King was tending to his garden on a warm Spring's eve. He stood watering his tomatoes, singing songs to his squash, and fondling his pumpkins. It was quite the garden. That is until Scorpion scissor kicked a portal right through the center of it.

"Oh crap." King said to himself. He knew where this was going.

"GET OVER HERE." Scorpion said, as his manliness sent oddly sexual chills down King's spine. Then he launched a spear into King's chest and pulled his frail little gardening body towards himself. And then headbutted his way back to that place where all the Mortal Kombat tournaments are held and stuff.


King awoke to the loud sound of the ellipses above. The gaping hole that Scorpion created now gone.

"Where...where am I?" King asked no one in particular as he looked around what was clearly a place in which a** beatings took place.

"Welcome to *insert realm that Mortal Kombat takes place in here*." A man with a wicked sweet Foo Man Chu mustache said to King. "We brought you here to compete in our tournament. You have certain...talents, that qualified you for this competition."

"Can I just not be in this? My Strawberries will be coming in any day now, I really don't have time for another one of Le Hannibal's GaMe's."

"Le Hannibal is clearly awesome. You should feel HONORED to be in one of his games."

"Who said that?" The Foo Man Chu, dude asked. The two of them then look around the room. Puzzled.

"Okay well since I clearly won't be leaving this thing, do I at least get some sort of prize?" King finally asked.

"Prize?" Foo Man Chu dude questioned. "Hmmm...well there's this." He then lifted his kimono thingie and showed King his...prize.

"OH MY-SERIOUSLY PUT THAT AWAY." King cried out in disgust as he shielded his eyes.

"If you insist." The dude says as he puts it away.

"Can we please establish your name so that we don't have to keep calling you Foo Man Chu dude?" King asked impatiently.

"Oh it's Shang Tsung, and we've wasted waaaay too much time with ridiculousness. FIGHT." Shang Tsung said as he maid a karate chop motion signaling the fights beginning.

Instantly a dragon kick connected with King's face. "AW, WHAT THE?" King cried out.

"Meet your opponent, Sub Zero!" Shang Tsung exclaimed, clearly aroused by the oncoming fight.

"Sub Zero? You mean the dude making the ice ball in the picture above? No way." King protested. But his pansyish warning fell on deaf ears as Sub Zero proceeded to throat chop King. King responded with a well executed "vomit your throat up" technique.

A frozen body and two jump kicks later, King lay on his back completely unwilling to continue the fight. "Seriously...all you do in these things is hurt people Hannibal." King spouted.

Then, wanting to prove King wrong, Le Hannibal used his god-like writers powers to turn King into a fire breathing koala, with chainsaws for fingers and a beard.

Roughly three thousand times the man he once was, King made quick work of Sub Zero, by chopping his face up with his chainsaw fingers.

Somehow Sub Zero managed to survive the face mutilation long enough for Shang Tsung to squeal out in an overly sensual voice, "FINISH HIM."

Koala King then lit his body on fire not with his breath...but with his heart. Yes King also has a heart/flamethrower in his chest. Go figure.

All that remained of (the most overrated Mortal Kombat character ever) Sub Zero, was a pile of ash. But before King could do a victorious safety dance, Scorpion re-entered the story. He immediately teleported behind king and double kicked him in the back of his Koala head.

King, feeling inspired from his recent victory, then sprung across the room letting out the battle cry of a middle aged woman. Scorpion countered this mad move, with a freaking spear, to the freaking face. King fell to the ground, extra hole in face and all.

"How can this be? I'M A FREAKING FIRE BREATHING KOALA WITH CHAINSAW FINGERS." King cried out in disbelief.

"And a beard." Scorpion said in his totally baller voice. "But! You judged Hannibal's writing which is TOTALLY not cool. Also I'm easily the second coolest Mortal Kombat character."

"Who's the first?" King asked, hole still in face.

But before Scorpion could answer a razor hat split him in half both VERTICALLY aaaand HORIZONTALLY. "Kung Lao of course!" Kung Lao said. Cause he's awesome.

"FIGHT." Shang Tsung said, after feeling that he was about to be forgotten.

I wish I could say that King fought the good fight, and went back home to tend to his garden. I wish I could say that Kung Lao went easy on King, and went back to his Shaolin temple after crushing everyone in the tournament. Well...Kung Lao totally won the tournament and got all the Shaolin ladies, but he also murdered the ever loving CRAP out of King.


Beasting since the 90's

Sorry King. I kinda went insane from lack of sleep about a quarter of the way through. Hope you enjoyed my nonsense! :D