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Some characters single-handedly steal our hearts with an indominitable will or through sheer force of personality. Here are the Top 10 characters that don't do that all.
10. Cloud (FFVII): Sure Cloud looks cool, and he does have that whole "I saved the world" thing going for him, but Cloud doesn't really have much else going for him. He's pretty much just a skinny blonde kid with emo-spiked hair who never seems to understand what's going on. Seriously, the best part of the game is when he is replaced as your avatar by the infinitely cooler Cid. When he does talk, he basically says one of two things: 1) "I don't care." (Disc 1) and 2) "OK, I totally do care." (Discs 2 & 3). In a nutshell, that's it. Even when he gets his own freaking movie, he manages to experience zero growth as a character, instead resorting to his signature "ruffle hair and shrug move." Maybe he needs a hobby?
9. Shepard Mass Effect): Yes, Shepard headbutts aliens, dances like mentally ill marionette and tells people he should go, but none of those things really make him cool. In fact, Shepard's coolness ceiling is limited by how cool the player is, and since an estimated 100% of video game players have never shot a geth in the head nor slept with a single Asari, Shepard's cool potential is actually fairly low. When you add in the fact that the only two personality traits he really has is annoying guy with hero complex and flat-out d**k, Shepard is really an unlikeable person with no apparent reason to have around. Plus, he's buddies with Kaiden. Do you really want to hang out with someone like that?
8. Marcus Fenix (Gears of War): Marcus Fenix has two ways of dealing with issues: Get angry and shoot it, or get really angry and shoot it. That's it. Hell, even his friends (not exactly prom kings themselves) groan when Marcus comes into the room. Even after beating the Locust threat, saving the Earth and putting his demons to rest, he sulks around the party like a whiny teenager until Anya finally comes and gives him the "what's wrong, sport?" talk. Not in a romantic way, mind; Marcus couldn't get the last woman on Earth to date him. I mean that, literally. Anya appears to be the last woman on Earth, and clearly wants no part of that. Why would anybody else?
7. Starkiller (Start Wars: The Force Unleashed): Starkiller, listen to me: A lightsaber doesn't make you cool. Neither does your ridiculous name...that is all.
6. The Boy (Secret of Mana): In one way, I feel sorry for the boy. Poor guy falls off a log while playing with his friends, and lands right next to a sweet freaking sword in the middle of nowhere. Not only does he need a blade to clear the foliage to get home, but it's a FREAKING SWORD in the middle of nowhere. Who wouldn't take it? As a result, he gets banned from his village, sent on an impossible quest that nobody seems to understand and, worst of all, his name is Randi. Yes, with an I. He treks around the world killing monsters with a beautiful girl at his side, but his dull personality removes any and all sexual tension from the situation. They don't even seem to like him that much.
5. Isaac Clarke (Dead Space): Behold, the hero of the future! An... electrical engineer? Don't laugh, you have to go to school for that, I think. They don't just give you that job. Anyway, Isaac is boring even by electrical engineer standards. He doesn't even talk throughout the first game, managing only a *fail* facepalm in a moment of huge emotional significance. Despite the fact that he is steadily losing his mind in the second game, they still don't manage to make him interesting, even though his situation is.
4. Master Chief (Halo): How did the hope of the human race get pinned on this guy? I mean, I know he has regenerating health, and he's not bad with a gun, but he is capable of a far more sinister power: He can completely suck the life out of any atmosphere he walks into. And I don't mean with a bullet. Worse, it's like he is aware of his charismatic shortcomings, and tried to, I don't know, hire someone to make him cooler. "Alright, John, just say something witty like 'Did 'ya miss me?'. Yes, John, you told me you need a weapon. I don't have-. (sigh) Fine, just stick with those." Maybe 343 can inject a little life into this guy, because its pretty bad when your AI friend has more personality than you do.
3. Michael Thorton (Alpha Protocol): What can I say about Michael Thorton that hasn't already been said about Keanu Reeves? He's dull, lifeless and thinks carrying a gun and wearing sunglasses makes you cool. Well, those two things would actually make you cool normally, but they manage to make it sincerely stupid. You get my point. Even a picture of him dual-wielding SMGs doesn't inspire anything at all. Thorton is purportedly a secret agent, even the fact that he has the most interesting job in the world can't save him from being as exciting as last night's pizza. Maybe he should choose a profession a little closer to his personality type, like shoe salesman.
2. Gordon Freeman (Half-Life): If there was one person I would never take with me to a party, it would be Gordon Freeman. I mean the man doesn't say a word, wears a pair of glasses that Rivers Cuomo accidently dropped and permanently carries a crowbar and a scowl. Plus he's a scientist, and you know how they are. I have the feeling that, long after the Half-Life series and over and Freeman is telling his grandkids the tale, they simply won't care. Not because the story isn't awesome, but because the person it happened to suck so badly. And he does. He sucks so bad. I hope Valve isn't trying to make him interesting as a character o anything, because that would take years...oh my God.
1. Link (The Legend of Zelda): Link. Ugh. Is there anything about Link that is not annoying? He speaks not in words, but in grunts and squeals. He keeps company with a weird pedophile in a unitard and a whining fairy. He runs around breaking people's jars and stealing their rupees. He kicks chickens, for no reason at all. He will destroy any wall, bush, door or tree that gets in his way, without remorse. The list goes on and on. But the thing that gets me the most? The thing that is truly unforgiveable, Link? The fact that, despite all these horrible character flaws, everything thinks you're the big hero. You, sir, are nothing but a big bully and a dullard. Good day.