Gamers like to talk about all the games they've played, and grumpy gamers like to dump on others who haven't played that one obscure game nobody really cares about anyway. What, you've never played Mickey Mousecapade? (You should probably keep it that way – the game is almost impossible.)

So, instead of a list of all the cool games I've played and you haven't, here's a list of games I haven't played but you probably have – complete with my shallow, noob impressions of each title.

1. Gears of War

Is this game about guns, or something? Because it looks like it's about guns. Guns and tough guys. Wait, holy cats, are those women? Are there two women in this game? Also, wouldn't "Cogs of War" have been a better title? Or maybe "Chess Pieces of War?"

Oh baby. Who's that sexy, dark, and mysterious fellow on the right? Dark Pit, you say?
I'll show you a dark pit.

2. Kid Icarus

THIS. IS. SPARTAAAA. Didn't we learn in, like, eighth-grade English class that Icarus was pretty stupid? Yeah, let's attach wax wings to our backs and then fly into the sun. Seems legit.

3. EarthBound

It's about a boy, and he has this amazing baseball bat that can hit people clear across maps in Smash Bros. Am I getting close? Apparently it's also pretty philosophical, or whatever. It was also originally called "Mother (2)," which means the main character probably has bad mommy issues. Maybe he goes on a killing rampage with his bat because his mommy didn't love him enough?

4. Animal Crossing

I once owned Nintendogs, which I guess is kind of like Animal Crossing, in that if you don't pay enough attention to the needy little bastards inside your game, they rebel or think you don't care about them and run away or stop sending you presents or let weeds take over your garden. Anyway, I couldn't handle the stress of Nintendogs, so I sold the game. Lassie, come home! I'm sorry I patted your head only thirty times, and you needed forty! I could never play Animal Crossing.

"Time to make some babies. And by 'make some babies,' I mean 'brown some meat.' Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaall?" -a thing my husband once said

5. Every Madden Ever

Do I even really need to defend this? I don't like football. There. Boom. Done.

Please tell me this is a real screenshot

6. Conker's Bad Fur Day

I know this is, like, the holy grail of naughty cartoon games that parents inadvertently bought for their horny twelve-year-old kids, but it creeped me out when it was first released, and it creeps me out now. I'm cool with you furry folk doing your thing (whatever floats your boat, man), but I'll pass.

HONK HONK BEEP BEEP GET OUT THE WAY I'M A SEXY CAR

7. Need for Speed

I will kick your sorry butt in Mario Kart Wii any day (I liked the Wii version. Sue me.), and Smashing Drive for the GameCube was the best Crazy Taxi knockoff this side of 1999, but I have close to no interest in Need for Speed. Like, CARS, MAN. Cool. No.

8. Q*bert

Don't pretend like you've played this game, either.

Now it's your turn to ditch your nerd cred. Which popular games have you never played?

Ali is a former Game Informer editorial intern and is currently a master's student at the University of Minnesota, where she studies games, virtual communities, manga, and other nerdy crap. Follow her on Twitter, Tumblr, TwitchTV, or her personal blog.