(transcript of speech given by Sergeant Joe Manchin at Annual Teamkillers Anonymous convention: San Francisco)

Good evening, everybody. Thank you for having me here today. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sergeant Joe Manchin, also sometimes known as Joe Mercenary, Yousef Ibrahim, Pedro Gonzalez, or Detective Sergeant Joe FBI.

Confused? You should try living my life.

But then again, you have, haven't you?

(nervous laughter)

I'm here to address you today because of a problem we all have. If  everybody in this room lined up and I inspected your asses, they would probably all be red due to excessive kicking, wouldn't they?

We've all been there. You're on a mission, shooting the seemingly never-ending hordes of bad guys. Many of them looking the same. Maybe you're at a mansion in Hollywood Hills, or maybe running around near a downed aircraft in Yemen, or a sand-blasted resort in the Gobi desert. On missions that take ten minutes before you're suddenly yanked off of them and thrust somewhere else.

But your missions don't always last ten minutes, do they? How many times have you been booted off a mission due to your actions?

Yes, we are all teamkillers, at least to some extent.

You there, in the front row. (pointing) How many teammates have you killed? What was that? Three? Or four? Seriously, only that many?

Oh, I understand. That's just today. My mistake.

(Gun goes off)

Ooooooh, make that five. You really need to watch that temper, sir. Security, please escort him out, as that was obviously intentional.

Anyway, the thing is that while many of us are a-holes (yes, the swearing censor even works on speeches), many others of us are here totally by accident. We are not evil people. We'd be cool people to have beers with. We don't walk around wearing insignia with male genitals on our lapels.

It just so happens that occasionally...well, accidents happen.

(pulls out a Peacemaker assault rifle and shows it to the crowd)

You know, you pull out your favorite gun, the one that lets you kill a lot more of the bad guys then the number of times that you die (and then somehow come back in a way I haven't figured out yet, but it must be a religious experience), you're walking through a door, and then suddenly THERE'S SOMEBODY THERE! You just see their legs, but they've got the drop on you, so you just start shooting.

(intern walks up behind Joe bringing a pitcher of water. Joe screams, turns and fires. The "ting" of a headshot sounds. Intern disappears and water pitcher crashes to the ground)

(breathing heavy, recovering)

See! Like that! What was he doing sneaking up on me like that?

(catches his breath)

Of course, there are times where you have to do it intentionally. Did one of your teammates shoot you in the back as they were walking up behind you? Well, they deserve at least one bullet to the head. Or maybe, and I've done this once or twice, you have some a-hole who's greedy. Your buddy calls in a care package and just as he's going to collect it, somebody else on your team shoots him! That can't go unavenged, and he shouldn't be rewarded. So you shoot him. It's frontier justice, I say.

But that's not often. A lot of times, it's just an accident. It's "kill or be killed" and you don't have time to see what colour the nametag is on the guy's lapel. How many times during the mission have I hesitated because I wasn't sure if the guy was on my side or not? Just as I realize that it's a bad guy, BOOM! I'm down and reappearing somewhere else.

(crouches down like he's stalking somebody)

So there I am, making my way slowly through the ruins of downtown Los Angeles. Looking around, trying to see them before they see me.

(head slowly swiveling around, looking to all corners of the room)

Finger on the trigger, ready to fire...

(man in the front row eyes his empty glass and gets up to get a refill. Gunshot sounds, man appears at the top of stairs in the auditorium, looking furious)

Oh, sh#%$!!!! Sorry about that, buddy. My finger just twitched. See? That's what can happen sometimes too. You just see movement out of the corner of your eye and the finger pulls the trigger. You can't help yourself. It's not your fault. The guy should have been watching where he's going.

(man who was just shot storms down the stairs, pulls out his pistol, and shoots Joe in the head. Joe walks out from backstage, rubbing the back of his head and steps up to the microphone)

I said I was sorry, buddy. Geez! Accidents happen. But, then again, I deserved that.

(addressing crowd)

That's one thing us accidental teamkillers have to keep in mind. Sometimes, when you kill somebody on your team, they may exact revenge and shoot you. Yeah, it's annoying, but I always give them one shot at me without getting mad. Personally, if somebody on my team kills me and it looks like an accident, I don't hold a grudge against them. But that's just me. I'm a kind-hearted soul.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah. One of the cardinal rules to remember is the "three and you're out" rule. If you've already done it twice, you're living on borrowed time. Try and be more careful after that, because the mission is the most important thing. You don't want to be pulled off the mission early, do you?

Even if you die a couple of extra times, don't fire into that crowd of bad guys where one of your teammates is getting swarmed. If you hit the teammate, you're gone, buddy. Just like that.

(Man in an aisle seat gets his new drink from the sexy blonde waitress, chatting her up. Man from two rows down comes up and shoots him in the back, grabs his drink, and starts talking to her instead, a lascivious grin on his face.)

Excuse me a moment, everybody.

(Joe walks away from podium, gets off the stage, walking up the stairs to where the man is still talking to the obviously uninterested waitress. The entire crowd's eyes are following Joe as he pulls out his pistol. Shouts of "NO!!!!! You've already done it twice!!!!" ring out, but to no avail as Joe shoots the guy in the back, and abruptly disappears with an "oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii........" cry)

(mousy-looking guy in glasses and rumpled suit walks up to the podium)

Ummmm.....thank you, Joe for that....uh.....inspiring speech. Did you all learn something today? I did. Let's hear it for Joe!

(scattered soft applause)

Uhhhhh, anyway....(checks watch). Well, Joe was scheduled for an hour, so we've got a lot of time here.

Anybody up for some "One in the Chamber?