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The Agony of Defeat

I admit it. I've been defeated. I'm out of gas, patience, and my thumb hurts. Other games are calling my name, wondering why I haven't started playing them instead of bashing my head against the wall until it's a bloody pulp.

No, I'm not talking about my efforts to overtake Fever Ray in Pinball FX2. That will come, in time. (Hint: I'm sneaking up on him in slow increments)

I'm talking about something else, something I'm almost ashamed to admit on this gaming forum, among all my gaming friends who have persevered beyond all levels of endurance in their own endeavours. Meanwhile, I'm taking the cowardly way out.

Yes, I have been defeated.

By a girl.

Not just a girl. A young teenager who sings snippets of bad 90s songs, wears a yellow bow, and likes to talk on the phone. She even does the Macarena in her spare time.

Yes, I'm talking about Ms. Splosion Man.

(Thanks to GameRevolution)

I loved the original Splosion Man. It was difficult, but not too bad. Sure, I never did any of the levels in time to earn a medal. But I did them all. Very occasionally, I used a hint guide to point me in the right direction. And yes, sometimes it took me a while to get the timing down.

But I eventually got it.

I bought Ms. Splosion Man with enthusiasm after I loved the first game. I had read the reviews. Everybody said it was a hard game. But I knew I could persevere and get through it.

Because

(Thanks to Kaboodle)

As the levels went on, many of them took longer and longer for me to do. Thirty minute levels were not unusual. I always knew what I had to do, but I just couldn't do it.

Until I did, finally, and moved on to the next level.

There are three stages, with 16 levels in each stage. Through much blood, sweat, and tears (ok, mainly tears, because it's actually been pretty cool up here in Vancouver, and blood? Get real.), I managed to struggle my way through level after level.

Until I reached level 3-10.

It's so simple! I know what I need to do. I would play 20-30 minutes at a time, trying the beginning of the level (I never even make it to the first checkpoint!) again and again and again. Always dying in different spots. After many nights, I checked out a hint guide, just to see if maybe I was missing something. Maybe there was a special spot to splode (ALLITERATION ALERT!!!!) that I just wasn't getting?

But no, there was nothing.

So I kept trying. For 20-30 minute spans, for another few nights.

I finally have to admit it.

Ms. Splosion Man?

You have beaten me. I fall at your knees and await your mercy.

But whatever you're going to do, hurry up.

I've got Bioshock 2 to finish.

Feel free to share your tales of woe with me, so I may feel that I'm not alone.

Or, you can tease me mercilessly.

I can take that too. It's what I deserve, you know.

Because I've been beaten by a girl.

Isn't that the most horrible thing out there in Gamerland?

(Note: Please turn on your sarcasm detector for at least some of this post. Intelligent readers will know which parts)

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