionaire as a bodyguard, so it's not really that surprising that he turned into an evil boss.  I mean, you give a robot a giant spiked mace, and he's probably going to kill somebody with it.  Just saying.  Those things are dangerous.

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9.  Snake Man:  Obviously built to scare adolescent girls and schoolteachers, Snake Man must have had a very awkward young life.  I guess he got used to people yelping in surprise whenever he walked into a room, eventually, but I doubt he ever got used to the fact that everything on Earth recoiled in repulsion if he tried to touch them.  Or hug them.  Shake their hands, give high-fives, thumb wrestle...Anything, really.  I'm sure there's a really sad story somewhere in there about a poor ostracized robot and the results of his torment, but I don't care.  I f**king hate snakes.

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8.  Tomahawk Man:  Was Tomahawk built for a history museum?  I hope so, because the alternative is probably a vaguely racist gig at some low-rent casino somewhere, and if that is the case I don't blame him for going postal on humanity.  However, I can't forgive the fact that Tomahawk Man's weakness is the ridiculous Plant Barrier you get from beating the equally ridiculous Plant Man.  Despite that fact that tomahawks are custom built for chopping through foliage, he goes down like a sack of heavy stupid when confronted with a flower.  What a loser.

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7.  Skull Man:  If Skull Man wasn't created by some creepy serial killer, then I really, truly want to know what exactly his purpose for being is.  I'm sure Halloween is a real busy season for him and all, but I can't imagine there's much call for a weird skeleton robot even in the future.  Especially in the future, actually, because apparently Snake Man has all the big "scare my children" jobs lined up already.  So that leaves acting.  I heard he got an Oscar nomination for his Yorick in Hamlet, but went on a murderous rampage before he reprise his role in the sequel.

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6.  Dive Man:  Now, I'm not saying that a robot created for the sole purpose of diving is dumb or impractical, quite the contrary I suppose, but look at that guy.  They should really call him Sink Man, because if that dude goes under, there is no way he's coming back up again.  I mean seriously, he has to weigh like a ton, and that is all metal.  I see no floatation devices or an attempt at conveying buoyancy in his design, so it only seems logical that he was meant to dive into a lake of syrup.  I think that one is in Molasses Man's stage.

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5.  Slash Man:  Of all the robot masters on this list, Slash Man looks the most useful, but there is a key thing you must consider here.  These robots were made to perform manual duties that we humans are too lazy or inept to do.  That said, what the hell was Slash Man's purpose?  Because he looks like he was built with the sole intention of brutally murdering people.  Objectively, if somebody else created a Wolverine-ish robot, named him Slash Man, and then acted surprised when it freaking murdered everything, I would have little sympathy for them.  Maybe if they had named him Kabob Man...

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4.  Pharaoh Man:  Ok,I understand that Capcom needed a pyramid level to show off their sweet new sandstorm graphics, but really?  Pharaoh Man?  As far as I know, pharaohs didn't have any special sand-related powers, but I am pretty sure that is offensive to somebody.  What is he supposed to do?  Outside of blinding people and slowly eroding things away, I can't think of a single practical reason for having a Pharaoh Man.  I wouldn't even want one for Christmas.  I will give them credit for at least picking a suitable monarch to emulate.  Queen Man would have just been disturbing.

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3.  Toad Man:  Toad Man is double stupid.  Not only is the whole idea of a Toad Man completely absurd, but his move, the Rain Flush, is perhaps the dumbest move in the history of Mega Man.  It's nice that Mega Man can literally make it rain, but the offensive applications of that seem somewhat limited.  In addition to all that, he is probably the easiest boss in the series history.  Here is how the battle goes with Toad Man:  He jumps to the right of the screen.  He starts to shoot his trademark Rain Flush, but you hit with a single shot to cancel it out.  He jumps to the left side of the stage.  Repeat until dead.  Cry.  Move onto Bright Man.

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2.  Centaur Man:  AAAH!  AAAAHHHH!  WHAT THE F---  That is pretty much everybody's reaction when they see Centaur Man for the first time.  He was obviously built to give juvenile delinquents rides around the park in the hopes of "scaring them straight", but that plan was scrapped when they realized it was completely nonsensical and self-defeating.  I never thought that Centaur Man deserved the honorable death that Mega Man gives him, but always hoped that the Blue Bomber would just hop on and ride that stupid Centaur all the way to Wily's castle.

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1.  Top Man:  I'm sure that Top Man was a big hit at the bar mitzvahs of 200X, but other than that admittedly comical job, what did Top Man do with his time.  Breakdance?  Enter people's dreams with Leonardo DiCaprio?  Try to fall off the table and keep spinning?  Honestly, I'm surprised the other robot masters even let Top Man join them.  They must have been really desperate to fill that eight spot, and I guess he did at least have his own theme stage.  It too was based on tops...so...yeeeeah.  He wins.

(Leviathyn)

 

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