Everyone wants a portal gun. That’s a fact. You might argue that you do not know what a portal gun is, but I can assure that if you knew what it was, you would want one. You might even say you do know what a portal gun is, yet despite that, you still don’t want one. In that case you would be a filthy liar. As it so happens, video games have all sorts of weapons, items and abilities we desperately want in real life, just like the portal gun. It can be depressing to realize that all those fancy things are not available to you personally. You might even be jealous. But you shouldn’t be, because not all video game equipment would be of any worth to you. Some of them would actually be a burden. Which is why I have composed a list of video game items that you do NOT want to get your mind off the fact you can’t have a portal gun.

1. Iron boots (Legend of Zelda)


What good are boots that slow you down? Link may be able to use them to sink in water, but you can go under water by learning how to swim. They’re heavy, noisy, and if you wear them in the rain or walk through a puddle they’ll probably rust. And don’t be thinking they can still be useful just because Link can use them to resist getting knocked over by a rolling goron. What good would iron boots do against oncoming traffic? 

2. Buster cannon (Megaman)

It might be fun to shoot everywhere with a laser gun forearm for a few minutes. Then your arm would get tired and you would realize you have a heavy weight permanently attached to your limb, a weight that completely forbids the use of one of your hands. Fight sequences are much rarer in real life then in games, so most of the time you wouldn’t need it. Instead, you would live in constant fear of sneezing or accidently shooting yourself in your sleep. And try playing video games with a hunk of metal for a hand. Not worth the ability to shoot energy beams is it?

3. Morph ball (Metroid)

Unlike the Metroid universe, real life is not tailored to have areas only accessible by bowling balls. You don’t have to be a yoga master to fit inside, but allegedly it makes you fit by turning your body into pure condensed energy. Even if that process is painless, (It sure sounds painful) the only way to steer would be to roll head over heels really fast. I’m not sure if souls trapped inside metal spheres can get motion sick, but it can’t be a pleasant form of travel. And if you rolled around in your neighborhood like that it wouldn’t be long before some punk kids started using you for a game of kickball.

4. Energy Sword (Halo)

Light sabers are pretty cool, but having an energy sword would be so much cooler right? Wrong. One of the reasons real swords make for such good weapons is that they can’t run out of ammo. The energy sword stops working after ten uses, assuming you acquire one that’s brand new. So when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives or you get jumped by a group of thugs or something, and the only weapon you have is an energy sword, guess how many it will take to kill you tops? That’s right, eleven. But you probably wouldn’t even good enough to do that because you never even practiced with it before out of fear of using it up. 

5. Hover boots (Legend of Zelda again)

These are nothing like Percy Jackson’s winged tennis shoes. All these things do is let you walk on thin air for a few seconds longer before you fall to your death, that’s the only benefit. But to make things worse, these boots also eliminate friction when you wear them, which mean wearing them would be like walking on ice in your socks all the time. You might argue that with practice they could be used like roller skates, and you might be right. You could glide downhill with ease. The only problem would be stopping. The only way to bring the friction back is to remove the boots. If you think that sounds easy, clearly you have never tried to take off your shoes while running.

½. Portal gun that can only shoot blue portals (Portal)

Probably the worst video game item you could ever have in real life, because in the real world there are no corresponding orange portals to be found. All you would be able to do is shoot blue portals at flat surfaces and wish you could go through them. Worse yet, the gun looks exactly like the full-fledged both color shooting version, so it would serve as a constant reminder of your bleak, pathetic, meaningless existence without a real portal gun. How could you bear to look at that blue-only shooting device hanging on your bedroom wall every day?

And so folks, now you can see why having video game items aren’t always a good thing. Many of them would be worthless to you, and others would slow you down. So the next time you’re feeling down because you can’t bring your video game equipment to the real world, don’t be. It might not be as fun as you think. As for portal guns though, you should totally be envious. Because having one of those things would be the coolest thing ever. Too bad that’s impossible.