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Life's a Glitch

I was sitting in my living room watching football this morning when I got a call from my best friend.

"Hey Dave," he said when I clicked the phone on. "Or should I say, 'Hey, a-hole?"

This was new. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I did what I typically do when that happens.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, that's right. A-hole. I know that you've been sleeping with my wife! I'm going to come over there and kick your ass!"

This was weird. He doesn't even have a wife. Hell, he's never even dated before! I really didn't know what to say to that. Before I could say anything, he said "you'd better run. I'm only 5 minutes away."

Mama didn't raise no idiot. Not only did I immediately get dressed and run from the apartment, I started thinking as well. This friendship was seriously glitched!

I ran outside to my car. Living next to the airport can really suck, because of all the noise of planes taking off and landing, but hey, the rent is cheap. As I got into my car, there was the wheezing sound of jet engines as a plane was taking off, heading right over my place. I looked up, and had to do a double-take. The first thing that came into my view was the tail, followed by the wings and the rest of the plane. It slowly circled as it was gaining altitude, and I wondered how the pilot could fly when he couldn't see where he was going.

I didn't have time to think about it, though, as my friend was coming! I wondered briefly if the glitch would turn the 250-pound, musclebound behemoth into a 90-pound weakling, but decided it wasn't worth taking the chance. I put the car in gear and headed to the local Starbucks. If you're going to be running from your best friend, you gotta have your coffee.

The car disappeared around me after I turned the corner, and remained that way until I got there. But I didn't have time to worry about that now. I did wonder what everybody else would be thinking, seeing this guy driving what appeared to be just four wheels and no body.

I went into the shop and I couldn't believe it. The shop was empty! Now I knew that something was seriously glitched. I went up to the counter to give the young woman my order, but she just ignored me, still talking to her co-worker. I waved my hand in front of her face.

Nothing.

She was obviously deaf and blind.

How Starbucks hired that kind of person, I don't know. Must be some kind of affirmative action thing. I went around the counter and stepped in front of her, bumping into her repeatedly with my body, but she didn't acknowledge me at all. Neither did her co-worker.

What the hell?

I then heard a voice behind me. "Hello. Can I get a grande latte please?" I turned, and floating above the counter was a head. No body, no arms, no legs. Just a head. My eyes must be deceiving me.

"How can you drink coffee? You're just a head!"

"What are you talking about, mate?" the head said as the barista started making his coffee. She moved the coffee toward the head and suddenly it was floating too! He raised the cup to his lips and drank. I half-expected to see liquid falling out of the head, but luckily I was saved from that image.

(Thanks to Coffee Vancouver)

Suddenly, my friend burst through the doorway. "There you are, a-hole!!!!" he shouted, and I was sad to see that while the friendship was glitched, he definitely wasn't. Or least not in my favour. Biceps that were so think you couldn't put two hands around them, and fists that were wrapped tighter than security around a Grand Theft Auto game. And those fists were gunning for me!

As he charged me for a tackle, I did the only thing I could do. I panicked, closed my eyes, and lashed out with my wimpy fist. I felt it connect, and then didn't feel his body running into mine. I opened my eyes, and saw that he was lying on his back over a table, chairs scattered everywhere.

And he was twitching.

Mad spasms going through his body, his arms and legs moving with no purpose, back and forth, his head shaking, his mouth open and something uttering forth from it. I couldn't tell, because it just seemed to be one word, drawn out and never-ending. It might have been "a-hole," but I'm not sure.

Ok, this was getting too weird. I had to go to somebody who might know what was going on, and how to fix it!

But Father Jonathon wasn't in, so I got his back-up.

"Can you tell me what's going on, Father Bob?" I asked, pleadingly? If things continued as they were now, I didn't know if I could continue. Life would have no meaning. I mean, what happens if the door to my apartment disappears or won't open? How will I live?

Father Bob nodded sagely, put his hand on my shoulder, and said "you know, my child, life is quite the big and complicated program. Look at how large of an open world it is! You know there are going to be bugs and glitches. But it's God, so you know that it's going to be worth it. Despite all the bugs."

I was almost in tears. "But as I'm getting older, my life is slowing down to a crawl! The world doesn't look as crisp as it used to, and parts of it seem to fade out and come back into view occasionally. It used to take me 5 minutes to walk to work. Now it takes 25! And it's getting worse! Please, Father Bob. Tell me that it will get better. I don't know how much longer I can take this!"

He patted my shoulder again. "I'm sure there will be a patch out soon that will take care of all of it. Until then, it's still 'Life of the Year,' isn't it?"

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