5 Heroes Who Need to go to Jail - jacktheglueman Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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5 Heroes Who Need to go to Jail

So here I am again blogging. I apologize in advance if there are any spelling errors or the writing just gets awful at the end. (Or quite possibly the beginning) because I am at my grandmothers house and her computer has a few problems. 

1. Awful Keyboard

2. No word processor

3. Stuck in the smallest room in the house that gets absolutely no AC so the room is close to a bijillion degrees...and yes that was real science. 

Now back to the show...

 

For some reason most often we hold our video game heroes up as the pinnacle of heroism. Believing that they can do no wrong, and the actions that they do take are nothing but attempts at good deeds. 

Well I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. Dead wrong. In-fact you couldn't be more wrong. The people you believe to be your heroes, friends, or maybe even some weird virtual family are nothing but evil people pushed by grief and evilness. So much evilness. Here are the top 5 video game heroes that need to be arrested 

5. 

Cole McGrath

Charged With: Robbery 

You know I had a neighbor who stole another neighbor's cable once, they were not amused when they found out. Well Cole seems to think that stealing is okay as long as you have super powers. I'm not talking about Evil Cole, I'm talking about, blue lightening electricity stealing Good Cole. 

Every time you walk past a sign, light pole, transformer, or little kid's Gameboy you zap all of the electricity out of it. You as a 'hero' can stand on top of a random dude's car and steal all the electricity in his battery. 

So many things are wrong with this, first of all does he not understand that by doing this that some one is going to have to pay for his electricity? I feel bad for the man that was just let off his work and came home to find a $10,000 electricity bill because some crazy man flew over his house. It really isn't fair. 

When Cole takes someone's car's battery juice does he not understand that it may be hard to find another one? Especially when your city is kept away from the rest of the world. Cole is a dirty, rotten stealer who deserves to be arrested. Or at least he could pay for his electricity bill. 

4. 

Pac-Man

Charged With: Drug-Use/Canniablism

You know, I think this is a character we really need to step back and look at the entire pictures. Look at a map without pac-man. It's just a bunch of ghosts with cute names walking around alley-ways.  

And then out of nowhere BAM! Crazy yellow man starts running around eating smaller versions of him. It's like he eats his babies! Then when the ghosts try to stop him and save the children Pac-Man eats a large baby and he gets all hyped-up on drugs. So he eats GHOSTS!

He's insane, the man needs to be put down. He's eating his own kind and then he takes acid and attacks the spirits of the children he just nom-nom'd. It's disgusting and makes me sick. I can't stand looking in the little yellow man's direction without dialing 9-1-1. 

3. 

Altair/Ezio


Charged With: Murder, Stealing, Vandalism, Assault, Possession of Illegal weaponry, Impersonating Religious Figures, Refusal to Cooperate with Police

I feel there is no easy way to explain myself with this without going down the list one by one....

Murder: I mean come on, he's a freaking assassin. Which is all find and dandy I guess if he's doing it for the "greater-good" but killing guards because he chooses not to be sneaky, or wait for a better moment? Well that's just being lazy and I don't respect that. 

Stealing: Flags. Yep, those weren't his. 

Vandalism: Flags again. It's a stretch but I don't care.

Assault: You know what find, kill evil men, kill their guards but for the love of God you think you could walk through a mob of people without shoving them all down? First of all that isn't very secret or quiet, nor is it nice. And being nice rocks. 

Possession of Illegal Weaponry: You know what makes Altair and Ezio different from all the other people walking around in a public area? They aren't carrying swords, knives, more knives, smaller swords, smoke bombs, cross bows, wrist guns....did I forget anything? 

Impersonating Religious Figures: I don't really know if this is illegal but I feel it should be. Altair and Ezio though it was okay to pretend to be praying as long as it got them away from evil guards looking to PROTECT THEIR CITY FROM CRAZY ROOF JUMPING MANIACS!.

Refusal to Cooperate with Police: One minute Ezio is being questioned by authorities the next minute he's roof jumping and hiding in stacks of hay, attempting to hide from men who probably just wanted his side of the story.

 

2. 

Nathan Drake


Charged With: Murder x100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

You know I could probably let Nathan's stealing slide because he's discovering amazing secret worlds in our own backyard. (Destroying them not 20 minutes later but ANYWAYS...) The problem is as soon as he sees someone, no matter who they are he murders them in cold blood. Doesn't stop to ask questions, doesn't see if they can be paid off, or maybe he could even walk around the guys. Oh no, Nathan runs straight up with an AK-47 attempting to plow through forty or fifty men who were there to fight a civil war, not stop some man who can't tuck in his entire shirt. 

1. 

Mario

Charged With: Kidnapping, Breaking and Entering, War Crime

I came to a conclusion lately that Mario is quite possibly the most awful man in the world. First of all, I'm done believing this 'Italian Plumber' ***. Also, doesn't everyone find it a bit disturbing that he's just some wild hooligan who doesn't even have a home? 

Peach has a castle, Bowser has multiple castles, and Luigi even has a haunted mansion. However, Mario just kinda mooches off what ever town he lives in. Now, down to the nitty-griddy the man starts wars over kidnapping princess peach. 

Have you ever noticed that there are 8 worlds that Bowser is in control of? 8 different planets! So Mario is group of mushroom-hat-wearing midgets run around getting high off drugs, jumping on top of and murdering Bowser's army. Sometimes he even lights them on fire and then steals their money. 

King Bowser manages to build floating architecture and you know what Mario does? He wrecks it. And then Mario comes onto Bowser's property, beats the crap out of him and then takes his wife. Forcing Peach to house the crazy druggy and his friends in her own castle. 

 

This has definitely been one of the most fun blogs I've done in a long time. Who do you think is an evil video-game character masked a hero? Let me know in the comment sections below. Until Next time!

~Tales from a questionably crazy man

P.S. Ellie Goulding rocks, just saying. 

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