Switch Lights

The lights are on

What's Happening

A Day at the Returns Counter

Where we find out that the customer is always right.

Customer: Hello, sir. I would like to exchange this Ending.

Returns Counter Clerk: Certainly, sir. Was there something wrong with it? Or did you perhaps accidentally buy two of them?

Customer: I'll say there's something wrong with it! It's defective!

Clerk: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.  In what way is it defective? I only ask so that I can mark it down when we return it to the company. Don't want it going out to any other customers! Ha ha.

Customer: It doesn't fit. I put it together with the Beginning and Middle, and it just doesn't make any sense. In fact, using this ending just cheapens the other things that I bought to go with it.

Clerk: I am very sorry to hear that, sir. We make every attempt to make our products as satisfying for all of our customers.

Customer: There is also the problem that no matter how I implement the Ending, it doesn't seem to change anything. It just changes colours. Shouldn't it do more than that? Plus, it's way too ambiguous. *takes Ending out of box* I mean, can you even *tell* what this is? I can't.

Clerk: Oh, dear. That's not good. Though that may be the intent. I'm just a clerk.

Customer: Intent?????? How can you intend something this crappy! I have half a mind to take this complaint to the FTC!

*Clerk holds out his hands placatingly*

Clerk: No need to do that, sir! I'll see if I can help you. Just let me take your information. *starts jotting down information from the ID* Ok, sir. Thank you for that. Now, let's see if I can help you. We do take all of our customers' feedback into account. Let's just look at my catalog here...Ah, here you go. How about one where everything is saved and you finish off with a naked orgy?

Customer: No!!! I don't want that. As much fun as it might be, I don't want to appear on Fox News.

Clerk: Oh, of course. My apologies for even thinking of it. How about this one? You and everybody around you dies and the world is destroyed?

Customer: Exactly how is that a satisfying Ending?

Clerk: Bleak is in, and it's directed by Sam Peckinpah. Very stylish. Your legend would live on.

Customer: No no no no no! Why can't you just give me something satisfying that makes sense? Where characters don't appear out of nowhere when they should be light years away? Where battles actually mean something?

Clerk: Here's one! How about an Ending where you get involved in a massive battle, huge monsters come at you one after the other where you have to hit them in certain spots or you don't do any damage, but after you kill them all, you win. There's plenty of destruction, ships exploding, lots of computer graphics, and then a celebration of your heroics?

Customer: Do I have to think?

Clerk: No sir. It's all twitching.

Customer: Ok, I'll take it.

*Clerk rings in the exchange, hands Customer his new Ending and tosses the old Ending onto an overflowing pile of millions of other boxes*

Customer: Excuse me. What's that pile?

Clerk: Oh, that? Those are the other Endings that were returned this morning. We've already removed yesterday's with a dump truck we've been renting for the last two weeks.

(Those explosions? The houses of everybody who complained about the Mass Effect 3 ending. You think Bioware doesn't have reach?)

Comments
  • Right on.
  • Think you just summed up everything lol

  • Well... I hope that the game wasn't just ambiguously spoiled for me -.-
  • Gold, your comedy articles always make me laugh. Thank you Hist for brightening my day. Some people have just taken it to the extreme, you summed up 2 weeks of controversy just now, you kno0w that? Good job.  

  • Mod

    I want to see your manager.

  • I don't believe I've ever seen anything like this over an ending before lol. After seeing constant complaining, this was a funny read.
  • Mod
    A brilliant read, Hist. I support the rational fans upset over this, but I must say the others - namely those complaining to the FTC - are definitely terrifying.
  • Thank you for the laugh!  

  • Very funny :) had me laughing the entire time.

  • Hist, your comedy blogs are far and away some of the best on this site.  Well done ^_^

  • Mod

    What did I tell you, Hist, you found your calling! When I read he was returning an ending, I laughed and new I was in store for something great. Well done. I haven't even played ME3 but can appreciate this story given the ridiculous brouhaha over the game. Classic. And thanks, Hist.  ; )

  • Nice piece; good to see anger giving way to some light-hearted fun on here. Way too much hate these last few weeks.

  • I wasn't sure how this piece would go over, so thank you for the wonderful comments!

    But seriously, folks. 3.5 stars? If you don't like it, you could at least stop by and say *why* you don't like it.

    *edit* Oh, just remembered this. My inspiration was the "Dead Parrot" sketch from Monty Python, and when the guy claims that the Ending is defective, you should picture John Cleese in your mind. :)

    @Playwright & Clock: Thank you! And yes, it does seem kind of pathetic.

    @smokingeight: I tried to include everything but the kitchen sink! But I have to admit that I didn't read everything about it when I hadn't finished the game yet. So I may have missed some things. Enigma's summary post was very helpful.

    @GoldvsSilver: Well, you do now know how it *doesn't* end. That may be reverse-spoilers. I don't know.

    @Blaze1606: Thank you! Your kind words are much appreciated.

    @mojomonkey12: Ummmm....she's on lunch break. Sorry.

    @Masterassassin & Professor Joe: Yeah, Sherlock Holmes (hmmmm...interesting) is a great example of this kind of thing in literature, but I've never seen a game like this. And thanks for the kind words, Master!

    @Levon: Truly rational, I can take. Totally irrational? They deserve to be mocked. So thank you!

    @chsmn775: You're welcome! Thank you for the comment!

    @Emily: That was the intention! I'm glad I hit the mark for you.

    @BlackheartedWolf: There are other comedy blogs on the site? I guess I'd better look them up. :) Seriously, though, thank you very much. If it hadn't been for the one I wrote for your writing workshop thing (that produced the Skyrim post from me), I probably never would have gone this direction.

    So thank you.

    @Shootist2600: Yes, I have. You, sir, are a bad influence. :P

    @markus1142: Thank you! I quite agree.

    Thanks, everybody. And those of you who commented on my last blog, which I never actually got around to getting back to and commenting on...ummmm....sorry? Should I go back and do that or is it just too late now?
  • Mod
    One of the best articles I've read on G.I. Hilarious as hell! Good job sir.