To be perfectly honest, I could not think of a good way to introduce this next blog entry. It really came to me while I was driving to work this morning and thinking about New Year’s resolutions and how absurd they really are for most people as they tend to fail very quickly. I then decided on the best business idea I have ever come up with: The Skyrim Rehab Facility, a resort-style rehabilitation facility to help with Skyrim addiction. Just for you, I have put together the pitch for new clients.

We at the Skyrim Rehab Facility understand the difficulties inherent in overcoming your addiction. Our goal is to help remind you of the other games out there and that simply placing a basket over a store owner’s head will not prevent them from catching you while you try and run away with all of their goods.

To accomplish this goal, we have assembled a multi-faceted plan to help you.

Detox Period
The first stage to recovery is to run each patient through a natural detoxification program. During this time, you will play only multiplayer games that do not involve quests, dragons, or the ability to wantonly obliterate an entire village’s population just because you can. Co-op games are permitted so long as they do not include fantasy and role-playing games like Fable and adhere to the other requirements mentioned above.

Dietary Plan
We know that the detoxification period will be difficult and you may begin to believe the juice you are drinking is really a potion of extreme healing or a draught of strength. To help avoid these delusions, our dietary program is designed to avoid anything that may appear in the game. This includes: salt piles, glowing mushrooms, raw beef, venison, bone meal, wheat, flowers, etc… 

Yep, water is basically all it is...

Our practitioners of the ancient art of acupuncture have narrowed down the “Dovakhiin nerves” near the left and right thumbs which cause uncontrollable spasms and daydreaming of climbing snowy mountains while at school or work. Using their skills hands and needles, our acupuncturists can reduce these urges, allowing you to focus on the mundane parts of life without wondering where the next stone of Berenziah is hidden.

Right about....there

Physical and Cultural Therapy
Our facility includes physical fitness equipment to help you get over the thought that you cannot go outside and have fun because of an arrow you once took to the knee or the belief that a dragon or bear will descend upon you out of the blue.

Our cultural therapy includes musical therapy, whereby no Nord-sounding music is played; sticking solely to heavy metal and gangster rap with no mention of Dovakhiin.

Our cultural therapy also includes access to the many other outstanding game titles from 2011, including: Uncharted 3, Batman: Arkham City, Gears of War 3, Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, and Portal 2. We also provide access to many classical games to prove to you that great games existed even before Skyrim.

Job Coaching and Interview Skills

For many, we understand you may have lost jobs because you were huddled in your darkened homes at all hours, stuck in the world of Skyrim and may have lost your jobs. For those in this predicament, we offer assistance in the preparation of resumes, helping you avoid using the number of shouts you have mastered as a job qualification. We also provide important job interview skills so you can avoid telling your potential employer of your abilities to infuse two enchantments in a single object as you have maxed out your Enchantment abilities. We also teach techniques to help you stop saying “Hail Sithis!” at every interview.

Support Groups
Our support groups are always here to help you once you leave the resort facility. Just give us a call and we will happily discuss subjects outside of the next quest in the Companion’s quest-line or the best way to assassinate someone at their wedding. All it takes is one phone call, and you’ll be back on track to normal video game sanity.

*The claims stated above may or may not be true. This facility is not sponsored by Bethesda or its subsidiaries. It may, or may not, be sponsored by companies such as Activision or EA, whose games have suffered declines in its loyal players. This facility does not accept any medical insurance because…well…it doesn’t exist, but I’ll take your money anyway.