The lights are on
Veteran Member - Level 13
(Thanks to Game Revolution)
(It's a dark but clear Friday night in a Minneapolis office building where the Game Informer staff works and plays. GI editors Andrew Reiner and Phil Kollar are the only ones in the room, sitting on the couch in front of two 80 inch HD 3D TVs in Editor in Chief Andy McNamara's office. They picked the lock to Andy's office man-cave (the rest of the staff are stuck reviewing games on 19" console televisions), and have open cans of Milwaukee's Best Light beer in front of them. Both of them also have Xbox consoles booted up and hooked up to their respective TVs. Kollar has Dark Souls going on his machine, while Reiner is on his 85th playthrough of Rage)
Phil: Y'know, Andrew, the more I play through this Dark Souls game, the more I really love it. Are you sure I can't up my review score to a 9?
Andrew: Dang* it, Phil! You know I used the last 0.25 that we're allowed in my Rage review! I won the contest fair and square! You read the rules just like I did. It's not my fault that you didn't realize that "How many hairs are on Matthew Kato's body?" also included nose hairs!
Phil (sighing): But I'm having a hard time justifying such an outrageously low score as a 8.75! Cut me some slack!
(Andrew gets up and walks over to Andy's desk, picking up a box marked "Bethesda," filled with $100 bills)
Andrew: Besides, you know that would go against our "agreement" with "that company that shall remain nameless."
(Both editors break out in hearty, evil laughs until Phil starts coughing. Andrew then sits down again and starts playing Rage some more)
Y'know, the more I play this game, the more I'm liking it too. I guess we could always downgrade Arkham City to a 9.5.
(One of the phones on the desk rings. Both guys look at each other, then shrug and Andrew picks it up)
Andrew: Hello? Andy McNamara speaking.
Voice on phone: I am a mysterious agent of EA, and I would like to offer you a case of Bud Light in order to give Battlefield 3 a ten and Modern Warfare 3 a six.
Andrew: What? Are you serious? What kind of outfit do you think we are? We would never think of doing that for a case of Bud Light.
Phil (shouting from the couch): Yeah! It's gotta be at least a case of Sam Adams. Dark!
(Andrew shushes him. The other phone on Andy's desk rings)
Andrew: Just a minute. I have another call. (puts call on hold, picks up second phone) Andy McNamara speaking.
Voice on 2nd Phone (in a Russian accent): Hello. I em mysterious agent of Ectivision, and I would like to offer you four cases of our best Russian wodka for you to give Modern Warfare 3 a ten and to, how you say, trash Battlefield 3 with your horrible 8.75 rating.
Andrew: Hmmmm....that's quite an offer. I may have to think about that. Can you hold please?
(puts call on hold, then picks up the other phone, putting it on speakerphone)
Hello. I don't think that a case of Bud Light is going to be enough. We are men of integrity!
Phil: not to mention better beer taste than that!
Voice on 1st phone: Ok, how about 8 cases of ice wine and a $50 gift certificate to Gamestop?
(Phil's eyes widen, but Andrew doesn't bat an eyelash)
Andrew: Let me check.
(puts call on hold, then picks up second phone, also putting it on speaker)
You know, that is a tempting offer, but I'm not really a wodka...I mean vodka fan. Besides, we are Game Informer editors! We can't be bought.
Voice on 2nd phone: You drive hard bargain, Americanski. Ok, we shall bring out, how you say, "the big guns." Fifty cases of Jim Beam whiskey and five Russian brides for your staff.
Phil (whispering in Andrew's ear): These guys must really want it bad! Have you seen those babes? I can trash Battlefield for that price!
(Andrew shushes him)
Andrew: I will have to think about that tempting offer. Can you hold please?
(puts second phone on hold)
This is so cool, Phil! They're in a bidding war! For our reviews! I haven't been this pumped since my 32nd playthrough of Rage! Or was it 33rd? I don't know. Whatever.
(as they're contemplating the deals, Phil's phone beeps. He takes it out and sees a text from Annette Gonzalez, reading "Hey! Just checking in, Phil. How ya doin'? Don't forget that 10 for Dance Central 2 you promised me as a going away present! Thanks. HUGZ")
Phil: I knew I shouldn't have gotten so drunk at Annette's party.
Andrew: But what are we going to do about these offers? We could keep them bidding up pretty high. That Activision guy might even offer us a Russian province or two!
Phil: Wait, man. What are we doing? We used to be men of integrity. We used to be men with strong moral fiber. We used to be men who shaved. Now look what we're doing? Getting into a bidding war to see which FPS fan douchebags we get to p*ss off? And for what? Booze and babes?
Andrew: You have to admit that's pretty sweet.
Phil: I agree. But we have to think back to the men we used to be. I'm having a bit of a problem with this. I mean look at us. Now our reviews are becoming so obvious that people are reading us the riot act for giving horrible 8.75 scores. It couldn't be more obvious that we're on the take. How do we address that?
(Mikel Reparaz from Games Radar comes busting through the door)
Mikel: It's not just you! They're give me sh*t for giving Uncharted 3 a Nine!
(Mikel runs screaming from the room. Phil and Andrew look at each other)
Phil: That was weird. Anyway, we have to stop. I can't go on like this. I feel like the crud that the scum on your shoe wipes off of *its* shoes because of my Dark Souls review. I can't cover it up anymore. I've taken to drinking *three* beers before bed instead of two.
(Something bangs against the door. Andrew opens the door and there are two pristine copies of Skyrim lying on the floor next to it. Both men's eyes glaze over as Andy picks them up and brings them into the room. They start breathing heavily until Andrew catches his breath and picks up both phones simultaneously)
Andrew: Deal's off.