Let's face it:  you're not going to like every video game character out there.  I'm not talking about the scores of bad guys we've shot & forgot about all these years.  I'm talking the people who, on a consistent basis, annoy the crap out of you every time you see them.  You might not even know why you hate them, you just do.  Plain and simple, they're D-BAGS.  This is my collection of the biggest, it's FamilyGuyGuy7's Top Ten Biggest D-Bags in Gaming.




#10: Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Ah, Sephiroth.  So many great things said about you.  "You're so cool."  "You have an awesome sword."  "That's one killer theme song."  A lot of people fail to remember, however, that he did probably one of the lowest things you can do in life.

Ah, right, that.  Not only did he kill her in cold blood, but it was a cheap sneak attack, entirely unprovoked, and to top it all off, he acts like he just sniped a polar bear from 1000 yards away in a blizzard.  And right after that, he went back to being his normal, whiny self.  Classic Final Fantasy.

"OH YEAH!  I'M AWESOME!"  D-bag.



#9: Veteran Child (Saints Row 2)

Veteran Child is that special kind of d-bag that could be shown to any culture around the world and the consensus would be that he is, in fact, a d-bag in any language.  Veteran Child deals loa dust on the streets of Stilwater by night and DJs the radio station Generation X by day.  When the Third Street Saints start taking out his dealers and selling the dust themselves, Veteran Child finds himself at the business end of a machete.  He's given one more chance to redeem himself, and what does he do?  What would a d-bag do?

You're d*mn right he'd kidnap a chick!  He pops into your safehouse while no one else is there and kidnaps Shaundi at gunpoint.  He does a terrible job of getting away with it too because the Boss easily dispatches his men he set up at a trap nightclub.  Once the Boss finds where Veteran Child is hiding, Veteran Child holds Shaundi as a human shield in order to keep you at bay.  However, he forgot to put away all his flashbangs, and all you need to do is flash him a couple of times and shoot the crap out of him until he dies. 

Neil Patrick Harris is perfect for the role of whiny d-bag who's in way over his head (VGAs, anyone?).  His performance coupled with Veteran Child's lame actions and attitude and you've got a perfect recipe for d-bag.



#8:  Johnny Cage (Mortal Kombat)


This (and Sephiroth) might be one of the rare entries on this list that qualifies as, 'Meh, I can see that.'  Johnny Cage has been ball-busting his way through Mortal Kombat's sinister roster of characters from the very beginning, and he's been an annoying little twerp every time.  Nothing detracts more than pummeling the huge, four-armed golem that is Goro when you know you did nothing but smack him in the family jewels.  Here's hoping he wasn't thinking about having any little Goros anytime soon.

Perhaps the biggest nutshot is when he wins.  As his opponent writhes on the ground, balls in hands out of sheer pain, Johnny casually puts on his enormous sunglasses and smirks at the player with the largest sense of delusion and self-satisfaction out of all the kombatants.  Anyone who's played against Johnny Cage can sense the same feeling; he's just a d-bag! 

Still haven't swayed your opinion?  Exhibit B:

Not only does he sucker punch Goro, he turns and runs to probably go watch some Jersey Shore like a little b*tch right after.  D-BAG.




Sega had everything going for them in the early 90's.  They were on top of the gaming world, with a popular console and mascot, and they had developed a console war between them and Nintendo, and in many ways were winning.  That all changed in 1995, where Sega found itself less relevant in the video game market, with its Saturn system failing against the much more popular Playstation and N64.  Once again Sega tried the console game with the Dreamcast, which again lost to Sony and Nintendo.

Sega then shifted to be a third party software developer.  They experienced some mild successes with Shadow the Hedgehog and the HD remake Sonic the Hedgehog, but what was once a force to be reckoned with in the video game industry has nowadays become the punchline of several jokes with its catalog of cheesy 3D Sonic spinoff titles and laughable games such as Iron Man and Alpha Protocol.  I don't know about you, but any company that can reduce a great gaming mascot into a gimmicky little joke of a character...



...and then create a bunch of dumb little d-bag friends for that character is a d-bag themselves.


#7:  Tony Hawk (Ride and Shred)

Wow.  How far the mighty have fallen.  Much like Sega, the Tony Hawk franchise has gone from first to worst in recent years.  In its heyday, the Tony Hawk franchise was the king of all skating games, with each entry offering you fun tricks to master, hidden skaters to unlock, and crazy parks in which to skate.  Then, Tony Hawk: Ride introduced, no, subjected the world to the fearful skateboard peripheral.  It was unusable by many, and those who could use it correctly found the game itself to be bland and unlikeable.

