My name is Stephen Jenkins. I'm currently a cop in the city of Chicago, though I have extensive experience in Liberty City as well before I moved here.

Why did I move to Chicago from Liberty City, where I was making pretty good coin?

It was safer here.

Or so I thought.

But I'm not here to talk about the gun fights and wars that apparently break out at a moment's notice in these towns (my buddy, a cop in Stilwater, says the same things happen there too).

No, I'm here to warn you about driving in these fair cities.

Frankly, I would advise you to just stay off the road. Even the sidewalks.

It's safer for you.

Drivers in Chicago appear to be...I'm not sure what word I should use.

Oh yes. Insane.

They drive erratically, ignore stop lights or stop signs, bang into cars because they're trying to squeeze through two cars that are side-by-side, causing millions of dollars in damages.

And heaven help you if you try to stop them!

(Some idiot with a cell phone took a picture of me when I was chasing one of these guys. Not one of my better moments)

I remember one time I actually stopped a guy (usually they bolt when they see my sirens for some reason).

When he rolled down the window, I saw he was wearing a trench coat and a mask that covered his mouth.

I said "Hey, buddy. Do you know how fast you were going? And you swerved around all the cars stopped at that red light that you blew through."

"Yes, I am aware of it."

That made me stop a moment. "You are? You know it's against the law. Why did you do it if you were aware of it?"

"Because I have to get where I'm going quickly."

I did a double-take, and then noticed that his trenchcoat was bulging. I saw a shotgun, along with a machine gun, pistol, and was that...yes! It was a sniper rifle! WTF?

I reached for my gun, but he pressed the accelerator and sped away. I ran to my car, but just as I started driving to chase him, a bunch of street blockers popped up right in front of me.

My car was totaled.

(Another idiot with a cell phone)

Thankfully they didn't make me pay for it. I think the department is getting used to all of this.

I've seen cars coming down the road, or even the street in downtown Chicago, swerving all over, passing cars at red lights and forcing cross traffic to stop to let them through, side-swiping parked cars, and even driving down the sidewalks! Pedestrians scatter like crazy, and some occasionally get run over.

Some of these cars I've seen, they're being driven while the front end is smashed in, engine smoking. I'm surprised they can even see to drive.

And then when they park, sometimes they actually park on the sidewalk!

It has reached the point that we basically don't respond to them unless they start shooting.

What would be the point? It would tax our resources and manpower way too much.

Yes, the damage caused by these lunatics is extensive. Car insurance rates are skyrocketing. City workers are doing overtime to reinstall lamp posts, traffic lights, bus stop shelters, and other things that are constantly being run over and destroyed. In fact, they're usually back up before you come back to the area in a few minutes. Our city workers are that good!

But at least all that money isn't coming out of the police budget. Besides, all of our money is being spent when the shootouts start. Inevitably, we have to chase these idiots, which ends up causing millions of dollars in damage all by itself. Steam pipes blow up, police cars get totalled, tons of infrastructure damage.

Why these people don't just stop when they hear our sirens, I just don't know. It's like they don't respect our authority!

So my recommendation to you, residents of Chicago, Liberty City, Stilwater, or anywhere else that these maniacs reside?

Stay inside. Don't even go onto the sidewalk. It's much too dangerous. And you'll save money too.

Oh, look. Another guy just drove down the sidewalk, scattering pedestrians. This is getting tiring.

Oh, he hit one! Ok, I guess I'd better go. Time to make another futile attempt to stop this kind of travesty.


This post is inspired by my horrible driving ability  while playing Watch Dogs, if you couldn't tell.