A Day at the Returns Counter - hist Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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A Day at the Returns Counter

Where we find out that the customer is always right.

Customer: Hello, sir. I would like to exchange this Ending.

Returns Counter Clerk: Certainly, sir. Was there something wrong with it? Or did you perhaps accidentally buy two of them?

Customer: I'll say there's something wrong with it! It's defective!

Clerk: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.  In what way is it defective? I only ask so that I can mark it down when we return it to the company. Don't want it going out to any other customers! Ha ha.

Customer: It doesn't fit. I put it together with the Beginning and Middle, and it just doesn't make any sense. In fact, using this ending just cheapens the other things that I bought to go with it.

Clerk: I am very sorry to hear that, sir. We make every attempt to make our products as satisfying for all of our customers.

Customer: There is also the problem that no matter how I implement the Ending, it doesn't seem to change anything. It just changes colours. Shouldn't it do more than that? Plus, it's way too ambiguous. *takes Ending out of box* I mean, can you even *tell* what this is? I can't.

Clerk: Oh, dear. That's not good. Though that may be the intent. I'm just a clerk.

Customer: Intent?????? How can you intend something this crappy! I have half a mind to take this complaint to the FTC!

*Clerk holds out his hands placatingly*

Clerk: No need to do that, sir! I'll see if I can help you. Just let me take your information. *starts jotting down information from the ID* Ok, sir. Thank you for that. Now, let's see if I can help you. We do take all of our customers' feedback into account. Let's just look at my catalog here...Ah, here you go. How about one where everything is saved and you finish off with a naked orgy?

Customer: No!!! I don't want that. As much fun as it might be, I don't want to appear on Fox News.

Clerk: Oh, of course. My apologies for even thinking of it. How about this one? You and everybody around you dies and the world is destroyed?

Customer: Exactly how is that a satisfying Ending?

Clerk: Bleak is in, and it's directed by Sam Peckinpah. Very stylish. Your legend would live on.

Customer: No no no no no! Why can't you just give me something satisfying that makes sense? Where characters don't appear out of nowhere when they should be light years away? Where battles actually mean something?

Clerk: Here's one! How about an Ending where you get involved in a massive battle, huge monsters come at you one after the other where you have to hit them in certain spots or you don't do any damage, but after you kill them all, you win. There's plenty of destruction, ships exploding, lots of computer graphics, and then a celebration of your heroics?

Customer: Do I have to think?

Clerk: No sir. It's all twitching.

Customer: Ok, I'll take it.

*Clerk rings in the exchange, hands Customer his new Ending and tosses the old Ending onto an overflowing pile of millions of other boxes*

Customer: Excuse me. What's that pile?

Clerk: Oh, that? Those are the other Endings that were returned this morning. We've already removed yesterday's with a dump truck we've been renting for the last two weeks.

(Those explosions? The houses of everybody who complained about the Mass Effect 3 ending. You think Bioware doesn't have reach?)

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