The lights are on
Veteran Member - Level 13
I looked at the want ad I was answering as I sat in the lobby, waiting my turn for today's interview.
"Help Wanted: Minion. Decent pay, excellent benefits, including life insurance. No experience necessary. Will train! Fax resume to 212-555-3323"
In this economy, I was hard up for a job after college, and benefits are a good thing. I looked around the lobby of Evil Schemes 'R Us and thought about what the job might be. Weird name for a company. Must be ironic, I guess. Maybe a charity?
The receptionist answered her phone, spoke a few words, then put down the receiver again. She motioned to me.
"Mr. Diever, you can go right in."
I picked up my briefcase, straightened my tie, and went through the doorway behind her. The office was a basic one, a man in a black suit and shaved head sitting behind a table with a computer on it. There was a chair in front of the table as well. That was it. No bookshelves, no other trappings. The window looked out over the Hudson, but that was the only good thing about it.
The man got up and shook my hand firmly. "Mr. Diever, I'm Joe Willikins, head of HR. Well, I'm the only guy in HR, but that does mean I'm head of it, doesn't it? Please have a seat." He motioned to the chair.
I thanked him and sat, still looking around the room. He seemed to notice and said "Yes, I know it's a bit spartan, but we spend most of our money on recruiting and training. That, and elaborate evil plans to rule the world. Ummm, I mean to take care of the needy around the world."
I was pleased to see I was right. A charity.
"Thank you for coming in," Willikins said. He pulled a couple pieces of paper from his briefcase and examined them. "I just have a few questions for you, more situational about how you would react to something. Just give me an honest answer and we can go from there. Sound good?"
"By the way, your resume looks perfect for the position, but I do have to ask you the questions. Just to make sure." I found that a little odd, since my resume didn't have any job experience whatsoever (especially not "minion" experience), but it also didn't have my poor grades at Richards College either. Hopefully he wouldn't ask for a transcript.
How lucky was I to see that ad?
"Ok, first question. You're standing in a hallway guarding a door. You see somebody drop from the ceiling onto the floor in front of you, but he runs around the corner of the hallway before you can do anything. How do you react?"
I thought about that for a moment. Was this a trick question? Guarding a door? Maybe I'd be guarding the food supplies.
"I would get on my phone and call in an alert for an intruder," I said.
Willikins shook his head. "Oh dear. No, that's not good at all."
My face fell. Was I flunking this interview already?
"May I ask what the right response would be?"
"There are two correct responses. Either you just go back to guarding the door without thinking about it again, or you walk around the corner nonchalantly without being alert for any surprises. Really, Mr. Diever. I hope your answers to the other questions are better."
"I promise they will be," I said, trying to relax.
"Ok, second question. You're on a patrol route in the complex when a man bursts through a doorway, firing his automatic weapon at everything that moves. There are six of you, all armed with automatic rifles. There are barrels, tables, and other things scattered around the area. What do you do?"
I thought about this one a lot harder. I had to get these questions right. I needed this job!
"Ummmm, I would ready my weapon, dive behind a barrel and try to lay down covering fire for the other guards so we could get the guy pinned down and deal with him?"
Willikins sighed. "No no no no no. I'm beginning to think that your resume was not entirely indicative of your abilities to perform the duties of this position," he said.
I couldn't believe it! I thought that was a good answer. Anything else I could think of would get me killed in a second!
"May I ask what the right response would be?" I said.
"Raise your gun and start firing at the guy! I would think that would be obvious. Just stand there shooting until he's dead."
"What, out in the open like that?"
I bit my tongue. This was seriously weird.
The phone rang. Willikins picked it up. "Yes? Didn't I say to hold all my calls?" He stopped for a moment. "What? He's here? Now? He found the rocket launcher lying in the hallway? Well, just deal with him! I'm in an interview. Thank you. Good-bye." He slammed the phone down.
He looked at me. "Sorry. A minor situation developing. Nothing to worry about." He looked at the paper in front of him.
"Last question. A man has just come into the room, shot up the place, and stolen something that you're supposed to be guarding. He is retrieving this item for a man at a local inn. You and your fellow minions chase him through the streets, trying to stop him in any way possible. You are at the street corner, rifle raised, lining up the shot into his back, just as he approaches the man he's working for standing in front of the inn. What do you do?"
This seemed easy, but the others had seemed so too. I was beginning to wonder about these questions, too. Maybe they were helping needy people in violent areas of the world?
I thought for two whole minutes before realizing what the obvious answer was.
"Take the shot and bring him down and then go arrest the man he was working for, getting the stolen item back?"
Willikens eyed me for a moment, then shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Diever. It does look like you're not cut out for this position. You looked promising, but I think we will have to pass."
"What? How could that answer be wrong? It's the single most logical thing to do in that case? What would you do?" I asked him. "What is the right answer?"
"This is probably the easiest question in the interview, Mr. Diever. When the man reaches his employer, you stop and go back about your business, forgetting the man ever existed." He shook his head again and put the papers back in his briefcase. "I thought you had the ideal intellectual capacity for this position, but I see that I was quite mistaken. I do hope that Burger King job works out for you."
"But, but…your ad said that you will train!" I exclaimed. "I am a quick learner! I can pick things up very fast, unless it's English literature. I know I can do this job if you just give me a chance!"
"The ideal minion candidate must have a certain intelligence level before we can even think of training them. You, sir, are not at that level. Good day to you."
He dismissed me with a wave.
I had no idea what had just happened here, but Willikens was now ignoring me like I had already disappeared, so I gathered up my briefcase and left the room. The phone rang as I did so, and I noticed him get into a heated exchange with somebody at the other end of the line.
I walked out of the building, totally bummed. I really needed that job. Six months out of college (okay, flunked out) with no prospects, living with Mom while I tried to get something. Maybe Burger King would be a good place to start.
I was a block away from the building when it exploded.
Note: (Extra quatloos to anybody who gets the joke in the phone number!)
Edit before any comments: Oh, and the first person to leave a comment starting "I thought this was a real job interview until the end" gets slapped. Be warned. :P