Tony Hawk: Shred didn't fare well either.  The game tried to capitalize on what little success Ride had, and it only managed to drag the franchise down even further.  In fact, the game only sold 3,000 units in its first week.  In addition to having horrible gameplay, Tony Hawk defended his peripheral and probably will to the death.  He criticized others for not understanding the peripheral, but no one wouldn't understand it if it was the least bit usable.  When something doesn't work, only d-bags will insist that it's misunderstood, and not admit they screwed up.  Tony Hawk has bailed on so many levels, it's almost impossible to not call him a d-bag...in video games, at least.



#5:  Manfred von Karma (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney)

In the first Ace Attorney game, your second trial is against the fearsome Miles Edgeworth, a man so terrifying he's not above forging evidence in order to get a guilty verdict in trial.  So naturally, his mentor would be about a billion times creepier, right?

Right!  Whereas Miles Edgeworth forges evidence and hadn't lost a trial in about five years, von Karma's got a perfect record for 40 years!  The man's perfect record fuels his passion for perfection.  And that perfect record was only stained by one penalty gained in a trial with Edgeworth's father 15 years previous to when you meet him.  His perfect record is the only thing that matters to him, and he even goes so far as to destroy evidence and tase you in order to keep his perfection.  When you do snap his record (and at the same time convict him of murder), he totally loses it.  A lot of people know how to deal with their anger in appropriate ways.  He smacks his head against a wall and screams until he passes out.  What a d-bag.


#4: TIE

Bowser/King K. Rool/Dr. Eggman/King Dedede/Ganon

These guys are on this list for obvious reasons.  They kidnap princesses, disrupt daily life, and annoy the piss out of gamers in every incarnation that they're in.  And the worst part?  They always do the same thing in every game!  No matter how many times you stomp on 'em, beat them to a pulp, and maybe even kill them, they come back for more and hardly change their tactics.  In nearly every game, you know how to beat them without needing to look at any strategy guide because the fools never think.

Why these guys are destined for failure, I don't know.  Anyone who can lead an entire army of minions but can't think about how they got beat the last time and change it up a little is destined to forever be a d-bag.



#3:  Jack Thompson

You saw it coming.  It's borderline stereotypical.  This guy has been fighting video game violence since the first gunshot fired.  A lot of what he says is "backed up" by science, but for anyone who's got good judgment can tell this guy's basically screaming at air.

Jack Thompson really has a beef with video games.  Movie violence?  Fine!  Vulgar musical lyrics and subject material?  Preferable!  Dirty literature or art?  Who cares!  Hell, even things like drugs or war aren't hurting kids today as much as those video games, because only video games are to blame for the problems in our society.

Why this guy continues to preach anti-violence in video games is beyond the rest of the world.  Hopefully sometime soon this d-bag will realize no one is listening and shut the frak up.a


#2:  Seth (Street Fighter IV)

Seth should be higher on this list, but when you see #1, you'll agree that this is his place.  Seth appears at the finale of Street Fighter IV, after several rounds of getting your butt kicked by those standing in your way, you reach this d-bag.

Seth is the most unoriginal character in the history of video games, and I've got three reasons why.

1.  He looks like Dr. Manhattan.

2.  He's basically that annoying "character" in fighting games that has a copycats everybody else's moves. 

3.  He's far too powerful, even on the easiest difficulty.

Going through the story mode of Street Fighter IV, you learn the basic combos and can defeat enemies after a few matches.  Once you reach this guy, however, you forget everything you've learned in the last hour of playing.  Seth comes at you with Ken's Shoryuken Uppercut thing, Zangief's pile driver, Dhalsim's stretchy arm thing, Chun Li's spinning kick move, and several other moves, having nothing original of his own.  And a total d-bag would copy everybody's moves and have a crappy backstory.  Genetically engineered super mutant fighter?  Whatever.

Find the real Seth!



#1:  SLIPPY TOAD (StarFox series)

*sigh*  Slippy, Slippy, Slippy.  This guy's probably been killed the most by gamers throughout all time.  Not only is he a totally worthless pilot, but he's totally annoying.  Time and time again he finds himself on the run from enemy fighters, and he shouts into his radio, demanding you save him.  You're better off just letting him die, as he'll be getting shot up again in no time.  Despite the fact that I've let him die in every Star Fox game, he keeps coming back!

The esteemed Star Fox squad is severely hindered by this "pilot".  Not only do you have to do yours and his share of the killing on the battlefield, you have to save him every three minutes he gets himself into trouble so you can keep him alive for the only good thing he can do:  scan the bosses at the end of the level so you know how much more shields they have.  Such an important task left to such an incompetent frog.

Put Slippy in any fight with any other video game character in the history of video games and Slippy will be KO'd in two seconds.  Any living thing that can be on a kick-butt team like Star Fox yet suck so bad deserves to be a d-bag.