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The Real Stars of this 2011 Fall Gaming Season

Everybody is aware of all the so-called "big name" games that are coming out this fall. Gamers across the country and the world are saving their pennies, making harsh decisions on which anxiously-awaited game(s) will have to wait and perhaps be bought at a later date. The war between Battlefield fans and CoD fans will continue unabated.

But this is all a load of crap if we really stop and think about it. These games are NOTHING.

Skyrim? Two hundred hours of tediousness! And then you might actually finish the game!

Uncharted 3? Like we need yet more proof that Nolan North is holding blackmail-worthy pictures of every studio head in the games business? BORING!

Batman: Arkham City? This guy's got nothing on Captain Carrot.

(Thanks to Comic Book Religion)

I'm here to tell you the *real* games that you should be keeping an eye out for. Don't buy this #@%@ that everybody else is telling you to buy! You should watch for the actual gems that are going to be flying under the radar.

September 18, 2011

Don't buy: Gears of War 3

Instead buy: Outdoors Unlimited

(All pictures and draws are from Gamespot)

Draw: "Outdoors Unlimited is the first game to combine hunting, fishing, and camping with a role-playing game system."

Why would you want cigar-chomping, manly (and womanly this time, I hear!)  combat action with chainsaw machine guns and hordes of vile creatures to blow away using unique methods when you could not only hunt and fish, but also camp. All in one game! Most games would just stop at two of those activities, but these guys go to that extra effort to stuff in all three. Will the action ever stop, especially when you can't get the campfire going for Smores? This comes complete with Whiny Brat Force Feedback Action on your controller.

You know the choice is clear.

October 2, 2011

Don't Buy: Rage

Instead Buy: Motion Explosion

(Except this one, which is from the game's web site)

Draw (from the web site): "This colorful and energetic family-friendly game is exploding with electrifying mini-games that keep your entire body moving fast--ducking, dodging, catching and balancing whatever might be thrown at you!  From juggling soccer balls to dodging blocks to controlling robots to hacky sacking, Motion Explosion's 12 games pack in ten levels each, mixing it up along the way with additional gameplay elements like inverse controls, faster pace and new tricks to make you think quick on your feet and keep your body moving!"

I don't know. Post-apocalypse FPS action with slick graphics, awesome guns, and more ugly mo-fos than you can shake a stick at? And racing as well! In post-apocalyptic cars?

Or pretending to play hackey sack, dodge falling blocks, and juggle soccer balls?

I know what most of you are saying, but I don't know. Any real gamer wants to get up off their ass and do a little physical activity. Screw sitting on your couch blowing away mutants! And then, once you've played a little Motion Explosion, you can go get a refreshing glass of water and some celery sticks for a snack before coming back for more.

Again, real gamers know what the right choice is.

October 16, 2011

Don't buy: Batman - Arkham City

Instead buy: Carnival Island


Draw: "Carnival Island invites you to take a trip to a magic carnival and experience the joy of over 35 carnival attractions."

Xbox 360 owners know that the only choice is Batman this week. But you lucky PS3 owners have a choice to make! And it really should be an obvious one when you come down to it. Who wants fluid combat, detective mode, a classic rogues gallery of villains, and gliding above the dark streets of Gotham City, when you can have carnival rides?  Thirty-five of them! Talk about bang for your buck. I really don't know how anybody could choose a toothless bat when they've got carnival rides waiting for them. Who needs the real thing when you've got motion controls?

Besides, you have to have *some* justification for buying that Move controller, right?

October 23, 2011

Don't Buy: Battlefield 3

Instead Buy: Generator Rex: Agent of Providence

Draw: "Generator Rex: Agent of Providence is based on the Cartoon Network's animated series."

Another no-brainer! Why would you want hardcore FPS action, destructible environments, bullets appearing to fly past your head, and breath-taking multiplayer action, when you can have a TV tie-in instead? These decisions are so easy, I don't even know why you need my help with these.

We all know how awesome tie-in games are. If this game doesn't do 2 million in the first couple of weeks, I'll eat my shorts. Or maybe Demon's shorts. They're probably cleaner.

 

October 30, 2011

Don't Buy: Uncharted 3

Instead Buy: P*ss in Boots


Draw: "This game will be a spin-off based on upcoming film Shrek 2 character, P*ss in Boots, as voiced by Antonio Banderas."

Nolan North, eat your heart out! You're up against THE MAN this time, and you're going to get spanked. Who can go up against the great Banderas and even hope to win?

No one, that's who.

And it's another tie-in game, so you know the quality's already assured.

What? They're on two different systems? Do I have to spell it out for you?

Not only should you not buy Uncharted, but you should go out and get an Xbox and Kinect and then buy this game.

It's going to be that good.

Mark my words. Three million copies, easy.

Conclusion: I could go on, because the Fall is endless, but this is getting long. Just keep in mind that every week this Fall, something's coming out along with those big-name games. How about showing them a little love too?

Disclaimer: I have no idea if any of these games are any good, so my tongue is planted firmly in cheek. However, historically tie-ins have sucked, so those comments are probably going to turn out to be true.

Disclaimer of the Disclaimer: however, these particular tie-ins *might* not suck, so no insult is intended to them either. Though you know the likelihood is at least 75%, right?

Disclaimer of the Disclaimer of the Disclaimer: But really, that's not fair, so my apologies, and I'll quit while I'm ahead.

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