What Really Grinds My Gears -- Angry Birds - FamilyGuyGuy7 Blog - www.GameInformer.com
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What Really Grinds My Gears -- Angry Birds

You know what really grinds my gears?  Angry Birds.

I downloaded this beast of a game this last December and it's had me mesmerized ever since.  The game has great control, especially for a touch-based game, interesting concept, and is easily accessible for anybody.  Plus, it's 99 cents on the iTunes App Store, so how can you resist?

What I wasn't prepared for was the incredibly addicting gameplay.  Who would've thought that slinging birds at green pigs in a variety of structures would be so addicting?  You all know the story: green pigs steal a bunch of birds' eggs.  The birds, these "angry birds", go after the pigs by getting a giant slingshot and firing themselves at the pigs until all pigs are exterminated.

This game is as memorable for being addicting as it is for being annoying, and it leaves many more questions than answers. 

  • Why are the birds so angry? 
  • Can't they just lay more eggs?  
  • How many pigs can there possibly be? 
  • Why do the white birds' eggs explode? 
  • Why don't they just bring in the black bomb birds, or the huge red ones for every run? 
  • How can the blue birds split themselves into three smaller birds, and for that matter, why do they suck so much? 
  • How can the green boomerang birds stop, then change their direction mid-flight, and for that matter, why do they suck so much? 
  • How is it that the last pig I need to kill is under a huge pile of rocks and isn't being crushed??  I've been on this level for forty-five minutes, and every time it's that last *** pig every $#@% time!!!

I'll try to answer these best I can. 

  • The birds are angry because they're cannibalistic, and were planning on eating the eggs themselves. 
  • They can't lay more eggs because they've grown infertile after years of being overly angry. 
  • There are a lot of pigs.  
  • The white birds' eggs explode because the white birds fortify their eggs with explosive nitroglycerin before each bombing. 
  • There's no good reason why they don't just bring the best birds on every run, it's just to make the game 1000x more difficult. 
  • The blue birds are like the Russian stacking dolls, and their secret can be answered best by birds; when activated, the main blue bird regurgitates three smaller ones, then disappears to make more blue birds.  The reason they suck is because they can't break through anything, except glass, and that's mainly in the second level because that's when they're introduced.
  • The green boomerang birds are magic, and thinking about their existence too much will make your brain explode, like in that movie Scanners.  And they suck so much because you can't really tell where they're gonna go once you make them turn around.
  • I think this question can be best answered by the folks at Rooster Teeth:

The game begs to be played until perfection, until every golden star is acquired.  In addition, there are a bunch of golden eggs hidden throughout the worlds, which unlock fun and whimsical levels, like a bunch of pigs squished together like sardines, or a large structure where you have to set off dynamite to kill all the pigs like a giant Rube Goldberg machine.  And if you don't get all those stars, or all those eggs, then prepare for an onslaught that would scare even Alfred Hitchcock...

The game doesn't know when to quit either.  Every so often, it updates itself, giving itself more levels and angry birds, forcing you to play for all eternity...

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

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