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First Nintendo created the gem that is Super Smash Bros, and
then Sony conscientiously ripped off their formula with Playstation All-Stars.
Now all that’s left is for Microsoft to take a swing at the mash-up fighting
game concept. Many think that Microsoft lacks the character roster needed for a proper fighting game, aside from Master Chief and Marcus Fenix. But if Microsoft is
willing to think outside the box, and get the support of some third-party
developers, they could assemble their own Smash Bros competitor. Here are my
suggestions for the character roster…
Steve’s standard attacks would be performed with his trusty
pickaxe (he could just use his sword and bow, but that would be boring) and he
could block attacks by quickly stacking up dirt blocks. His more devastating
moves would involve pouring buckets of water and lava on his opponents, setting
dynamite, and planting cacti all across the stage.
His Ultimate, Super-Powerful Screen-Filling move would
involve him putting a saddle on a pig and riding it. This would accomplish… nothing.
Meat Boy (Super Meat Boy)
Meat Boy should be faster than any other character in the
game- at the cost of having pitiful damage resistance. Most players would give
up on playing as Meat Boy after they realize he dies after just a few hits, but
the patient few who master his playstyle will discover Meat Boy’s intended
purpose: a way of trolling your friends. Jump to a spot where none of your
opponents can reach you, then exploit Meat Boy’s incredible speed to run
towards the other players, land a few hits, then jump away before any of them
can touch you. Rinse and Repeat.
Meat Boy’s ultimate move would summon thousands of his
doppelgangers to fill the stage, causing damage to opponents (a reference to
the replay shown at the end of each level in Super Meat Boy).
Raz needs to cameo in this game solely for the reason that
it might increase our chances of getting a Psychonauts sequel. Anyway, Raz’s
psychic powers would make a natural moveset for a fighting game. Telekinesis,
pyro kinesis, and that big orange hand Raz uses to smash things would all make
for awesome attacks. But honestly, Microsoft could probably get away with making
Raz play exactly the way Ness does in Super Smash Bros.
Raz’s ultimate move could just be some big, psychic
explosion. But he deserves better than that. His best move should be a psychic
wave that causes his opponent’s brain to pop out of his or her head. Said
brains would fall at random across the stage, and the affected players would be
unable to use attacks until they have recovered their respective brains. And if
Player 1 accidentally gets Player 2’s brain, then Player 2 will gain control of
Player 1’s character. THAT is a special move worthy of a Double Fine character.
All of the characters created by
It’s easy to forget about Twisted Pixel in a discussion of
Xbox exclusives, because they mainly develop XBLA titles. But Twisted Pixel has
enough memorable characters to make up half the roster of an Xbox fighting
game. The Maw could eat other characters the same way as Kirby, Captain Smiley
and the Gunstringer would use a mix of guns and hand-to-hand combat, ‘Splosion
Man can explode on people, and Ms. ‘Splosion Man would also explode on people-
while singing annoying pop songs.
The best ultimate move I can think of here is one for
Captain Smiley: the developers of
Twisted Pixel interrupt the game, walk in front of the screen, and artificially lower the health of Smiley’s opponents.
The Paperclip (Microsoft Word)
The Paperclip’s attacks revolve around pestering enemies
with unneeded instructions and offers to help. He would also have the ability
to feign death by simply disappearing from the screen for a while- and then
popping up again to cause the other fighters further irritation.
The Paperclip’s ultimate move would begin with another
player accidentally selecting “yes” when Paperclip asks if he or she wants help. The
stage would fill with pop-ups explaining how to perform rudimentary actions in
the game, such as “Move LS left to move left”. If players touch these pop-ups,
they will become immobilized and susceptible to attack until they get through
In Super Smash Bros, Samus has a move where she can power up
an energy ball, and the damage it does to other characters depends on how much
she powered it up. That’s how Peter’s attacks would work. When the player
presses the action button, Peter Molyneux begins talking about a game he’s
developing- making big promises, describing gameplay scenarios, and otherwise
hyping it up. Press the action button again as Peter is talking and he will
pull out a copy of the game and throw it at his opponent. If you spent enough
time hyping the game up, this will deliver massive damage to your opponent as
they realize it isn’t nearly as good as Peter Molyneux made
it out to be.
What’s Peter Molyneux’s ultimate move? DLC. An offer to buy
DLC appears on screen. Most of it is just new colors for clothing and new collars for
your virtual dog.